team america

riders on the storm

at last! some activity...

i received this email today:

Hi,

Your voucher has arrived! I will post it to XXXXXXXXXXXXX tonight

Thanks,

Jo

XXXXXXXX
HR Manager
XXXXXXXXXXX Ltd

Consider the environment. Please don't print this e-mail unless you really need to.

(those are not (all) kisses)

i should be able to pick it up o'er the weekend. i am a happy boy.

also, there is another bike related curiosity on the horizon - a direct symptom of my new interest/obsession. this is just a teaser:

more beats & pieces

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button (only once) to get your answer.
3. Write down the song name.
----------------------------------------------------

1) If someone says "Is this OK?" you say ...
bohemian like you (the dandy warhols)

2) What would best describe your personality?
i don't want to see you (camera obscura)

3) What do you look for in a girl/boy?
let's face it pal, you didn't (don caballero)

4) How do you feel today?
beth (kiss)

5) What is your life's purpose?
look outside (broadcast)

6) What is your motto?
you are ball lickers (jay)

7) What do you think your friends think of you?
the road (turin brakes)

8) What do you think about very often?
funky fresh country club (ugly kid joe)

9) What is 2+2?
duet (black-eyed peas) !!

10) What do you think of your best friend?
sunshine after the rain (berri)

11) What do you think of the person you like?
air aid (menomena)

12) What is your life story?
mon homme (billie holiday)

13) What do you want to be when you grow up?
mr. robinson's quango (blur)

14) What do you think when you see the person you like?
rainfall (nitin sawhney)

15) What do your parents think of you?
chattanooga choo-choo (glenn miller)

16) What will you dance to at your wedding?
i've been tired (pixies)

17) What will they play at your funeral?
let forever be (chemical brothers)

18) What is your hobby/interest?
rape me (nirvana)

19) What do you think of your friends?
train (goldfrapp)

20) What's the worst thing that could happen?
wind of my soul (cat stevens)

21) How will you die?
work it (missy elliot)

22) What is the one thing you regret?
chop suey (richard cheese)

23) What makes you laugh?
melon farmer (ash)

24) What makes you cry?
spain (chick corea)

25) Will you ever get married?
the hustle (common)

26) What scares you the most?
living life (ben kweller)

27) Does anyone like you?
'90 AKA a man like me (lemon jelly)

28) If you could go back in time what would you change?
inside (moby)

29) What hurts right now?
buddy holly (ben folds)

30) What will you post this as?
more beats & pieces (coldcut)

the wrong trousers

why don't we get more of this sort of thing in london?

horse feathers

this could be like searching for a hip replacement ball-joint in a barrel of broken dogs.

a boy, a girl & a bike

as is the trend with this time of year, i've come over all philosophical and self-aware. my thoughts are predominately about my life and the lives of those around me, about what happened during 2008 and what i want from 2009.

well, the world changed for everyone. barack obama was voted as the next president and like him or not he takes office in 10 days and the world will change.
more specifically, the world was flipped to all angles for the people i love.
troubadour took a big ol' step and moved in with red.
batman married his wonderful wife.
the duchess sent herself on a voyage of self-discovery.
shoelace and my sister became finally pregnant.
my brother and his girlfriend became unexpectedly pregnant and have since given birth to a bundle of cuteness named Alice May...
and so on and so forth.
oh yes, and it would appear that i have bumped into the greatest woman of all time =>

i could go on, but i try to look forward more than dwell on the past; even if that plan doesn't always come into fruition. so, to 2009.

a couple of things lay on the horizon. i'm going to double-up my uncle status when Madeleine is born in february. i'm still not sure of the spelling of her name, but i'm sure that she will be as loved as her cousin, and as much as anyone could be.
my company's contract is going through renewal and what with that and the current (very boring) credit crisis i might be without a job in the near-ish future.
my lovely lady may encourage me into a moving-in scenario if she plays her cards right.
so it's looking like an alright year, as things go. i have a remarkable woman, and continue to have the best friends you could hope for; so what more could i want?

well i'm a fat bugger, so my next project is to make some improvements there. the standard self-promise of anyone who lives through a new years eve party, "i will lose the lard" and actually do some exercise. actually. and the way i'm going to do it is by taking up cycling as my principal form of transport around london. judging by the way - over the last 3 weeks - i've been growing noticeably obsessed by buying a bike, it looks like i'll be throwing myself whole-heartedly into it.
and it means i get to almost completely cut out traveling on the london underground, which is akin to vomiting bile on a daily basis.

so, through this scheme, my employer is buying me a bicycle; and from then on i'll be back on two wheels for the first time since i crashed my wonderful honda, and on a self-propelled two wheels for the first time since i was knee-high to a grasshopper.
i can't wait. especially after the 12 mile off-road ride i did with The Budd's dad over the weekend.
as soon as the accounts department get off their ass and sort payment out, i'll be taking home one of these bad boys

and i guess if you want to go by olde blogging conventions: the urban cowboy will be returning to the saddle... albeit a self-propelled, smaller version.

i'm hoping that this might turn into a bit of a cyclist's blog, as long as the obsession continues. unfortunately it will lack the technical knowledge and scathing grace of my new favourite blogger who shares my love for cynicism and my active hatred for all things pretentious, whilst managing to weasel in some useful technical information.

while i'm on the subject of pretentiousness, in neon-sun tradition i'd like to direct you towards another thing on the web that amused me; and nothing could be closer to my heart than the ridicule of twats that can be found here. the website speaks for itself, but from me - if you ever bump into anyone featured on it, feel free to explore their innards with a heavy-weight seatpost.

sliding doors

the ballad of david icke

a few weeks ago i donated blood for the first time which was a laugh riot. actually it really wasn't that bad, go and do it.

i got a letter today, from the blood people, who informed me that i have the one of the rarest of all blood types: O (rhesus) negative. i share it with only 7% of people and it's very useful because it has no 'antigens.' it means two things:

1: my blood can be safely given to anyone, like newborn babies and in emergencies where there's no time to test someone's blood.

2: if i ever need blood... i'm screwed.


most fascinating though, according to this website it means i am descended from ancient space lizards.

oh come all ye faithful

dirty bitch nigella lawson treats us to her ideal christmas snatch-bashing.

bad santa

psycho

failblog favourite number five:

stand by me

failblog favourite number four:

50 first dates

failblog favourite number three:

showgirls

failblog favourite number two:

these are a few of my favourite things

i've mentioned failblog before, but i'm going to put a few of my favourites up in the next couple of days.

number one:

A.V.....p

i've worked as an AV tech for a good while now and it can be a long, hard, thankless slog. i've thought nothing of a 70 hour week, or a two-day rig that's been changed at the last minute.
or a client turning up and knowing your job better than you do, even though it's their first ever live event.
or making a speaker cable out of a 4-way because some idiot didn't put enough in the cable trunk.
or getting the blame for a microphone not working, and it turns out someone in the audience has turned it off.
or rigging an event one day, turning up the next day to run it and finding one of the cleaners has stolen the projector.
or HP laptops deciding they don't want to work anymore. mid-show.
or camera-men falling asleep.
or finding that a crew-member has plugged the entire video/graphics rig, satellite feed and the comms system into one 13-amp socket.
or hanging over a balcony (gripping with your ankles) re-focusing red-hot lamps with your bare hands, because the presenter has decided to re-arrange the furniture half way through the event.
or catching a set, before it lands on a string quartet.
.... i could go on...
(and ripping your hands to shreds... every day.)

we don't get much in the way of recognition, usually. and actually, most of the time when i say "i'm an AV tech" people look at me, slightly confused, and reply something like,

"oh cool, that's with computers and stuff."

or

"oh cool, because my telly has stopped working, so you can fix it."

or

"oh cool,...... errrrrmmmmmm. i'm a receptionist so i deal with you guys all the time."

or (my personal favourite)

oh cool, you make wires don't you?"

no.

so imagine my pleasant surprise on looking back over one of the most memorable speeches this century and finding this:


(by the way, it's techs that built the stage he's on. and ran the sound system. and the screens. and the lighting rig. and the graphics, sound, cameras, video network, satellite feeds, tv broadcast, arranged and fired the fireworks. we brought it all in on trucks. we carried it into the venue. we set it all up. we made it work. tested it. tested it 40 more times. worked it.
and then
long into the night and the next few days
we took it all down, put it back in trucks, and left an empty room for the next group of techs who were probably sitting outside waiting.

and we probably did it all on 10 chocolate biscuits.

you're welcome.

high school musical

think of all the american comedians and actors you like. one of them is in this:

my heart will go on

it would make me beyond happy to see this film:

the notebook

* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence here.

here is mine:

"The sampling rate converter for the selected 2TR Digital Input turns on or off: when on, the sampling rate of the received digital audio is converted to the DM1000’s current sampling rate."

event horizon

windows vista is shit.


just buy a mac for god's sake.

species

lolita

well hello you big perv. judging by the information i get from google analytics this is my most viewed blog entry. and most people get to it because they've searched for "sun lolitas" or something similar. sorry to disappoint you, but you won't find any here.

to add insult to injury, i'm afraid the video that i originally posted here has also been deleted from the original server. i can tell you it was a lovely comedy short of hayden panatierre talking about sexual harassment in the work place. she swears a lot in it. it was very sexy.

as you can't watch it, why don't you click here to see all my blog entries that do still feature sexy ladies and pornographic material.

now, back to the original post (that doesn't work anymore):

always happy to watch her.

i like it when she says fuck.

the nightmare before christmas

you may not be fully aware, but the presidential election is in two weeks. hopefully all the intelligent americans will vote.

don't falter

...or mccain himself can:

happy feet

don't let me influence you. not over adam west, anyway.

babe

i'm not issuing a commentary, just compiling evidence.

the fox and the hound

i love presenters on the fox network, they all seem just a little bit over excited, like a 'special' kid in primary school.

delicatessen

highlights of the fighting.

back to the future: pt II

this will go down as one of her most famous comments. presumably she was trying to win over the hockey moms, but surely calling someone a pit bull is exceedingly insulting. here is a pitbull:


bitch

the lost boys

of course we all remember our all time top actors and personal loved ones: corey haim and corey feldman. whatever happened to those chaps of 80's movie fame? back in the day haim could've been the next batman and feldman was en route for governor of california or something. at the very least one of them would've been asked to be vice president.

well worry and regret no longer, my dears, they have a new show! hurrah!

as you can see, haim appears to have aged into an early 90's white rap star slash addict.... and feldman... hasn't aged. at all.

24

this video reminded me of elisha cuthbert.

clueless

she writes herself.

failure to launch

failblog features a fine selection of mistakes, and it manages to filter them out so only the funny ones make it to the website. high on the list of laughs is this religion-based FAIL.

bless her little cotton mind.

(bless it with a large blunt object)

liar liar

thank you msnbc.


"pork barrel politics" is a derogatory term used to describe spending state money specifically intended to win over voters, rather than benefit the public.

little women

you see, i'm not frightened of mccain being president. i'm frightened he might die and leave her in charge.

lost without you

the new york stock exchange is opened every day with far more pomp and circumstance than necessary. today it was opened by delta goodrem in honour of her new album. (?!)

on the website it suggests that you can watch "Watch a live webcast of The Opening Bell at 9:29 a.m. ET on October 14, 2008. The archive will be available shortly after the event."

so, i'm not sure what they mean by 'live.'

little drummer boy

hit it

ripping yarns

yep, i'm starting another anti-sarah palin campaign to add to the tens of thousands out there.

luckily, they all provide me with a wealth of source material that in turn has been supplied by the (slightly retarded) hockey mom, herself.

blowing in the wind

i like a woman who can take her underwear off in public.

riding in cars with boys

paris hilton is accompanied by one of the best actors and coolest men alive, and she is still shit.

oh martin, i hope you got paid.

an american president

i've been a staunch defender of obama in the last few months. mainly, my basis has been on the fact that he's a democrat and so was josiah bartlett (the greatest president ever). the west wing TV series has a big influence on my knowledge of the american political system, i make no apologies as it was well informed, deeply researched and filled with advocated devil arguments.

i'm rewatching the entire of west wing again as my girlfriend hasn't seen it before, so i won't go into any detail... but writer Aaron Sorkin based jimmy smits' character on barack obama way back in 2001 so if that's not a sign of intelligent writing i don't know what is.


anyway, i watched the presidential debate a couple of days ago. i felt as a member of the human race who is vastly affected by the choice of american president in the self-dubbed "greatest nation on earth;" that i should at least watch the two most likely candidates cat-fight it out for an hour or so.

the results were pretty disappointing.

i viewed the debate with as little bias as possible, giving mccain the benefit of any republican-based doubts. i was well aware that obama isn't actually matt santos but a human being without a preordained, scripted life story. i was fully prepared for the blind patriotism that you always get whenever american's talk about anything, absolutely anything. they both had a fair shot. they both missed.

i liked them both, as people. but i am in no way excited about either of them becoming the "leader of the free world" - (that title always makes me laugh and shake my head.) i'm not naive, i know that they would have both had endless sessions with their political advisors and script writers and strategists and sam seabournes and josh lymans and bruno gianellis, and they would have been given key words to repeat over and over. john mccain's most obvious were 'economy' and referring to the audience as his 'friends.' although its amazing how little i managed to understand what mccain was talking about half the time. more often than not, his answers were a rambling mash of tangents and bewilderment, usually followed by some slightly inaccurate questioning of obama's political record.

i remained unconvinced.

i hoped to be more enthralled by barack. his commanding presence during his speeches and his focus on middle-class issues have warmed me up 'til now. i get a good vibe from him. he is young and energetic and a step forward for america. but he does lack experience, and it shows, particularly in matters to do with military presence around the world. hopefully he will be able to fill in the gaps very quickly between now and when it might be important.

watching this debate brought me - begrudgingly - back home to british politics. firstly, wondering about the possibilities of creating this united states style celebrity atmosphere around our top politicians. my theory is the following: politicians would have to work harder. this can only be better in terms of policy, behaviour and personality.

secondly, we really don't have any worthy choices to lead our country. we are faced with the three most likely
gordon brown - useless, bumbling idiot with no personality who is yet to actually be elected into his position; and appears to have propelled our country into economical disaster.
david cameron - whiny posh-boy who seems to think that politics is only about belittling the opposition and not about making the country better.
nick clegg - wha'... who? oh, him. well he can promise anything can't he, because he'll never be in power and won't have to hold true on any of them.

so it's slowly becoming evident that the world has no good candidates.
great britain? no.
USA? no.
russia? holy shit no.
china? oh lord.
africa?..... i'll get back to you.
korea, cuba, iraq, south america, afghanistan, canary wharf?.... oh dear.

"vote Obama!
in the absence of Jed Bartlett, he's the best we've got."

watch the entire debate if you like:

dumb & dumberer

we're fucked

clerks II

this is based on a true story

easy rider

porn you can watch with your mum. that's what we all want.

bo selecta

this chap is called bo burnham. he made me laugh twice today.

mr. big stuff

the devil wears prada

american psycho

justified

maybe with the negative responses to my range of media tramps i should seek to justify them a bit more. i guess they are on a line between satire and art, but as i'm more of visualist than a political spokesman i'll forcibly nestle them in the world of activist art.

activism has been expressed through art for a pretty long time and - good or bad - it comes from the artist's need to express a dissatisfaction with the world as it is. politics, pop culture, conformation, capitalism, colonialism and anything you care to list has probably been satirised or commented upon in some form of activist artwork, and this is all i'm doing. whether you think it's offensive or ill-informed or just plain 'bad' that's fine; but i'm regularly and consistently angered by the way that certain roots of the media choose to celebrate and reward mediocrity. for some reason the likes of paris hilton and jordan - who don't appear to contribute anything positive to our society - are praised, empowered and rewarded for such lack of action.

paris hilton is paid up to $100,000 to turn up to a party. a hard day's work i'm sure.

jordan promotes the idea of a bad body image in a lot of teenage girls.

amy winehouse has had more publicity through news coverage this year than anyone else, largely because of a widely advertised drug addiction. earlier this year, winehouse was voted (by teenagers) to be the best role model in the country, without any redemption. if that's not a concern, what is?

kate moss is considered a role model for children, showing them that as long as you are physically attractive you can be paid a lot of money for disgracing yourself.

simon cowell is just arrogant and doesn't get pulled up on it enough because he gave us westlife and robson & jerome. twat.

lily allen's one is just a review of her music really. you could read similar reviews in any issue of NME magazine.

the american judicial system has ruled britney spears to be a bad mother. whether she loves her kids or not, i can't find evidence to argue with them.

steve jones is famously rumoured to have slept with mariah carey and as one man to another i feel i should at the very least take the piss out of him for it.

i am genuinely frightened of the potential reality of sarah palin becoming president. this particular one was inspired by matt damon's comments last week.


these are all pretty concise, and i'd probably find great self-destructive pleasure in ranting at length about each of these people in turn. i thought it would suffice to do the pictures instead.

i suppose you could argue that these people are unfair game, have personal psychological troubles and it's not their fault that cheap-ass tabloids focus on them and put pictures of their abuse on the front page. if you were totally naive.

you should all note that i didn't have to look past the first google-results page for any of the links used in this post.

peaceful the world lays me down

a lovely little song from a lovely little band.
Noah and the Whale - 2 Bodies 1 Heart

what's eating gilbert grape?

xXx

baise moi

i've done a few of these media tramp pictures now and there are more to come. some people have taken offense to them, i just thought they were funny. offensive is funny. satire, eh? some like it hot, some don't.

i don't mean any personal offense, just having a bit of a rant about the way popular-media celebrates mediocrity. i find it offensive that this lot suck up my TV time. i pay good money for my license, you know.

that's better.

white christmas

bend it like beckham

memento

faster pussycat, kill! kill!

(you make me feel like a) natural woman

the bourne ultimatum

sometimes hollywood actors do actually make sense.

suburban rhythm

come to this and see me there!

i touch myself

in celebration of that thing we all do, i must shoot some respect all over the face of the chap who runs this website.

the (forgivable) anonymous contributor has been keeping a long term tally of all the wanks he's had in the last few years over the hot women to be found on british TV. from newsreaders to CBBC presenters, we've all thought it, and now thanks to this turkey-choker we can all admit it.

please take time to read the blog, it's a heart-breaking tale of the battles he faces between his heart, his mind, and his fist.

also check out the Wank Rank - a tally of tugging.

i found this site whilst looking for images of BBC weather-girl Laura Tobin (pictured)... mmmmmm

the kids are alright

childs play was originally released 20 years ago!

now you feel old, don't you?

to celebrate, the distribution company dressed a load of kids up as chucky and sent them out into new york to play with knives. look how sinister they are... look at them. bring back children with meat cleavers in films i say. or just give a load of meat cleavers to some children and see what happens.

non, je ne regrette rien

i got back from holiday the other day.

being home and going to work is not as good as being on holiday.

here is a gallery of photos in which you might find pictures of my pregnant sister being forced into a chilly swimming pool, my best friend looking retarded and some of our mighty Ford Tourneo... "the most uncomfortable hire-car in history" (pictured).

alien autopsy

on saturday 30th august, a friend of my girlfriend got married. i took my camera and i think i might be starting to get quite good at using it because i took some nice photos. i'm still operating on a scatter-gun approach... "take 4 thousand photos, get 5 good ones" but it seems to be working.

the guest list at this particular wedding seemed to only consist of very beautiful people, and me. i was rather taken with the one you can see in that picture there, and can't find anything in me to not brag about the fact that she is - in fact - my girlfriend The Budd.

awesome.

there is also a beijing 2008 gold medal winner in there. see if you can spot him.

mercury rising

i hate BMWs.

i know they are well made cars that go for miles, but i invariably have an adverse physical reaction to them akin to that gut-wrenching feeling you get when you've forgotten to do your homework. mainly because they are inevitably driven by arseholes.

it's true. i've been conducting research in my head over the last few years, since i started riding a motorbike actually. about 70% of the time i've seen some idiot driving badly it's been a BMW.
and when i see a BMW, about 50% of the time, they do something idiotic.

and they look so smug all the time.

however, i just discovered this video and i must say, the emotional response to it was rather different. instead of the normal adrenalin rush of fear for my life and the lives of those innocent parties around, i got one of immense excitement and arousal. watch this and tell me you don't feel it too.

my favourite is the bonnet. hummana-hummana.


ooooooohhhhhhh.

the west wing

fingers crossed everyone

rednecks

this made me laugh. these guys are the equivalent of chavs in this country so a great deal of pleasure is to be had by watching this all the way through.

don't do guns, kids.

pretty woman

currently i'm watching the ladies weightlifting.

there are two kinds of weightlifting:

the snatch
where you lift it above your head before straightening your legs.

the clean & jerk
where you lift it to your chest before lifting it above your head.

they both have equally amusing names.

payback

in my current job where i don't really do anything except watch telly, i've been spending a lot of time with the beijing olympics.

my favourite moment so far happened about 20 minutes ago when georgia fought back from inevitable defeat at the beach volleyball against the russians.

yep, that's a strange old situation. i can't help wondering what was going through the girls heads while they were playing. it must've been impossible to not be thinking on some level about the slaughter happening back home. yikes. they say politics shouldn't come into the olympics.... and i'm well aware that beach volleyball is on quite a different level to military invasion, but still, i'm pretty glad georgia won.

on a side note, being able to watch beach volleyball at work is frikken awesome.

the thrill

this is my friend louise. her music is awesome. you should watch this music video as it is really rather good.
and then go to her website: louisegolbey.com

the fly

i don't normally do such things as copy and paste the news, but this story made me laugh. martin brundle, you legend:

ITV has escaped punishment after the word "pikey" - a slang term for gypsy - was used in a sports broadcast in June.

Host Martin Brundle was interviewing Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone before the Canadian Grand Prix, where part of the track had crumbled.

"There are some pikeys there at turn 10 putting tarmac down - what do you think of that," he asked.

Media regulator Ofcom said it would take no action after ITV apologised and addressed the issue with its presenter.

The broadcaster argued that "pikey" was now used more widely but conceded that it still remains a derogatory term.

It added that Brundle was unaware of the potential racial or ethnic connotations and so had not meant to cause any offence towards the travelling communities.

After the show ITV received 22 complaints from viewers over the remark while Ofcom received 14.

Brundle was a Formula One driver throughout the 1980s and 1990s and has won awards for his work as a commentator for ITV.

He is known for his "walk-and-talk" technique, where he prowls around the starting grid before races to interview drivers and celebrity spectators.

read story here

chariots of fire

try as a i might, i can't find an attractive lady on the GBR olympic team.

maybe we'll win a medal for that.



although china will do quite well.