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Tuesday, 19 February 2008
it's the hard knock life
yes, you are right; i haven't written in a while. not at length anyway. the age-old excuse will suffice - i've been busy at work dear. to be honest it's been a bit ridiculous and the last few months of last year drove me quite near to the edge of insanity. i was only ever at work, barely a spare moment to myself let alone to the ones i love. there was actually a point around mid-november where i realised i hadn't seen any friends or family for a month. four weeks! to be honest, that's just utter stupidity: work/sleep/work/sleep, for 28 days. nothing social in that time, only a selfless contribution to someone else's paycheck. this in the midst of a whole year of nightmarishly hard labour and dwindling social activity.
then a meeting, with some monkey who supposedly manages the company. "as a department we thrashed our targets to pieces this year, individually i have been instrumental in this and have taken on the work of someone in an entirely different pay scale. how about i get a pay rise and some indication as to when i will stop having to work 75 hour weeks?" said i.
"unfortunately the rest of the company didn't do so well so your department's contribution isn't really worth a rat's cock," came the reply, or something similar, "and we can't give you a pay rise now because you only had one 11 months ago and we can only look at salaries once a year."
"because of what reason?" me.
"because that's how it works." him.
"oh, that makes perfect sense. and what about the unreasonable amount of time that i've spent in this building over the last few months?"
"you won't find a job in this industry that allows you a 40 hour week, mate."
"don't call me 'mate' you ignorant patronising fuck."
(i may have paraphrased that a little for dramatic effect, but the sentiment was certainly there)
well, to cut a longish story short i handed my resignation in a few days later; when i found that i had spent 5 days in a constant state of teetering on the edge of losing my temper. bearing in mind that i've only lost my temper once before in my life and that was when when someone hit me with a mercedes, this wasn't a mind set i enjoyed wallowing in. so i quickly wrote a letter and gave it in.
it was a nice feeling. then i thought - i should get a new job, then..... um, yeah.
"you won't find a job in this industry that allows you a 40 hour week, mate."
except... i have.
here:
and they're going to pay me much more money.
suck on that you morale-destroying cocktard.
then a meeting, with some monkey who supposedly manages the company. "as a department we thrashed our targets to pieces this year, individually i have been instrumental in this and have taken on the work of someone in an entirely different pay scale. how about i get a pay rise and some indication as to when i will stop having to work 75 hour weeks?" said i.
"unfortunately the rest of the company didn't do so well so your department's contribution isn't really worth a rat's cock," came the reply, or something similar, "and we can't give you a pay rise now because you only had one 11 months ago and we can only look at salaries once a year."
"because of what reason?" me.
"because that's how it works." him.
"oh, that makes perfect sense. and what about the unreasonable amount of time that i've spent in this building over the last few months?"
"you won't find a job in this industry that allows you a 40 hour week, mate."
"don't call me 'mate' you ignorant patronising fuck."
(i may have paraphrased that a little for dramatic effect, but the sentiment was certainly there)
well, to cut a longish story short i handed my resignation in a few days later; when i found that i had spent 5 days in a constant state of teetering on the edge of losing my temper. bearing in mind that i've only lost my temper once before in my life and that was when when someone hit me with a mercedes, this wasn't a mind set i enjoyed wallowing in. so i quickly wrote a letter and gave it in.
it was a nice feeling. then i thought - i should get a new job, then..... um, yeah.
"you won't find a job in this industry that allows you a 40 hour week, mate."
except... i have.
here:
and they're going to pay me much more money.
suck on that you morale-destroying cocktard.
Monday, 18 February 2008
oranges are not the only fruit
i have recently spent a stupidly large amount of money on a lovely mac laptop. i will be running this (what i am typing on right now) and my windows based PC for the time being; subconsciously comparing the two i guess, whether i want to or not.
much as i am purposefully going to resist becoming one of those horrible self-righteous militant apple users that you encounter far too regularly, it does seem that OS Leopard is quite ridiculously a lot better that XP. no surprise there i suppose.
as long as i don't have to go any where near Vista, i'm a happy man.
much as i am purposefully going to resist becoming one of those horrible self-righteous militant apple users that you encounter far too regularly, it does seem that OS Leopard is quite ridiculously a lot better that XP. no surprise there i suppose.
as long as i don't have to go any where near Vista, i'm a happy man.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
the italian job
if - by some very strange and pleasant set of coincidences - the gorgeous girl i met today with a coat of the same name and trouble with her mackerel, is reading this... please do get in touch. this would be most agreeable.
Saturday, 12 January 2008
the young ones
i casually look out of the side of my eye at the menu on his ipod; as i like to do when i'm sitting there waiting for my wheeled tube to reach its destination. i like to see what different people choose to hear when they adjourn. you see
he wears a conservative trenchcoat and business tie. grey makes cameos on his temples. his shoes are sensible, but to him a luxury. the celebrity page of a badly written free newspaper holds his attention.
he is listening to a dora the explorer audio book.
he wears a conservative trenchcoat and business tie. grey makes cameos on his temples. his shoes are sensible, but to him a luxury. the celebrity page of a badly written free newspaper holds his attention.
he is listening to a dora the explorer audio book.
Sunday, 6 January 2008
walk the dinosaur
for all of those thousands of readers out there who are completely enamoured by everything i do and say, you have another chance to update your life on my life on a regular occasion. me, shoelace and troubadour have just embarked on a slippery route to recording a podcast. i've bought a load of recording equipment and we've sat down and talked inanely for a few hours.
click here and you'll be whisked off to a page where you can download "The Odd Cast." eventually it will be on iTunes and you can automatically do it for free automatically. presently there's only the first episode, with more to come very soon. the first one is a bit rough, but bear with it they are getting awesome.
or just listen to it here:
| The Odd Cast Episo... |
of course you may just be completely bored by it, but it passes the time on a journey to work now and again doesn't it?
I've been to the year 3000
I got a new phone. It does a lot of things like push email and video calls. I am using it to do this blog while I'm sitting on a bus.
It doesn't let me type in only lowercase letters though, as is my normal style.
To be honest, the only reason I'm writing this entry is to see whether this phone has the same layout problems that my last one did in transfer from handset to internet. Pretty dull for you guys.
Yep.
It doesn't let me type in only lowercase letters though, as is my normal style.
To be honest, the only reason I'm writing this entry is to see whether this phone has the same layout problems that my last one did in transfer from handset to internet. Pretty dull for you guys.
Yep.
Thursday, 3 January 2008
it was a very good year
yes, it's 2008. the year i become older than i ever thought i'd be. and it's the time of year when you look back at last year and mull over how goodish it were. then you look at the year ahead and wonder how goodish you can make it be.
as for last year:
i took an amazing trip across eurasia, ran a youth theatre event for some amazing kids, i bought a massive jeep, kissed some mighty fine ladies, didn't crash ANY vehicles, bought an expensive suit, got drunk & smoked with my equally sober best friend, spent a great deal of time with my wonderful friends, stood up to my boss, went to at least one gig every month, worked through tonsillitis, threw caution to the wind a good few times, ate a snake....
it'll be a tough one to beat, but to encourage a good beating this year i plan to:
1 get a new job
2 have two proper holidays
3 throw caution to the wind a good few times
4 marry each one of you in turn
5 seize every opportunity to do good stuff
6 discover a new favourite band
7 wear hats a lot
8 see my wonderful friends more
quite generic, i know, but... whatever
if i can pull off 5 of those 8, i will consider it perfection.
as for last year:
i took an amazing trip across eurasia, ran a youth theatre event for some amazing kids, i bought a massive jeep, kissed some mighty fine ladies, didn't crash ANY vehicles, bought an expensive suit, got drunk & smoked with my equally sober best friend, spent a great deal of time with my wonderful friends, stood up to my boss, went to at least one gig every month, worked through tonsillitis, threw caution to the wind a good few times, ate a snake....
it'll be a tough one to beat, but to encourage a good beating this year i plan to:
1 get a new job
2 have two proper holidays
3 throw caution to the wind a good few times
4 marry each one of you in turn
5 seize every opportunity to do good stuff
6 discover a new favourite band
7 wear hats a lot
8 see my wonderful friends more
quite generic, i know, but... whatever
if i can pull off 5 of those 8, i will consider it perfection.
one down
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
i am legend
his face is familiar. as he climbs from a silver car an earring glints in the lights, flickering like a strobe. he smiles at no-one and smooths down a crease in his jacket. calmly he hides a wince as the december cool pokes a finger under his shirt with exploratory depth. acting, i guess.
hollywood teeth.
i expect he has spent most of the day in front of a mirror with a thousand well paid amazons stroking and carving and licking where possible. there is a response in the area that i don't quite understand. i spend the next ten minutes pondering it as i walk away, buffeted by latecomers desperate to glimpse his million dollar smile or his pristine wife.
they could just wait for tomorrow's edition of london lite, if they could stand the words.
it is noisy back there, and camera flashes are busy using up expensive batteries. it must be a little weird for him.
sometimes.
if he thinks about it.
hollywood teeth.
i expect he has spent most of the day in front of a mirror with a thousand well paid amazons stroking and carving and licking where possible. there is a response in the area that i don't quite understand. i spend the next ten minutes pondering it as i walk away, buffeted by latecomers desperate to glimpse his million dollar smile or his pristine wife.
they could just wait for tomorrow's edition of london lite, if they could stand the words.
it is noisy back there, and camera flashes are busy using up expensive batteries. it must be a little weird for him.
sometimes.
if he thinks about it.
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
i'm no superman
he thinks he's clark kent or something. hair, glasses, suit and tie all measure up. There is a giveaway though. underneath it all, he's a couple of feet shorter than me and about half as wide.
his tie is left only half done like he was in mid-change in a phonebox when he got the call from the tube.
it may be a fake tan, but i'm not so sure. he seems the type though.
if it were twenty years ago he'd be shouting down a big grey breeze block of a phone, struggling with the weight of its solid polycarbonate aerial. this would continue even into the tube system to keep everyone in the know about his business expertise, wealth and self-belief. today, instead, he covers the cover of his spy book with a dorothy perkins bag.
he maintains a puffed up chest in order to make him appear bigger and more solid. the breath control needed for this results in a constant look of concern.
his tie is left only half done like he was in mid-change in a phonebox when he got the call from the tube.
it may be a fake tan, but i'm not so sure. he seems the type though.
if it were twenty years ago he'd be shouting down a big grey breeze block of a phone, struggling with the weight of its solid polycarbonate aerial. this would continue even into the tube system to keep everyone in the know about his business expertise, wealth and self-belief. today, instead, he covers the cover of his spy book with a dorothy perkins bag.
he maintains a puffed up chest in order to make him appear bigger and more solid. the breath control needed for this results in a constant look of concern.
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
big
he is enormous. before we settle in opposite seats we stood by each other with him towering above me as far as the roof allowed. tall and wide and thick. he has grown his hair long, thrown carelessly into an elastic banded horses tail.
i count 10 badges on his donkey jacket, each a weird tribal or comic book design apart from one pink ribbon. one has fallen off leaving just safety pin and some glue.
his head is slightly over sized for his features. his eyes are no where near symmetrical.
he is studying a badly written paper that will have been handed to him by some guy dressed in purple. there is an ironic smirk on his face as if to say "these guys are terrible journalists, but this is a free paper."
his fingernails are long and his arms are more hairy than average.
i count 10 badges on his donkey jacket, each a weird tribal or comic book design apart from one pink ribbon. one has fallen off leaving just safety pin and some glue.
his head is slightly over sized for his features. his eyes are no where near symmetrical.
he is studying a badly written paper that will have been handed to him by some guy dressed in purple. there is an ironic smirk on his face as if to say "these guys are terrible journalists, but this is a free paper."
his fingernails are long and his arms are more hairy than average.
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
who are you?
there is a split straight through his thumbnail, looks like he has taken a sharp knife and slowly & carefully sliced a ruler straight line from base to tip. dark brown dried blood marks it out.
it is not worrying him. he sits with legs wide apart, a large sized paperback open on his lap and his arms following the direction of the pages so his elbows stick out beside him and into the burgundy haired woman on one side.
the book is old, second or third hand from an old musty bookshop or riverside table sale. if the bookmark tells the truth; he is a fast reader and has zipped through maybe a hundred pages on this journey.
i think he is an artist. there is a tiny speck of paint on one trouser leg and none of his clothes match.
i never get to see what book he is reading, he dives from the train at the last moment before the doors close at kings cross.
it is not worrying him. he sits with legs wide apart, a large sized paperback open on his lap and his arms following the direction of the pages so his elbows stick out beside him and into the burgundy haired woman on one side.
the book is old, second or third hand from an old musty bookshop or riverside table sale. if the bookmark tells the truth; he is a fast reader and has zipped through maybe a hundred pages on this journey.
i think he is an artist. there is a tiny speck of paint on one trouser leg and none of his clothes match.
i never get to see what book he is reading, he dives from the train at the last moment before the doors close at kings cross.
Monday, 3 December 2007
girl, interrupted
She finds reasons to avoid reading her novel. Constantly she picks it up, reads a line or two and places it back on her leatherette handbag with the relief snakeskin pattern marked out by grease stains. Gabriel Garcia Marque one hundred years of solitude is written on its cover. She attempts to look interested as she skims over a story that skims over a family skimming through time.
With her topcoat buttoned high and her dry straw hair doing their best to cascade over her shoulders; there is but a glimpse of a victorian blouse.
She looks intensely at the route map above my head. Then, with a sigh, heads back to dusty lands and tiresome generations.
She has a pointy face. All features lean forwards in a constant hasty distain. Her engagement ring looks homemade.
I wonder if anyone will ever notice me writing about them like this.
Sunday, 2 December 2007
underground
He clutches an empty espresso cup, holding it near his face as though to smell the remaining frangrance. His hair is slick, ginger deadened by products fighting to hold it against his head.
He has clearly spent a great deal of time trimming his beard into its perfect shape.
He looks american.
Clothes betray each other. A red striped sports top, african necklace with the manufactured tooth of a pretend animal, Tight jeans hold things in place and bulge awkwardly when he crosses and uncrosses his legs. The biggest contradiction covers his feet in enormous black leather and
metal boots, all buckles and studs and architectural steel structures.
Black ray-ban shades are proudly displayed, resting on his forehead and each time he removes them to clean last five minutes dust he reveals two temporary ray-ban scars just above his eyebrows.
His eyes are dark. Like a raven.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
jazz, delicious hot, discusting cold
rare it is, that a band is greater in the flesh than on the disc.
before cutting the vinyl you can bend and sway the voice, edit the eclectic keyboard, re-drum the faulty drum. steppe by steppe you can piece together a puzzle of good versions with a PC or MAC until your track be perfect. e'en a bad lady recording of girls out-loud miss-firing and stuttering like a spoilt collection of old bangers can be spoon fed into a computer box like an EVENTIDE MODEL H3000-B, H3000-B+ and B/LT ULTRA HARMONIZER®, and everything can be pitch-perfecticided.
this happens pop-freaks. deal with it.
but the run-of-the-mill can be replaced. thankful, i am. now & again you can be jumped upon by a pack of musical hounds with talent falling from every stitch. duke special runs and jumps into this category with by far the best live act i have come across. whilst their music on the compact disc is a fine rendition, you haven't grasped the duke and his merry band of merry men until you've merrily leaned upon their stage.
i miss them when they're gone. i first encountered them at a little known music festival in cheltenham about 4 years ago and desperately attempted to get everyone i knew to join me as the gig slid. they couldn't. some of them were hundreds o' miles away. but then begun my love affair with duke special.
duke special is led by himself, the duke. strongly irish husky tones surrounded by eyeliner and dreads atop a bright red military coat, pouring out unique rocky folky da-da and a hint of mesmerinsing heart. the duke is backed up by a tiny plethora of personable musicians each more talented than the man before and after him; and picking up more than their body weight in different instruments over the course of the evening. a recent addition to the team is that of ben castle on soprano/alto/bass saxomaphone, trumpetteering, clarinet, vox and all round gentrification. yes, he is roy castle's son.
for me personally, and not surprisingly most other audience, the shows are completed by the drummer. no ordinary drummer this. a man who has taken to calling himself "temperance society chip bailey" fulfils the da-daist regions this band ventures into. a phenomenal drummer and percussivist, with a set of snares and toms and cymbals and woodblocks and weird hitty things that would rival a dusty bric-a-brac shop, this ol' chap performs the music.
duke special on stage is an act of theatre.
and there is the music; opening up a soul-wrenching world of fantasy, original, orchestral walls of noise, playful to the end, cutting lyrics and - dare i say it? - beautiful tales of love and hope and the people who have both and neither.
i love this band. go and see them. buy and hear them. they are like nothing you've seen before or will ever see again and they make the world a little bit better.
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
new slang
the shins' albums are a collection of songs that can envelop you and coax you into feeling all warm & cosy with wistful unexplainable melodies and nostalgia and thoughts of charlotte from your year 9 art class whose eyes were like moonlit lakes. listen to them and "they'll change your life" as natalie portman's character says in Garden State.
the shins hardly ever tour, and tickets to their gigs are as hard to come by as a date with the aforementioned charlotte (or natalie portman for that matter - even more's the pity). However my good buddy 'the whackwit' fluked some earlier this year & I managed to step out of work early enough to sample a pint of swedish pear cider before they played.
much as i love their recordings, i have to say i was a little disappointed by the live show. i suppose i was hoping for that enveloping sound, i was hoping to stand in a room of music swaying slowly with my eyes closed in a room of sober, like-minded individuals. not so my friend, not so.
there seems to be a tendency that when bands like the shins perform live, they feel they need to 'liven' up their music, make it noisier and apparently more exciting. it's a shame, because the reason I like them is precisely for the mellowed demeanour of their recordings. if you distort the guitars and put the volume to 11, you destroy the mellow, and replace it with something resembling a bad cover band. though I hate hate hate to say it about a band that I otherwise love, that's a bit like what happened here.
perhaps slightly more unforgivable was the performance itself. the chaps pretty much bluntly refused to engage with the audience, simplifying the show to standing there and churning out the music with next to no personality showing through, bar david hernandez on guitar who jumped about a bit. i love this band, but sad to say it, left this gig feeling a little bit cheated.
the shins hardly ever tour, and tickets to their gigs are as hard to come by as a date with the aforementioned charlotte (or natalie portman for that matter - even more's the pity). However my good buddy 'the whackwit' fluked some earlier this year & I managed to step out of work early enough to sample a pint of swedish pear cider before they played.
much as i love their recordings, i have to say i was a little disappointed by the live show. i suppose i was hoping for that enveloping sound, i was hoping to stand in a room of music swaying slowly with my eyes closed in a room of sober, like-minded individuals. not so my friend, not so.
there seems to be a tendency that when bands like the shins perform live, they feel they need to 'liven' up their music, make it noisier and apparently more exciting. it's a shame, because the reason I like them is precisely for the mellowed demeanour of their recordings. if you distort the guitars and put the volume to 11, you destroy the mellow, and replace it with something resembling a bad cover band. though I hate hate hate to say it about a band that I otherwise love, that's a bit like what happened here.
perhaps slightly more unforgivable was the performance itself. the chaps pretty much bluntly refused to engage with the audience, simplifying the show to standing there and churning out the music with next to no personality showing through, bar david hernandez on guitar who jumped about a bit. i love this band, but sad to say it, left this gig feeling a little bit cheated.
Friday, 2 November 2007
working nine to five
just a little message to all my loved ones:
i'm sorry i haven't really been very responsive of late and haven't replied to any emails or text messages very much or at all. it's not that i'm actively ignoring you, it's just that i've been at work. "at work?" i hear your questions, "but surely there are evenings and weekends that you could've spent not ignoring me.."
nope. i've been working evenings and weekends too. it's stupidly busy here at good old central hall, busy like a hungry cannibal in an asylum. unfortunately the stupidity will continue for about another four weeks, but after that i'll be able to have some sort of social life again and actually meet up with you. so that'll be nice. if you do happen to see me please forgive the way i look, i probably haven't slept.
hope to see you soon, i miss you all. cheerio for now.
i'm sorry i haven't really been very responsive of late and haven't replied to any emails or text messages very much or at all. it's not that i'm actively ignoring you, it's just that i've been at work. "at work?" i hear your questions, "but surely there are evenings and weekends that you could've spent not ignoring me.."
nope. i've been working evenings and weekends too. it's stupidly busy here at good old central hall, busy like a hungry cannibal in an asylum. unfortunately the stupidity will continue for about another four weeks, but after that i'll be able to have some sort of social life again and actually meet up with you. so that'll be nice. if you do happen to see me please forgive the way i look, i probably haven't slept.
hope to see you soon, i miss you all. cheerio for now.
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
tripping over
Some of you may remember that earlier this year I embarked on a trip across Asia that included:
Some unwanted attention from the armed Chinese police force
Narrowly avoiding getting kicked in the brain by a horse
The most beautiful places in the world
Nearly breaking down in the desert
Breaking a vintage motorcycle
Indirectly killing a sheep
A dangerously cold lake
Avoiding tornadoes
Pooing into a hole
Eating a snake
A large beard
Eagles
I wrote every day I was away and finally I have managed to commit my entire journal to the digital world, just for you. Amongst you all; you will have varying levels of interest in my adventure, but you now have a choice whether to read about it or not. You can do so by clicking on this bad boy:
Due to the nature of web logs it’s all back to front with the last entry first, if your level of interest is high you’ll have to forward to the older posts first.
If you have a medium level of interest you can just dip in randomly and read it in any order.
If you have a low level, you might as well have not read that.
Some unwanted attention from the armed Chinese police force
Narrowly avoiding getting kicked in the brain by a horse
The most beautiful places in the world
Nearly breaking down in the desert
Breaking a vintage motorcycle
Indirectly killing a sheep
A dangerously cold lake
Avoiding tornadoes
Pooing into a hole
Eating a snake
A large beard
Eagles
I wrote every day I was away and finally I have managed to commit my entire journal to the digital world, just for you. Amongst you all; you will have varying levels of interest in my adventure, but you now have a choice whether to read about it or not. You can do so by clicking on this bad boy:
Due to the nature of web logs it’s all back to front with the last entry first, if your level of interest is high you’ll have to forward to the older posts first.
If you have a medium level of interest you can just dip in randomly and read it in any order.
If you have a low level, you might as well have not read that.
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