Thursday, 25 December 2008

oh come all ye faithful

dirty bitch nigella lawson treats us to her ideal christmas snatch-bashing.

bad santa

Sunday, 14 December 2008


failblog favourite number five:

Saturday, 13 December 2008

stand by me

failblog favourite number four:

Friday, 12 December 2008

50 first dates

failblog favourite number three:

Thursday, 11 December 2008


failblog favourite number two:

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

these are a few of my favourite things

i've mentioned failblog before, but i'm going to put a few of my favourites up in the next couple of days.

number one:

Tuesday, 9 December 2008


i've worked as an AV tech for a good while now and it can be a long, hard, thankless slog. i've thought nothing of a 70 hour week, or a two-day rig that's been changed at the last minute.
or a client turning up and knowing your job better than you do, even though it's their first ever live event.
or making a speaker cable out of a 4-way because some idiot didn't put enough in the cable trunk.
or getting the blame for a microphone not working, and it turns out someone in the audience has turned it off.
or rigging an event one day, turning up the next day to run it and finding one of the cleaners has stolen the projector.
or HP laptops deciding they don't want to work anymore. mid-show.
or camera-men falling asleep.
or finding that a crew-member has plugged the entire video/graphics rig, satellite feed and the comms system into one 13-amp socket.
or hanging over a balcony (gripping with your ankles) re-focusing red-hot lamps with your bare hands, because the presenter has decided to re-arrange the furniture half way through the event.
or catching a set, before it lands on a string quartet.
.... i could go on...
(and ripping your hands to shreds... every day.)

we don't get much in the way of recognition, usually. and actually, most of the time when i say "i'm an AV tech" people look at me, slightly confused, and reply something like,
"oh cool, that's with computers and stuff."

"oh cool, because my telly has stopped working, so you can fix it."

"oh cool,...... errrrrmmmmmm. i'm a receptionist so i deal with you guys all the time."

or (my personal favourite)
oh cool, you make wires don't you?"


so imagine my pleasant surprise on looking back over one of the most memorable speeches this century and finding this:

(by the way, it's techs that built the stage he's on. and ran the sound system. and the screens. and the lighting rig. and the graphics, sound, cameras, video network, satellite feeds, tv broadcast, arranged and fired the fireworks. we brought it all in on trucks. we carried it into the venue. we set it all up. we made it work. tested it. tested it 40 more times. worked it.
and then
long into the night and the next few days
we took it all down, put it back in trucks, and left an empty room for the next group of techs who were probably sitting outside waiting.

and we probably did it all on 10 chocolate biscuits.

you're welcome.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

high school musical

think of all the american comedians and actors you like. one of them is in this:

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

my heart will go on

it would make me beyond happy to see this film:

Friday, 28 November 2008

the notebook

* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence here.

here is mine:
"The sampling rate converter for the selected 2TR Digital Input turns on or off: when on, the sampling rate of the received digital audio is converted to the DM1000’s current sampling rate."

Friday, 14 November 2008

event horizon

windows vista is shit.

just buy a mac for god's sake.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Sunday, 26 October 2008


well hello you big perv. judging by the information i get from google analytics this is my most viewed blog entry. and most people get to it because they've searched for "sun lolitas" or something similar. sorry to disappoint you, but you won't find any here.

to add insult to injury, i'm afraid the video that i originally posted here has also been deleted from the original server. i can tell you it was a lovely comedy short of hayden panatierre talking about sexual harassment in the work place. she swears a lot in it. it was very sexy.

as you can't watch it, why don't you click here to see all my blog entries that do still feature sexy ladies and pornographic material.

now, back to the original post (that doesn't work anymore):

always happy to watch her.

i like it when she says fuck.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

the nightmare before christmas

you may not be fully aware, but the presidential election is in two weeks. hopefully all the intelligent americans will vote.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Thursday, 23 October 2008

happy feet

don't let me influence you. not over adam west, anyway.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008


i'm not issuing a commentary, just compiling evidence.

the fox and the hound

i love presenters on the fox network, they all seem just a little bit over excited, like a 'special' kid in primary school.


highlights of the fighting.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

back to the future: pt II

this will go down as one of her most famous comments. presumably she was trying to win over the hockey moms, but surely calling someone a pit bull is exceedingly insulting. here is a pitbull:


Monday, 20 October 2008

the lost boys

of course we all remember our all time top actors and personal loved ones: corey haim and corey feldman. whatever happened to those chaps of 80's movie fame? back in the day haim could've been the next batman and feldman was en route for governor of california or something. at the very least one of them would've been asked to be vice president.

well worry and regret no longer, my dears, they have a new show! hurrah!

as you can see, haim appears to have aged into an early 90's white rap star slash addict.... and feldman... hasn't aged. at all.


this video reminded me of elisha cuthbert.

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Saturday, 18 October 2008

failure to launch

failblog features a fine selection of mistakes, and it manages to filter them out so only the funny ones make it to the website. high on the list of laughs is this religion-based FAIL.

Friday, 17 October 2008

bless her little cotton mind.

(bless it with a large blunt object)

Thursday, 16 October 2008

liar liar

thank you msnbc.

"pork barrel politics" is a derogatory term used to describe spending state money specifically intended to win over voters, rather than benefit the public.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

little women

you see, i'm not frightened of mccain being president. i'm frightened he might die and leave her in charge.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

lost without you

the new york stock exchange is opened every day with far more pomp and circumstance than necessary. today it was opened by delta goodrem in honour of her new album. (?!)

on the website it suggests that you can watch "Watch a live webcast of The Opening Bell at 9:29 a.m. ET on October 14, 2008. The archive will be available shortly after the event."

so, i'm not sure what they mean by 'live.'

Monday, 13 October 2008

Sunday, 12 October 2008

ripping yarns

yep, i'm starting another anti-sarah palin campaign to add to the tens of thousands out there.

luckily, they all provide me with a wealth of source material that in turn has been supplied by the (slightly retarded) hockey mom, herself.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

blowing in the wind

i like a woman who can take her underwear off in public.

riding in cars with boys

paris hilton is accompanied by one of the best actors and coolest men alive, and she is still shit.

oh martin, i hope you got paid.

Friday, 10 October 2008

an american president

i've been a staunch defender of obama in the last few months. mainly, my basis has been on the fact that he's a democrat and so was josiah bartlett (the greatest president ever). the west wing TV series has a big influence on my knowledge of the american political system, i make no apologies as it was well informed, deeply researched and filled with advocated devil arguments.

i'm rewatching the entire of west wing again as my girlfriend hasn't seen it before, so i won't go into any detail... but writer Aaron Sorkin based jimmy smits' character on barack obama way back in 2001 so if that's not a sign of intelligent writing i don't know what is.

anyway, i watched the presidential debate a couple of days ago. i felt as a member of the human race who is vastly affected by the choice of american president in the self-dubbed "greatest nation on earth;" that i should at least watch the two most likely candidates cat-fight it out for an hour or so.

the results were pretty disappointing.

i viewed the debate with as little bias as possible, giving mccain the benefit of any republican-based doubts. i was well aware that obama isn't actually matt santos but a human being without a preordained, scripted life story. i was fully prepared for the blind patriotism that you always get whenever american's talk about anything, absolutely anything. they both had a fair shot. they both missed.

i liked them both, as people. but i am in no way excited about either of them becoming the "leader of the free world" - (that title always makes me laugh and shake my head.) i'm not naive, i know that they would have both had endless sessions with their political advisors and script writers and strategists and sam seabournes and josh lymans and bruno gianellis, and they would have been given key words to repeat over and over. john mccain's most obvious were 'economy' and referring to the audience as his 'friends.' although its amazing how little i managed to understand what mccain was talking about half the time. more often than not, his answers were a rambling mash of tangents and bewilderment, usually followed by some slightly inaccurate questioning of obama's political record.

i remained unconvinced.

i hoped to be more enthralled by barack. his commanding presence during his speeches and his focus on middle-class issues have warmed me up 'til now. i get a good vibe from him. he is young and energetic and a step forward for america. but he does lack experience, and it shows, particularly in matters to do with military presence around the world. hopefully he will be able to fill in the gaps very quickly between now and when it might be important.

watching this debate brought me - begrudgingly - back home to british politics. firstly, wondering about the possibilities of creating this united states style celebrity atmosphere around our top politicians. my theory is the following: politicians would have to work harder. this can only be better in terms of policy, behaviour and personality.

secondly, we really don't have any worthy choices to lead our country. we are faced with the three most likely
gordon brown - useless, bumbling idiot with no personality who is yet to actually be elected into his position; and appears to have propelled our country into economical disaster.
david cameron - whiny posh-boy who seems to think that politics is only about belittling the opposition and not about making the country better.
nick clegg - wha'... who? oh, him. well he can promise anything can't he, because he'll never be in power and won't have to hold true on any of them.

so it's slowly becoming evident that the world has no good candidates.
great britain? no.
USA? no.
russia? holy shit no.
china? oh lord.
africa?..... i'll get back to you.
korea, cuba, iraq, south america, afghanistan, canary wharf?.... oh dear.

"vote Obama!
in the absence of Jed Bartlett, he's the best we've got."

watch the entire debate if you like:

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

dumb & dumberer

we're fucked

clerks II

this is based on a true story

Friday, 3 October 2008

easy rider

porn you can watch with your mum. that's what we all want.

Monday, 29 September 2008

bo selecta

this chap is called bo burnham. he made me laugh twice today.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

Friday, 26 September 2008

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Wednesday, 24 September 2008


maybe with the negative responses to my range of media tramps i should seek to justify them a bit more. i guess they are on a line between satire and art, but as i'm more of visualist than a political spokesman i'll forcibly nestle them in the world of activist art.

activism has been expressed through art for a pretty long time and - good or bad - it comes from the artist's need to express a dissatisfaction with the world as it is. politics, pop culture, conformation, capitalism, colonialism and anything you care to list has probably been satirised or commented upon in some form of activist artwork, and this is all i'm doing. whether you think it's offensive or ill-informed or just plain 'bad' that's fine; but i'm regularly and consistently angered by the way that certain roots of the media choose to celebrate and reward mediocrity. for some reason the likes of paris hilton and jordan - who don't appear to contribute anything positive to our society - are praised, empowered and rewarded for such lack of action.

paris hilton is paid up to $100,000 to turn up to a party. a hard day's work i'm sure.

jordan promotes the idea of a bad body image in a lot of teenage girls.

amy winehouse has had more publicity through news coverage this year than anyone else, largely because of a widely advertised drug addiction. earlier this year, winehouse was voted (by teenagers) to be the best role model in the country, without any redemption. if that's not a concern, what is?

kate moss is considered a role model for children, showing them that as long as you are physically attractive you can be paid a lot of money for disgracing yourself.

simon cowell is just arrogant and doesn't get pulled up on it enough because he gave us westlife and robson & jerome. twat.

lily allen's one is just a review of her music really. you could read similar reviews in any issue of NME magazine.

the american judicial system has ruled britney spears to be a bad mother. whether she loves her kids or not, i can't find evidence to argue with them.

steve jones is famously rumoured to have slept with mariah carey and as one man to another i feel i should at the very least take the piss out of him for it.

i am genuinely frightened of the potential reality of sarah palin becoming president. this particular one was inspired by matt damon's comments last week.

these are all pretty concise, and i'd probably find great self-destructive pleasure in ranting at length about each of these people in turn. i thought it would suffice to do the pictures instead.

i suppose you could argue that these people are unfair game, have personal psychological troubles and it's not their fault that cheap-ass tabloids focus on them and put pictures of their abuse on the front page. if you were totally naive.

you should all note that i didn't have to look past the first google-results page for any of the links used in this post.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Sunday, 21 September 2008

baise moi

i've done a few of these media tramp pictures now and there are more to come. some people have taken offense to them, i just thought they were funny. offensive is funny. satire, eh? some like it hot, some don't.

i don't mean any personal offense, just having a bit of a rant about the way popular-media celebrates mediocrity. i find it offensive that this lot suck up my TV time. i pay good money for my license, you know.

that's better.

white christmas

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Friday, 19 September 2008

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Thursday, 11 September 2008

suburban rhythm

come to this and see me there!

i touch myself

in celebration of that thing we all do, i must shoot some respect all over the face of the chap who runs this website.

the (forgivable) anonymous contributor has been keeping a long term tally of all the wanks he's had in the last few years over the hot women to be found on british TV. from newsreaders to CBBC presenters, we've all thought it, and now thanks to this turkey-choker we can all admit it.

please take time to read the blog, it's a heart-breaking tale of the battles he faces between his heart, his mind, and his fist.

also check out the Wank Rank - a tally of tugging.

i found this site whilst looking for images of BBC weather-girl Laura Tobin (pictured)... mmmmmm

the kids are alright

childs play was originally released 20 years ago!

now you feel old, don't you?

to celebrate, the distribution company dressed a load of kids up as chucky and sent them out into new york to play with knives. look how sinister they are... look at them. bring back children with meat cleavers in films i say. or just give a load of meat cleavers to some children and see what happens.

Monday, 1 September 2008

non, je ne regrette rien

i got back from holiday the other day.

being home and going to work is not as good as being on holiday.

here is a gallery of photos in which you might find pictures of my pregnant sister being forced into a chilly swimming pool, my best friend looking retarded and some of our mighty Ford Tourneo... "the most uncomfortable hire-car in history" (pictured).

Saturday, 30 August 2008

alien autopsy

on saturday 30th august, a friend of my girlfriend got married. i took my camera and i think i might be starting to get quite good at using it because i took some nice photos. i'm still operating on a scatter-gun approach... "take 4 thousand photos, get 5 good ones" but it seems to be working.

the guest list at this particular wedding seemed to only consist of very beautiful people, and me. i was rather taken with the one you can see in that picture there, and can't find anything in me to not brag about the fact that she is - in fact - my girlfriend The Budd.


there is also a beijing 2008 gold medal winner in there. see if you can spot him.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

mercury rising

BMW GINA Light Visionary Model: Design
i hate BMWs.

i know they are well made cars that go for miles, but i invariably have an adverse physical reaction to them akin to that gut-wrenching feeling you get when you've forgotten to do your homework. mainly because they are inevitably driven by arseholes.

it's true. i've been conducting research in my head over the last few years, since i started riding a motorbike actually. about 70% of the time i've seen some idiot driving badly it's been a BMW.
and when i see a BMW, about 50% of the time, they do something idiotic.

and they look so smug all the time.

however, i just discovered this video and i must say, the emotional response to it was rather different. instead of the normal adrenalin rush of fear for my life and the lives of those innocent parties around, i got one of immense excitement and arousal. watch this and tell me you don't feel it too.

my favourite is the bonnet. hummana-hummana.


Monday, 18 August 2008

the west wing

fingers crossed everyone

Wednesday, 13 August 2008


this made me laugh. these guys are the equivalent of chavs in this country so a great deal of pleasure is to be had by watching this all the way through.

don't do guns, kids.

pretty woman

not quite as sexy as beach volleyballcurrently i'm watching the ladies weightlifting.

there are two kinds of weightlifting:

the snatch
where you lift it above your head before straightening your legs.

the clean & jerk
where you lift it to your chest before lifting it above your head.

they both have equally amusing names.


beijing is hotin my current job where i don't really do anything except watch telly, i've been spending a lot of time with the beijing olympics.

my favourite moment so far happened about 20 minutes ago when georgia fought back from inevitable defeat at the beach volleyball against the russians.

yep, that's a strange old situation. i can't help wondering what was going through the girls heads while they were playing. it must've been impossible to not be thinking on some level about the slaughter happening back home. yikes. they say politics shouldn't come into the olympics.... and i'm well aware that beach volleyball is on quite a different level to military invasion, but still, i'm pretty glad georgia won.

on a side note, being able to watch beach volleyball at work is frikken awesome.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

the thrill

this is my friend louise. her music is awesome. you should watch this music video as it is really rather good.
and then go to her website:

the fly

i don't normally do such things as copy and paste the news, but this story made me laugh. martin brundle, you legend:

ITV has escaped punishment after the word "pikey" - a slang term for gypsy - was used in a sports broadcast in June.

Host Martin Brundle was interviewing Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone before the Canadian Grand Prix, where part of the track had crumbled.

"There are some pikeys there at turn 10 putting tarmac down - what do you think of that," he asked.

Media regulator Ofcom said it would take no action after ITV apologised and addressed the issue with its presenter.

The broadcaster argued that "pikey" was now used more widely but conceded that it still remains a derogatory term.

It added that Brundle was unaware of the potential racial or ethnic connotations and so had not meant to cause any offence towards the travelling communities.

After the show ITV received 22 complaints from viewers over the remark while Ofcom received 14.

Brundle was a Formula One driver throughout the 1980s and 1990s and has won awards for his work as a commentator for ITV.

He is known for his "walk-and-talk" technique, where he prowls around the starting grid before races to interview drivers and celebrity spectators.

read story here

chariots of fire

try as a i might, i can't find an attractive lady on the GBR olympic team.

maybe we'll win a medal for that.

although china will do quite well.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008


right now there are probably a few high level executives in the oil industry watching burn up, BBC2's new so called "eco-drama" about corruption and denial and apathy and greed.

where we are right now in the story is following the slow realisation of the central character, that perhaps stuff that is bad for the environment is actually bad. now, i'm a cynical bastard at the best of times so my feeling is that those high level executives are probably smirking to themselves about how weak a business man he is, and are pretty un-accepting of the fact that oil might not be the best thing for their kids.

they do make a valid point in the show, though; that we don't know for sure that oil is the main contributer to global warming. science hasn't proved it... fair enough.

but we do know for a fact that some sort of a change is happening. it might just be the natural cycle of the earth, so while there's a possibility that its not man made we might as well enjoy ourselves and burn lots of oil.

i guess.

i guess, is what they are thinking.

now, unfortunately there seems to be a lot of pussy-footing around with no real evidence of action. governments and corporations are being very polite to each other; most notably around the american government who, let's face it, are basically skipping along hand-in-hand with big fat oil producers. it's like tweedle-dee & tweedle-dumb. i had high hopes for gordon brown, but he's basically spent the last 12 months rolling out disappointment after disappointment. i'm not talking about the increasing price of filling up my car fuel tank - i don't care about the rise in the oil price as far as the consumer side of things is concerned. in the world where every cloud has a silver lining, perhaps it has cut down the amount of petrol people have bought recently. and made them think twice about buying a brand new porsche cayenne. (i recently got rid of my 4x4 as the guilt was becoming too soul-destroying.)

what i am talking about is that apparently he had some good attitudes towards environmental change before he came into his version of power, but i haven't seen any evidence over the weekly apologies, repeats of unemployment figures and back peddling. still, at least we're not being run by the tories... yet. shit, that's a depressing thought.

i went off the subject there, what i was going to say is that there is too much politeness & diplomacy where there should be raised voices & honesty. what words should be being said by those with access to the people in question are:

to the american government and the shareholders of shell, bp and esso and all the others -
you are cunts and nobody likes you. stop killing people so you can have bigger portfolios. it's just numbers on paper.

to the governments of all the other countries in the world, specifically the british -
stop being so wet. we, like you i'm sure, are aware that the world has run out of real leaders and we have to deal with the timid, politically correct wimps that now sit round the table at G8. but come on, buck your ideas up and start earning yourself a morsel of respect from the the folks in your country. you never know, you might even prove yourselves worthy of sitting in that seat.

of course, climate change champions might be completely wrong and either there is no such thing as global warming (*nonchalantly shrugs shoulders to the population of southern bangladesh*), or there is global warming, it's caused by the natural cycle of the earth and we can't do anything about it.

i dunno, we might end up with a booming alternative fuels industry though. and cooler, quieter, less polluted streets for the 100 years we've got left on the planet.
and greener golf courses,
and better quality steak,
and maybachs that run completely silently....

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

planet of the apes

mila kunis is an apeoccasionally i like to point you towards things that might make you laugh.

try this.

Friday, 20 June 2008

Thursday, 19 June 2008

hard target

jean claude van damme: he's in the same league as dolph lungren and steven segal. despite desperately wanting to, i can't lump arnie in that group because he had the good sense to get out of the movie business. he now runs california which is equally as ridiculous, but that's another story.

jcvd, though.... has made an interesting choice. um. yeah, interesting. and i'm quietly applauding and immensely fascinated. i can't wait to see this:


Thursday, 5 June 2008

money for nothing

my entries are sparse (on this blog)

my time is filled (with other stuff)

there are four things that are currently fulfilling my life. they are good, and they look like this:

hot biscuit
ladybudd: my gorgeous goirl-freund.

working just hard enough
my job: that is way better than the last one.

comfy as a box of buns
my new car: that works with magic and has so many gadgets it hurts.

the best of fun with the best of people
the odd cast: a damn fine hobby with damn fine people.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

the lion king

i have a wide and varied music taste. it is something i'm immensely proud of; that i can give adequate time to, and often thoroughly enjoy any type of music (that isn't house or misogynist hip-hop). i even let kanye west into my life for a moment until i saw for myself that he was utter pap.

tonight's gig was pretty far out there in terms of experiencing variety.... yup. it's difficult to explain the animal collective and very difficult to explain who they are and what they do. only that there are only two people i know who've ever heard of them. one is myself, and the other is my old boss and good buddy 'ass' who introduced them to me. they became an invaluable tool in getting through daily life at our old job, where the only way to deal with the irregularities and dystopia of that crazy workplace, was to go back and load the office p.a. system with something even more random and uncontrollable.

step in the animal collective (amongst others*).

for a long time, since i first heard about rave music actually, i've wondered where music was heading. where it would be in 10, 50, 1000 years. in the last hundred it's changed and evolved at a ridiculous pace into uncountable streams almost indecipherable and unrelated to its roots. back in those days i listened to nothing but metal and thought the likes of The Prodigy and The Shamen were bouts of mindless noise akin to mental illness, symptomatic of broken homes and shock treatment. i did know that there were people who found ways to appreciate wider music than me at that time; people who could somehow enjoy meatloaf, biohazard, barry manilow AND 2unlimited. equally.

don't worry i've killed him now.

before i'd reached this audio maturity i did have an inkling that somewhere in the distant future someone would find a way to combine musical genres. someone out there would be able to see a link between hardcore, repetitive dance-centric beats and lyrical, oppressed, melodic flows. my suspicion is that eventually it will all lead to a hundred people sitting in a room listening to 1k tone, but for now i'm very happy to enjoy the animal collective and anything within that genre. if someone could tell me what that genre is, i'd be most grateful.

electronic hardcore punk-rave?
binary soul?
intellectual death drum n' bass metal? idea. but i like it and the gig this evening at koko, camden was an sensual experience in the literal sense of the word; encompassing confusion, pain, wonder and watery eyes. me like.

* also look up:
and steve reich's train album

Friday, 2 May 2008

annie, let's not wait

unfortunately i have no control over public transport. 

sometimes it doesn't matter, i'm just meandering aimlessly or i'm only going to be late for work by 5 minutes. i can deal with that. but there are other occasions, like today, where it doesn't matter what i do and how quickly i get things done; i can hurry home, get changed in a flash, tidy up in a haste enviable by billy whizz. i could get everything together and ready at a speed you've never seen before but 8.15 just will not arrive any quicker than the laws of time will allow.

stupid laws.

Friday, 25 April 2008


everyone has their own heroes. and they should. in the sentiment of self-development; and immediately after, the development of the human species we should all have an aspiration to be better. personal heroes are a template; not to be worshiped like some earth-bound deity, but an example of a pattern to knit your life and your theology and your ethics to.

my esteemed friend the troubadour has chosen Doctor Who, and to be honest i can't think of a better choice; certainly for him. he would acceptably maintain that Doctor Who chose him. it makes sense, you can't choose who suddenly makes a profound impact on your life, especially not when it's a fictional character penned by the hands of a skillful writer. there's no development there, just BAM! and suddenly it's a new feature of your life. i guess it's the same with those chaps that end up with sports-people as their aspirational being - one spectacular performance and the immediate accolade is impossible to ignore.

i can't understand the sports thing entirely, though. lest not footballers who generally appear to be amazing at kicking a round thing between two sticks, but often brain-dead and rapists. they're good looking, oh yes, but to aspire to be good-looking when you're not good-looking is a pretty pointless and wasteful use of energy.

i have two heroes outside my dad and a few of my close friends, who create feelings more akin to an ultimate respect than the idea of an abstract heroic entity. in this conversation i'm calling a hero a distant figure, admired from afar. and there's a huge list of very adequate people to choose from in the worlds of science, religion, human advancements, literature... fiction and real. worthy contenders feature martin luther king, einstein, beethoven, superman, michael gambon, the suffrogettes, neil armstrong, king arthur. none without their faults, but a decent selection of life aims and objectives could be filtered from such a list.

i have two. and they may lack the grandeur of a world leader like j.f.k, or the historic significance of someone like mahatma ghandi, but i suppose that echoes true with the reality of myself. my intention was just to write about one, but it looks like i've waffled out a bunch of unnecessary exposition, how very like me. if by some chance i may lose any of the regular readers that my deluded mind convinces me exist, may i take this moment to thank you for letting me dribble my nonsense into your consciousness. i won’t be in any way offended if you leave now, with only a peripheral sight as to how long this entry is turning out to be.

my heroes.

the first is ewan mcgregor. i shouldn't have to formally write many reasons why, it’s far too obvious - the man's successful, talented, has a respectable list of brilliant films and theatrical productions to be proud of. then of course there's the immense human achievement of riding around the world on a motorbike. for charity. and to top it all off, the man is beautiful. i mean, seriously. it takes a lot for a definitively hetero chap like myself to entertain the idea, but... i would. for mcgregor.

but he’s not quite at the top of my list. yes, he’s a man of integrity and talent, and has french-kissed scarlett johansson... but i have a favourite. someone who sums up all the elements, attributes, achievements and life stories that i can only ever dream of catching a glimpse of. that man is john ravenscroft, better known as radio one d.j. john peel. if you ask me, he’s one of a rare few true jewels in the british crown (not that i’m in any way patriotic) joining a list that should include shakespeare, richard noble, monty python, robin hood and steven fry. a quietly unassuming character that could literally be held responsible for a change in the zeitgeist of british popular culture, although arguably unsung comparatively to the impact he had. one of the many reasons for my unending respect.

unlike the troubadour and the doctor, i don’t have a definitive and vivid recollection of my first conscious engagement with peel. sadly too, it is far too late in my life to have built my youth around him in the same way that the doctor has influenced troub’. my initial experience was most likely not even john peel himself but a track he played at around midnight as i drove home from my university years job at the ugc cinema in northampton. terribly, i don’t even remember what track it was that caught my attention as i searched for radio enjoyment in the dull greys of that horrible midland town, i suspect and hope that it was some sort of odd bluegrass number or a poorly produced punk track made in someone’s lounge. both are equally likely from john’s eclectic, eccentric playlist. whatever, it caught me off guard and aroused enough interest to keep me listening to an otherwise unbearable radio station. and it suited the atmosphere of the stillness of the night, the flickering street lamps and the pile of scrap metal i was driving around at the time.

as i say, i can’t remember particular details. i do remember being intrigued by the existence of such an oddity amongst the other d.j’s i’d heard that mostly put me off listening to radio at all. i do remember hearing captain beefheart for the first time on one of those drives home. my appalling memory only allows me a blurry idea of a weirdly varied selection of music and the drawling, strangely hypnotic delivery of an unending list of life stories that while not always life-changing, were always true, honest and erudite. i say not always life-changing, but subsequent interest has informed me that he was arguably instrumental in the careers of some of the most important bands in british popular culture: the sex pistols, the undertones, pulp, t-rex... actually i’m not going to list them, suffice to say that you have all heard of them and they could each be held partly responsible for much of the music you hear today, for the clothes you see on the street and for the attitudes of yourself and the sub-cultures around you... the rolling stones. ahem.

in short, in my opinion, if you have listened to any music and it has had any effect on you in the last 30 years then you have most probably been affected in some indirect way by peel. my love of the man doesn’t end there. anyone could play such an eccentric playlist, if they had the gall (sadly not very evident in todays media pandering to the mediocre tastes of the license paying majority), but there was a dedication that went with it that’s even harder to find. oh shit, i can see this going on for a long time... i’ve lost the brevity of my intentional blog entry. actually that disappeared after i wrote that thing about king arthur. it’s hard to stop once you’ve opened such a sluice of sickly gushing. for some reason it’s strangely satisfying to write, if not read over.

i just liked the guy. there was an honesty, an integrity to him. he quietly changed the course of popular culture without any desperate need for acceptance or praise. he loved his family. he was funny, intelligent, witty, eccentric and interesting. did you know he met J.F.K? no, i bet you didn’t. he worked hard at what he believed in, never let himself be compromised by external pressures, hated tony blackburn. it is basically a list of features that i had tried to have before finding peel, but a list that became suddenly credible and obtainable post-JP.

the best decision the bbc could make would be to resurrect all the recordings they have of him and play them in the same old slot, in chronological order, as they were first broadcast. i would listen intently, lapping up every track and word and mistake like a teenaged girl at a new kids on the block concert.

god i hate fanboys.