best men

if i haven't written anything for a while, click here and you can read some of my better crap.

or here, and read about how lame my job is.

just another service i like to provide.

breathe

shit, what order do you do CPR in again?

kick-ass

this show is tomorrow and i am in it, innit.

i love the spring. it is the season of sunshine and romance and wing-nuts and fresh cherries and friendly maggots and savagery.

do you know what, though? it just wouldn't be complete if we didn't do a massive collaboration with the King & Queen of london impro: Hoopla!

thank goodness this poster came along.
yes, it's pink,
but it's more than that - it's a call to order, it's a fanfare, it's the knowledge that you are a ferrari's gear-change away from the night of your life.
yeah, it'll be like a rock-badger playing Van Halen records:- you wouldn't want to miss it or you'll feel bad about your life and the direction you're going.

just like a rock-badger.

The Ministry and Hoopla! unite for the first time ever. hear us roar.

*****starring*****

Nicola "teenage wasteland" Kidner
Jinni "credible threat" Lyons
Edgar "lips don't lie" Fernando
Jonathan "flabby piracy" Monkhouse

all masterfully and continuously directed by:
Stephen "squeezy squeegy" Roe

***** ***** *****
Date:
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Time:
20:00 - 22:00
Location:
Upstairs at The Black Horse, 6 Rathbone Place, London, W1T 1HH

***** ***** *****

i literally can't wait. i just had a baby from the excitement.


Generated by MapGenerator.co.uk

rocky

heh heh, nicely done:

the jockey club

a country/folk/victoriana album about a long dead silent movie star? that sounds like the sort of thing i'd like.

casino royale

after speculation that this guy was Ben Folds, ben folds himself started putting chatroulette into his shows. my favourite recording artist doing impro and taking the piss out of internet weirdos? ja bitte.


i tried chat roulette once. my experience can be summed up in one picture:

brassed off

i would fully expect to discover that everything girls aloud had ever recorded had been put through an Auto-tune, or something similar. their empty expressionless eyes and blank faces don't sing to me that they have too much awareness about the world, and therefore i find it impossible that they would even notice if they were out of tune. they remind me of dustin hoffman playing rain man.

cheryl cole's speaking voice is pretty damn aggravating too, perhaps they should try the Auto-tune on her voice.

(don't let gordon brown's singing influence your vote on thursday.)

commando

geeky fun with shutter speeds:

the hurt locker

about a year ago or something, some friends of mine organised a short film competition for charity. i just rediscovered the films, so here is my favourite, which is a massively effecting and genuinely brilliant film.


your heart will be in your mouth after that (if you have any degree of humanity), so here's a much more crowd-pleasing entry:

blue velvet

i live in a 'swing state' area. some people say whoever wins the seat in tooting will win the general election.
i've yet to be in when any lib-dem or labour party campaigners have called round, but i've had my doorbell knocked by a few separate conservatives. each time a similar thing happens.
i answer the door. "martin black?" they ask. they are either an old lady with a plum in her mouth or a young banker-looking boy with a proud blue tie and an inability to grow facial hair.
"nope, he doesn't live here," i reply with more than an element of truth. we then go through a complicated system of crossing martin's name of the list and writing mine. every time.

"did you know tooting is predominantly a conservative area?" they ask.
"no it isn't," i say, "sadiq khan is the MP and it's been a labour area since it's inception in 1974."
"oh... could i interest you in a postal vote?"
"no thanks, i'll go to the polling station." i wonder what other magical things they can offer as the main contender for the throne.

blah blah blah, nonsense about the tories will clear up litter and keep the council tax as low as the Labour party have done for 35 years.

"so who do you think you'll vote for?" they look at me with a disinterest i imagine the lower classes normally get.
"not the tory party." it's the one decision i made at the outset.
"okay, bye." and they walk off.

what? no fight? no attempt at trying to sway me or question my reasons? no evidence of a back-bone?

bye then.

this morning one of my housemates received david cameron's contract (seen here writing it himself) in the post. the only housemate that had already stated she was voting tory got it. so presumably most of the 3.5 million copies that have been sent out are just preaching to the already converted. 2 million first class stamps would be more than £50 million. for no reason. yikes. i hope they cleared it with george osborne.

david cameron's team of writers begin with this statement, interestingly criticising the politicians who were at the centre of the expenses scandal and those who remain out-of-touch with the people of the country (which sounds like a description of the tory party to me).

... to apologise?

DC's writers then set out to fit the word 'change' as many times as they can into one document, in a carefully written PR bollock that seems to mainly have been copied from the greatest hits of barack obama (i advise you to click that link. it features one of the most embarrassing political videos of all time).

the contract is then filled with a load of generic statements about the good things the tory party will do. so that's nice. it's pretty much the same list of tasks that any of the parties would send out if they felt they needed to state them in short, simple sentences for the likes of short, simple people like me.

his writers then state that at the next election we can decide not to vote for them. thanks dave, i didn't realise that.

"Dwil Caan"?

the main problem i have with politicians, all politicians, is that parliament seems to be much more about a pissing contest than finding new ways to make the country work better. high level MPs, who should be working together to build the economy, make jobs, cut crime, decrease world poverty, rescue the environment, provide adequate health services, y'know, generally improve the lives of everyone in the world... instead of doing that they automatically take an opposing stance on any policy - regardless of it's merits - and waste their breath on cheap personal insults.

cameron recently joked that tony blair's sun-tan returning to the political stage would do wonders for sales of Tango. jokes that aren't funny are totally worth the time.

labour MP david wright tweeted about the tories: "you can put lipstick on a scum-sucking pig, but it's still a scum-sucking pig." ... constructive.

...and so many more. at least insults don't have a carbon footprint. unlike 3.5 million copies of a pointless document.

thankfully david cameron's writers sign off the whole thing with a message of pride about negative campaigning:

although it didn't seem to consider this:

or that they must've spent a fair amount of money making sure that if you type "labour" into google you get this:

and no prizes for guessing which spin doctors came up with the idea for this article in a fiercely conservative supporting national paper:

it's not obvious who you should vote for. none of them are great. i'm a pretty good judge of character most of the time though, and the robotic david cameron just seems to inspire mistrust in every cell of my body. a bit like my new mistrust for anyone who lives in dagenham.

due south

what's that? another show what i am in?

book the date. see you in cornwall.