Thursday, 30 April 2009

the patriot

to all my american readers. all of you... hank. ... you've probably already joined twitter. if you're a far more common englishman (my sister and S.L.R.) you probably haven't, remaining happy with facebook. that's probably better, twitter is essentially an ego massage where-from you subject your readers to mind-numbingly dull snap shots of your life.

speaking of 'mind-numbing', if you do decide to follow a twit or two, make sure you include tim westwood. he is frankly a joy to beheld, springing upon us such twitting wisdom as:


... and again, for my yank audience, who may have seen the pink panther, ali g or borat... nope. this is not another hilarious parody character created by a talented british comedian. this guy is for real.

for re-al.

i know. it's like the queen doing an impression of dizzie rascal.

i am on twitter. but then i am a self-absorbed goit.

planet terror

who would've thought that after being so so very disappointed with death proof (the other half of this b-movie experiment) that i would actually end up loving planet terror? but i did. for every fault and badly conceived idea in death proof, this film succeeds. art direction, pseudo film stock effects and parody of the 70's grindhouse movie style are presented in a much more accomplished way.

not the best film of all time, but rescues the grindhouse project from being remembered as utter crap.


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

my favourite mistake

oh no.

it's begun. i could be wrong, but i might have accidentally started the process of building myself a fixie. bugger it... i'm a hipster asshole.
i accidentally went on eBay and bought the pictured bike. op-a!

it doesn't look much, and truth be told... it isn't. i've mainly got it for parts, and today i've salvaged a decent set of handlebars, brake calipers, a nearly new botrager race lite tyre and toe-clips.

not bad for £16.

and they all shine up nice.

currently i'm bidding for a frame. and i've found a lovely one. yum yum. i'm not telling you what it is though, you'll go off and try and outbid me and then where would i be?

american psycho

this is a fantastic interpretation of a brilliant book. it takes easton ellis's original idea and really plays with it while remaining true to it's ideas. christian bale is - as always - absolutely superb with a very focused and studied performance. this straddles the line between movie/film and can really be watched on a lot of different levels.

horrific, hilarious, true.

absolutely perfect direction throughout from mary harron.


Tuesday, 28 April 2009

aqua team hunger force colon movie film for theatres

i have no recollection of the last 1hr 27mins of my life.

Monday, 27 April 2009

he was a quiet man

disappointment after disappointment... but purposefully so. repeatedly it continues to raise your expectations only to destroy your hopes and dreams, over and over again.

and done brilliantly.


about schmidt

jack nicholson is excellent in this neurotic, nihilistic film that is one part touching to two parts depressing, but wonderfully humourous all the way through.

i apologise for using the word "wonderfully".


Sunday, 26 April 2009

straw dogs

what idiots believe this mess?

what the hell is "lash impact" and how do you measure it to a point where you can promise 12x (1200 per cent) more?

i decided to investigate.

my first stop was the l'oreal website, where the most relevant module seemed to be "the magic of research." it was here that i learned three thousand l'oreal scientists conduct tests using a 'safety robot.'

i was also pretty interested in a module about hair science:


moving on.
i really need to know about lash impact and how you measure it.
a google search took me to the website of a company called 'rimmel' which apparently isn't a thing you do with a drunk girlfriend and some cling-film.
instead, it's a place where you can get 'the london look' which i can only assume is making your face look like oxford street.

rimmel have a device which not only gives you more lash impact, but has a breakthrough zero clump applicator! after breathing a sigh of relief i searched for more, but found that someone called ivy felt the need to write on the rimmel web-community wall, and only gave it 2 out of 4 stars. i deduced that the rimmel website is not to be trusted.

someone who can be trusted is jesus. and a quick mulling over of my whole dilemma brought the realisation that no-one could know more about lash impact than the son of god. i mean, have you seen that scene in the passion of the christ?

i counted 3 lash impacts in the trailer alone:

but jesus existed before science, and as yet no journal has been found about his discoveries. only 40 lashes are even mentioned so it's unlikely to have provided any definitive or convincing results anyway.

a chap called max factor came to the rescue with the first scientific sounding piece of information so far,
"New False Lash Effect Mascara doubles your lash size... [defined as] thickness volume, appearance vs bare lashes.
The result is 100% impact. 100% you."

at last, we've started finding quantifiable figures. i was confused that i could somehow ever be less than 100% me, but that's another experiment for another lonely day.

max factor's own ultimate measurement is lipfinity although it is more to do with your mouth. however the whole range allows you to "unleash your lash potential." this takes us into a whole new area as - remembering snippets of semi-useful information from my failed physics a-level - potential energy, once unleashed, usually becomes kinetic energy. now we're in the arena of energy changes and of measurable impacts, and we can begin to work out size increases from known widths/lengths of eyelashes.

it feels like we're making progress, doesn't it?

an eyelash is somewhere in the region of 18-80 micrometres, although that can be increased by using sovages eyelash maximizer (pictured) which coats your lash in a sort of waterproof organic syrup that dries into a microscopic cement. it is also marketed as unbreakable which is a relief, judging by how tough a life my eyelashes have. keep them rugged, that's the answer. is a site where you can find a wealth of useful and accurate information...

i was surprised at the weight of something so small, but science is full of surprises.

my final resource, a company that i thought could help me make sense of these measurements and their impact forces on the human body. an organisation that i thought would provide actual scientific help was a company who take great care to measure impacts, and the results of them. the european new car assessment programme...

...who throw things at walls and see just how different factors affect the impact. most of the data is gathered from crash test dummies though, and their internal accelerometers aren't geared up to tell us about the fluctuating effects of mascara. the one website i thought would tell us the most, has failed. suddenly all the good work we've done has come to nothing and we're back to relying singularly on the information we can collect from the advert itself. this is quite difficult as when eva longoria is on screen i find it difficult to think about anything other than what she would look like on all fours.

while i was doing that i asked my girlfriend to take an in-depth look at the advert. while i was wiping up, she mentioned the small-print which - as we all know - is there to prevent court cases. small print means that companies can get you to buy anything and when it doesn't work they can say "look at the small print" and the small print says may not work.

i should've looked there first admittedly, but as i mentioned: i was thinking about cats. if i had been watching harder & faster i would have noticed this:
and then i could've easily worked out out all i needed: 79% agree, tested on 60 women. simple, brilliant.
all you need to do is get a majority of tested people to agree with your nonsense idea and you can claim it as sacrosanct. a bit like how british politics works.

i would hope that the whole test would be an elaborate day of experimenting, with l'oreal demonstrating different mascaras, experimentees having to place their feelings of personal impact on a sliding scale, re-tests, control examples, comparisons under different weather conditions and more.
i would expect they just got the women in a locked room said "look! lashes with our mascara on are 1200 percent more impact-ey," and asked them if they agreed. the majority of them said yes, so they could put it in the ad.

79% actually.

79% of 60 women.


47.4 women.



maybe one of them was the star of this high-brow publication: =>

...which seems to be a good place to stop, you'll be pleased to know.
next week i'll be looking at this and investigating levels of prismatic hair.

the three burials of melquiades estrada

very occasionally i watch film that i can't quite tell if i like it or not. this is one of them, and whether i watched it in the wrong mood or was too drunk to care i don't know... it's not a bad film, i don't think it's spectacularly good either. it looks nice and is well acted, but did it go anywhere or say anything? hmmm, not sure.


Saturday, 25 April 2009

scream 2

of course, what the marketing agencies won't tell you is that lady gaga's music is absolutely terrible...

you can, of course, rack up the points in a game of 'spot the hipster' by watching the video all the way through. you might want to leave the sound turned down though.
or play this instead.

28 weeks later

in 28 days later, danny boyle created a world that felt broad, horrifying and a believable image of what our country would be like if such a situation were ever to occur. sadly the same cannot be said for 'weeks,' this just felt like another american zombie action movie, the same old dilemmas and the same old reactions. gone were boyle's stark images of a bleak and empty london, replaced by a vietcong version of canary wharf filled with american humvees and muscled heroes.

sorry, just not as good as it should have been. the curse of the sequel lives on...


Friday, 24 April 2009


we live in a time where people are becoming less and less afraid of experimenting with film-making and this is a prime example of it. it is also an excellent monster disaster movie; original and well presented, while almost maintaining an independent feel to it. almost... if it weren't for the big budget look sfx and the ridiculously attractive cast that is. nonetheless, it had me on tender-hooks, remained unpredictable and left enough to the imagination to be genuinely scary.


Thursday, 23 April 2009

mama mia

as i've recently put up some bad adverts, enjoy this. holy fuck it's bad.

i guess with the credit crunch they decided to save money by using tom from accounts brother's van and some of the retards from the special school down the road*, instead of a valid advertising agency.

* those kids work for free, as long as you smell like milky way bars.


the certain un-named bank i work on the premises of are getting a bit over excited at the prospect of contactless payment today. 'ooh, it's the future!' they cry. literally creaming their pants with self-satisfied glee at the very idea of this wondrous new creation.
oh, to know the joy of finding a solution to something that isn't a problem... what it must be. to finally be able to say "this great thing that humans have happily used since the dawn of time, i found the cure! woo-pah!"

it's like that advert for boil-in-a-bag clean shelves for your oven...

...because apparently men are far too stupid to rub a cloth over some metal sticks. i mean, we did invent electricity and penicillin and tea-bagging and the internal combustion engine and pot noodles and snooker... but apparently shining up some kitchen work is out of our capacity.

it's a woman's work anyway.

speaking of pointless products, what possibly led BMW to develop the off-road roadster (or "sports activity vehicle" as the website tells us)?

yes, BMW, what the road needs is another unnecessarily sized engine sports car. oh and if you could, could you please give it all the sensibilities of a 4x4, because the air we breathe is crying out for more of them?... tasty tasty fumes. mmm.

oh, and speaking of fumes you can eat:
i may be just posting this video for the 1st girl, but as i'm talking about market-led cures for problems invented by the marketing team themselves:

as we all know, lynx deodorant is for chav-scum and teenage boys who don't shower - to hide the smell of their stale wank-pit back home. both of them put enough spray on before they even leave the house that your brain fizzes when they fake-limp past. certainly, they don't ever need to "top-up" their stink at any point during the day. unless they've seen a BMW advert while out and soiled themselves.

now, i've got to go. i have to count up 30 pence to pay for a copy of The Sun. i can't believe how long it takes to work out the bizarre symbols on these shiny things in my pocket, if only someone could find a quicker way...


awwww, what a brilliantly simplistic story. very funny indeed, excellent understated performances from a strong cast. lots of laugh out loud moments.

just... very enjoyable i suppose. the 'girl loves geek' bit has been done many a time, but michael cera is a constant joy to watch despite only ever playing the same character. i did like the emerging feelings between juno and the adopting father. that was a pretty interesting study. fantastic soundtrack featuring the sublime belle & sebastian. well done all. can't knock it really.


Wednesday, 22 April 2009

a life less ordinary

i love this movie, and i don't care what anyone says; it is one of cameron diaz, ewan mcgregor and holly hunter's best.


Tuesday, 21 April 2009

alien vs. predator 2: requiem

there is nothing good about this film. literally nothing. ridley scott must be retching at the mere thought that this film exists. i certainly am.


Monday, 20 April 2009

the man who knew too little

you may have noticed a moderate blog-drought over the last week or so. I've had a short holiday, but i'm back at work now so i have acres of time to sit auf mein ass and type out my dirty nonsense for your displeasure.

i've got a tarty new phone, so i'll be attempting to blog from it. we'll see how that goes.

i probably have much to tell and/or moan about, but currently i'm enjoying sitting on my middle finger so i'll write with less brevity at a later date. as something resembling a teaser i'll just say that you can expect more of the same old meaningless jibs and arrogant whining very soon. with a fair few grammatical errors to be sure. plus! - i've had an actual conversation with an actual fixie rider, and found him to be a rather pleasant fellow.

for now though, whatever.
back to stinky.

jersey girl

for some reason this movie got a lot of negativity thrown at it. i have no idea why... this is a beautifully made and honest movie with a soundtrack that had me blubbing like a child with a skinned knee. kevin smith may not be the best cinematographer in the business, but all of his work is filled with a heart and a soul and a genuine love of making movies. jersey girl is funny, heartwarming and not even the casting of j-lo is enough to mar the quality of the story. jersey girl nay-sayers... why don't you just go out and rent 'white chicks' or something?


Sunday, 19 April 2009

american gangster

i seem to be having a run of good films lately, and this is no exception. absolutely class act gangster film with phenomenal attention to detail, utterly compelling from start to finish... this is film making of the finest quality.

brilliant everything, but i must make special mention of chiwetel ejiofor who stands out in this movie, even with a relatively small part. that is an actor who will win some fine awards. i'll put money on it.

american psycho, american werewolf in london, american history x, american beauty, american graffiti.. all genius. and now... american gangster.


Saturday, 18 April 2009

sweeney todd: the demon barber of fleet street

long i have maintained that you could freeze a tim burton film at any frame and the consequent picture will tell a thousand stories. sweeney todd is no different, and a welcome return to burton's shadowy still that i so sorely missed with the chocolate factory flick. visually stunning from beginning to end, depp's sweeney is energetic and tortured. everyone brilliant. i couldn't help thinking it would've benefited from ignoring the fact it was based on a musical and cutting all the songs. i like the fact bonham-carter called sweeney "mr. T" all the way through. I PITY THE FOOL WHO LOCKS UP MA DAUGHTER, I PITY THE FOOL.


Friday, 17 April 2009

no country for old men

it takes a great and rare skill to make a compelling and gripping film that holds you for so long, without paying attention to any of the 'rules' of film-making. the coen brothers are masters of this, and 'no country..' is no different. fine performances for all the cast and a genuinely unpredictable turn of events. amazing to see a two hour movie with no score or soundtrack whatsoever. but still works. excellent.


Thursday, 16 April 2009

charlie wilson's war

woah, i found this film hard to watch. i could probably write a theses on why. the world has changed a lot in 30 years, and watching this film makes it hard to decide whether it is for the better or worse. i think we're supposed to think of the russians as the bad guys, but the most gutwrenching scene i've ever witnessed was the montage clocking up afghan kills: 44 helicopters, 28 tanks, 30 fixed wing aircraft etc. etc. i've been to russia, and the people there are great. i had to keep reminding myself that russia 30 years ago was a completely different planet, but the people have been humanised and i couldn't feel comfortable with the celebration of killing. and i live in the 00's so i know that america's coalition has turned on it's head, they've forgotten their alliance and now their elected president bombs the middle east without prejudice. "america doesn't fight religious wars" makes for a rather chilling & memorable line in this movie.


in terms of film-making, very good. strong performances from everyone, notably hoffman who lights up the scene whenever he appears on screen. perhaps a little too slow to get started but once hoffman and hanks hook up, becomes absolutely compelling. it sometimes jumps about a bit too much and it's not as beautifully written as sorkin has previously provided, but the visuals are absorbing, the casting is excellent and direction can't really be criticised. perhaps it should've been longer, the story felt like it was missing bits.

and i'd rather not have this knot in my stomach.


Wednesday, 15 April 2009


jew-hating mel gibson bravely attempts to defy convention and creates a historical film that's all about looks and cinematography and who knows how much attention to fact?

and it works.

totally gripping and enveloping (well assisted by watching it on blu-ray disc on a brand spanking new 50" 1080p sony bravia telly).


Tuesday, 14 April 2009


a lot of stick was thrown for this movie; but the special effects and production design are fantastic, peter stormare as lucifer is inspired, rachel weisz is (as always) very good, and the whole thing is full of interesting ideas and processes. unfortunately this was one of keanu's rare good performances. sorry keanu.


in da club

it's my birthday today. bleurgh.

Monday, 13 April 2009

the village

laughingly i joked near the beginning, "they are ghosts from the past and the mysterious sounds are sports cars." preposterous the idea was. no way could it be anywhere close to the truth.




Sunday, 12 April 2009

i am legend

i thoroughly enjoyed this film. i liked the pace, i liked the way it looked, i was very surprised by how much will smith's acting has improved since he was in philadelphia born and raised. in fact this film was going great... until about 3/4s of the way through when suddenly it took a terrible and annoying nose-dive towards an ending that completely ruined the work of the first 90 minutes. i've narrowed it down to the point when the girl appears and pulls neville out of his car after he tries to kill himself with zombies. dammit, it was going so well. i'm just gonna go and read the book instead. by all accounts it was a much better ending, and the actual real story sounds better too. so close to being a great movie though, just let down by a terrible end. ooh, and a HUGE reliance on CGI when makeup & puppetry would've been far more scary.


Saturday, 11 April 2009

clerks II

much as i love the musings and hints at cock 'n ball humour that normally come from the pens and hands of the mighty kevin smith, i can't quite jump on board with this flick for some reason. it just feels like an imbalance between the dicks and farts, and the intelligent de-construction of the world that the other view askew movies have. in fact, i don't remember ANY intellectual deconstructions except for a very brief parody of the lord of the rings trilogy. smith says that this is his favourite work of his. i'm sad to say i can't agree. it's good, but we've seen much much better.


Friday, 10 April 2009

road to perdition

i usually hate gangster films, but this film featured amazing performances by tom hanks and paul newman, with jude law in his best ever role. why doesn't sam mendes do more films like this? he's very good at it.


Thursday, 9 April 2009

the golden compass

if someone said a week ago that i'd even bother going to see this film, i would've laughed wildly in their face before jumping out of a closed window. but, very surprisingly, i loved this. it looks spectacular - especially the scenes in london. this film was engaging and interesting, and i loved the whole visual aspect of the accompanying daemons in every scene. looking forward to the others in the trilogy... a really excellent kids film. hurrah!


Wednesday, 8 April 2009

black snake moan

is it well shot? yes
does it have a good soundtrack? yes
does it captivate you all the way through? yes
are the performances strong? yes (even justin timberlake)
is ricci hot? yes
does jackson say 'motherfukka' a lot? yes
is it original? yes
was it a pleasure to watch? not entirely... the same way that cronenberg's 'crash' intrigues you, and holds your voyeuristic attention and then makes you feel a bit dirty inside. it looks and sounds brilliant, in fact the only real flaw was the predictable set-up with J.T. arriving in the house. bit sloppy that.


Tuesday, 7 April 2009


the saga continues. i've either become more observant or my hipster detecting senses are becoming more honed, but i'm noticing more and more fixie-riding-dickbags when i'm out on my bike. the other reason of course, is that now the weather is improving they can go out on their mudguard-less bikes without worrying that they might spit dust/rain/hypodermics up their back and ruin their expensive messenger bag/duffle coat/stick-on tattoo.

i'm gonna stick to my hybrid for a good while longer. then i know that i won't be a fixie rider closely trailed by another rider with basic safety equipment (brakes, helmet, grasp-on-reality), who is silently wishing i would suffer the highly deserved crumpling across the bonnet of the next car i cut-up in a traffic jam.

the darjeeling limited

i just can't really fault this film. it is warm and funny and silly, with fantastic performances and brilliant soundtrack. wes anderson has a distinct and unique style that can't be copied. he plays with cameras and actively avoids generic or taboo shooting, creating exciting and rich visuals reminscent of tarantino... but good. this film is a complete feast.

and it has natalie portman in it all nude and stuff. mmmmmm.


Monday, 6 April 2009

the postman

kevin costner tries to prove that a carbon copy of waterworld/dances with wolves/robin hood with the same hero/same plot/same haircut/same villain/same budget/same clothing... will provide the same results. what actually happened is a film that i'm slightly embarrassed even exists. so close to being a good film, it seems costner directing is route to a bad idea. i liked the other identical films, but this is just a big long list of condensed cheese and overly patriotic nonsense themed around posties being the best fighting force in america. the strangest thing about it (other than the preposterous premise of teenaged postmen taking on a highly trained army) was that even at three hours it still seemed to have missed out scenes everywhere. get someone else to direct it in future, kevin.


Sunday, 5 April 2009


i am lucky enough to have convinced a very attractive girl to be my girlfriend. hopefully she will continue to remain unaware that i am a slightly tubby moron with a penchant for moaning about stuff that doesn't need to be moaned about.

for now, she lives in bristol. this is slightly annoying as i live in london, but:
1. education has to happen,
2. i actually quite like bristol quite a lot and... well...
3. it makes this even more amusing.

i do think there are a few types of poo that were forgotten. please write in if you think i missed any:

TYPE 7 clean poo
when you do a massive one, but when you go to wipe nothing comes off on the sheet.

TYPE 8 the spectre
you feel one coming but the result is just a lengthy 'fsssshhhh' of pungent air.

TYPE 9 invisi-poo
you think you've done something of value, but there's nothing in the pan.

TYPE 10 the sweaty machine gun
comes out as a kind of high speed liquid/solid mixture, reminiscent of an old car's spluttering exhaust pipe. will usually coat the inside of the loo and is quite hard to remove.

TYPE 11 poonder
this one is, so far as i know, unique to me. it's where i go for one, but find my mind wanders and i sit there and think about stuff. a bit like insomnia but with wiping instead of sleeping.
this will happen almost 100% of the time.

smokey & the bandit II

if you were to have made this film today it would be ben affleck assisted by owen wilson, driving a computer-generated ferrari being chased by michael clarke-duncan with an army of robotic helicopters. i remember as a child, this film carving my tastes for american muscle cars and big trucks and car chases. lately i've been getting into country music as well so i think this movie has made a pretty big impact on me whether i resisted it or not. you can't beat a classic.


Saturday, 4 April 2009

i heart huckabees

i heart i heart huckabees.

anyone who tries to deconstruct the philosophy of this film and gets into the meanings of everything is just pretentious fuckwit. it's nonsensical and intelligent wit, happily poking fun at those idiots who spend hours discussing ridiculous metaphors of existence, and then boring their therapists with their aimless ideas. excellent performances from the whole cast, loved the visualisation of interconnected atoms, and even warmed to wahlberg who usually pisses me right off.


drop dead gorgeous

this 80's looking genius is miss universe 2008. lucky old us. i'm not sure what it means to be "miss universe" though. i'm assuming it gives her a high-profile position in politics, good connections in the high-art community and if she's really lucky a faith-based swimsuit calendar. she'll certainly live on in everyone's memories, like miss universe 2007 did.

although perhaps she's gained some notoriety after this little bad boy.