blade: trinity

i really like the blade films.

actually, check that... i really like the first two blade films. this third one is a bit turd. it has a lot of the good stuff; like the enjoyable fight sequences, the silliness of wesley snipes' acting, and swords. but it's all spoilt in trinity, by cheesiness. it's willfully cheesey, and that has a certain charm. even ryan reynolds' constant idiocy wears you down until you can bear it. but there are too many unforgivable, slightly moronic choices that remove any credibility raised by the first two movies.

pour example:
- ipod playlists for fighting with.
- vampire pekinese dogs.
- pointless jessica biel shower scene.
- parker posie's tooth prosthetic that makes her mouth look like it's in different aspect ratio.
- "it forms a beam of UV light half as hot as the sun"
- oh god, the script is so bad.
- the weirdest virus animation i've ever seen.
- stupid stupid stupid hip-hop theme tune.

ah whatever. it's fun, but it's shit.

5/10

ghengis khan (1965)

i don't get it, why are all the mongolians played by upper class englishmen?

no accolade for this inaccurate act of racism. about the only thing they got right was the name temujin, and the fact that he probably had a moustache.

no, chingiss didn't have a right hand man who looked like richie cunningham from happy days.
no, his girlfriend was not a blonde woman from austria.
no, they didn't dress like the knights of the templar.
no, the mongolians didn't do battles in surrey.

still, at least it isn't filled with pointless CGI.

hang on. you're probably saying by now "it was made in the 60's! they probably hadn't even thought of using actual mongolian actors. in fact, back in the 60's mongolia was still a closed off country living in the shadow of soviet bitchiness, you wouldn't have even been able to get in there to talk to a mongolian, let alone ask one to act in your big budget biopic.

"in fact, no one had really even heard of the great yasa of chingiss khan at that point, without access to that level of knowledge about the fundamental foundations of his character this was not meant to be a hair-by-hair-accurate account of his life. this was as fitting a tribute to the great leader as could possibly be within the political environment it was made.

"why can't you cut them a little slack? the film they made was masterful in a world without modern day technologies! almost on a par with something like ben hur or braveheart!"

...

and i would say to you, "SHUT UUUUUUUUPPPPPP, you div."

5/10

requiem for a dream

such an uncomfortable film that attempts to put you directly into the mindset of people who resort to dependency to try and get through life.

drugs, sex, TV; a group of disconnected people fall into oblivion along completely different routes; out of boredom, loss, vanity, apathy...
the result is painful, worrying and leaves you wondering what possible reasoning an intelligent human would have for starting down that route. how do you finally get to that fulcrum of desperation? what is the point when your preference becomes for the losing of time, losing control and memory, dignity? when do you swap hope & belief for The Void?... all in the context of the destruction of society around us, today.

yeuch.

5/10

vicky cristina barcelona

i get the impression woody allen has written this at a time in his life when he's looking back on a list of failed marriages and relationships and decided that he doesn't like them. marriages or relationships. this film is a bit of an exploration on how rubbish it can be to be in love, and how it will probably destroy you from the inside out in some way.

allen does heap a certain amount of guilt and blame upon himself though, i think he sees himself as the javier bardem character; at first impressions a gifted romantic with oceanic depth, but as you study him you find a manipulative ass who will happily cause long-term emotional damage to the women around him for a few nights of kinky passion. which is a shame.

it is also a shame that allen seems to have truly lost the control of his inimitable style, and it manifests itself in vicky cristina barcelona as a difficulty in giving the characters their own voice, instead making them all speak like a woody allen stand-up routine.

and as a little added bitterness to the pill, i just found the whole thing a little bit boring. certainly wasn't expecting that from a film that had scarlett johansson and penelope cruz snogging.

5/10

how to lose friends & alienate people

the sunday times reviewer said of this: "the best british comedy in ten years" or words similar to that effect. which is weird. because you think the sunday times reviewer would have seen hot fuzz or shaun of the dead... which also starred the (now very insulted) simon pegg.

this film is instead one of the most average films i've ever seen. a barren plot holds it together, but neglects to allow any characterisation, comedy or memorable moments (other that that clip of pegg killing a chihuahua that was used every time this film was advertised). you would expect so much more from such a cast of high quality actors (and megan fox)... but you'll be sadly indifferent.

5/10

hard candy

this is a particularly rare occasion where i actually find myself siding with a murderous paedophile. patrick wilson is really good in this and keeps this film watchable, battling constantly against ellen page who is annoying on every possible level. not only is her character a little bitch vigilante, impossible to empathise with; but page herself acts in such a way that even the sweetest character becomes a contrived, self-righteous dickhead.

other than the two characters, there's not much to pick out about this film. yes, it's scripted well and very artfully shot, but i did finish it feeling lost and unresolved. perhaps that's the point.

5/10

american graffiti

unashamedly all about the cars, but i can't emphasise enough how fine i am with that. 50's american cars are enough of a reason for me to constantly wish i was born 80 years ago.
other than those majestic vehicles, this is a great little glimpse into the lives of teens in this era, and a pretty believable one at that.
mainly it's a long episode of happy days with swearing and sex. and oh, those cars.

5/10

evan almighty

the first time i saw steve carrell was in bruce almighty. i remember it well, thinking "this guy is hilarious i hope he gets picked up from this role and makes more stuff."
my wish was gratified and he made some great things.

not sure this is one of them.

slightly weirdly edited and actually i could've done with another 15 minutes for the whole thing to work. the worst part of it is Wanda Sykes who is so terrible she makes me want to become a racist.
i could really pick a lot of holes in it, but i should battle my instincts and remember the fact that it was aimed at 9 year olds. and for kids, it's not bad.

unless the kid wants to grow up to be a boat-builder. then it's painting a very unrealistic view of the time and effort it takes to hand-build ships.

5/10

teeth

now here's an odd little film that's nothing at all like what you would expect it to be like... i was gunning for a brain-dead gore fest with a vixen heroine charging her way through hormonal teenaged arseholes with her rampant sexuality.

not so at all. this is a wee little indie-movie with a nod to an obscure ancient mythology, and an unusual set of main characters. what became, was a much better, darker and more intelligent movie than i was ready for. i thought it struggled sometimes and needed a bit more bravery to explore the subject matter. it also stopped just when you thought it was starting, and left to your imagination what you wanted to see on screen.... but all in all: watchable, odd, meh.

5/10

3:10 to yuma

one of those films that teach you to avoid having exceedingly high hopes before you watch it. not terrible, but filled with slightly unfathomable decisions made by every character.
really stupidly over-patriotic, and the characters are less believable because of it.

5/10

boyz n the hood

bar laurence fishburne, this is a surprisingly badly acted film. it's meant to be one of those seminal works, one of those must-sees in movie history, but to be honest it's not very well edited, cuba gooding jnr. is better in Pearl Harbour and its predictable in a disappointing way.

shame.

5/10

the three burials of melquiades estrada

very occasionally i watch film that i can't quite tell if i like it or not. this is one of them, and whether i watched it in the wrong mood or was too drunk to care i don't know... it's not a bad film, i don't think it's spectacularly good either. it looks nice and is well acted, but did it go anywhere or say anything? hmmm, not sure.

5/10

28 weeks later

in 28 days later, danny boyle created a world that felt broad, horrifying and a believable image of what our country would be like if such a situation were ever to occur. sadly the same cannot be said for 'weeks,' this just felt like another american zombie action movie, the same old dilemmas and the same old reactions. gone were boyle's stark images of a bleak and empty london, replaced by a vietcong version of canary wharf filled with american humvees and muscled heroes.

sorry, just not as good as it should have been. the curse of the sequel lives on...

5/10

the village

laughingly i joked near the beginning, "they are ghosts from the past and the mysterious sounds are sports cars." preposterous the idea was. no way could it be anywhere close to the truth.

ah.

silly.

5/10

the benchwarmers

typical adam sandler style humour that we all like to switch off to. familiar storyline, but heder, schneider and spade are always fun to watch. not a non-stop laugh out loud riot, but a good bit of goofy fun on a sunday afternoon.

5/10

naked lunch

i'm not entirely sure if its possible to tell if this is a good film or not. that's quite standard for cronenburg films. to be honest, though, i'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. my mind is a wee bit screwed up after the last 2 hours of head-fuck.

my favourite bit was where an old lady ripped off her boobs to reveal roy schneider smoking a cigar.

5/10

2 days in paris

heartwarming tale of two unlikeable characters. excellent comic performance from goldberg and intriguing direction by delpy, relying soully on actors and script and not having to resort to long lingering shots of the scenery. natural and believable acting from both of them.

5/10

cars

just not as good as the other pixar works of genius.

5/10