fuck me pumps

the building i work in is a very corporate head office with about 18 thousand staff. and when i say "very corporate" what i actually mean is "as snobbish as a royal gynecologist." i actually got an official warning once, for walking around with my shirt sleeves rolled up.
and my penis hanging out.

anyway, judging by how prissy the management is it's been quite a surprise to find that more and more of the female members of staff are being allowed to wear sexual role-play clothing to the office.

i believe the colloquial expression for them is "fuck-me pumps" and they really are showing up on the ends of some otherwise quite unassuming legs. i guess a lot of it is to do with the whole glass-ceiling nonsense, and some women deciding the best way to progress their career is by giving themselves the calves of a porn-star.

you've got to admire the honesty of the name, though. "fuck-me pumps" doesn't beat about the bush (if you'd pardon the depravity of the expression). not like the mini-skirt, balcony bra or shakti tattoos (at the base of the spine); that hide their true reason behind innocent sounding words.
maybe we should start coining some new expressions for those three. i suggest:
"potential minge-frame"
"tit-shelf"
and "spunk target"
... respectively.

but you should never do all three at once, that would be slutty. unless you're combining them with some fuck-pumps. then it's irony.

i was going to take some phone pictures of women wearing them at work, to prove their new ubiquitous-ness. it turns out that's not okay with HR. and its hard to hide an erection in a polyester suit.

in the valley of elah

really affecting story with no resolution that serves to comment on the long term impact of war. it's a well documented case that there are deep psychological scars beaten into soldiers who return from conflict, and this film well explores that which we can't understand unless we've been through it.

tommy lee's character is the most interesting part of this, a severely damaged man with a bitter and distant connection to the world around him.and he plays the grizzled, tired old man so well.

if you liked crash (by the same director) i think you'll probably like this.

7/10

the descent

really excellent, tense, claustrophobic monster-horror-b-movie. it's shot well and atmospheric throughout. the expositional section out in the open is remarkably well filmed.
cool to see an all-female cast of intelligent, strong women.. women rarely get good movie roles, and when they do they're normally wet blankets.

almost a shame when you finally see the baddies as the tense lead-up is a great ride.

8/10

a history of violence

It's not a bad film. It's just quite small. You sort of expect something a bit grander, a bit more like Eastern Promises.

Maybe 'subtle' is the word. It doesn't do anything wrong, the whole cast is really good, it's pretty gripping and unexpected... Just doesn't quite give you enough to get that excited about. All the suspense and curiosity of The Long Kiss Good Night, but all the adrenaline of the autumn harvest.

6/10

the inside man

i think spike lee is a good (not great) director who makes a lot of bad choices. once you get past the constant 'subtle' race-war jibes in this movie you get a pretty good heist film with another cunning heist ending.
wasn't really sure/bothered about the whole jodie foster bit.
worth a watch, but don't expect to be wowed.

6/10

the wrestler

grit grit and more grit. a really heartbreaking, soul destroying glimpse of the last bit of life as a man slowly disintegrates, a downtrodden spectre of his former self.
lots of people have drawn a synchronicity to Randy The Ram and mickey rourke. i don't really know much about mickey rourke's story, but Randy's final speech to his cheering fans was disturbingly real.
absolutely tragic and plays with your emotions like a cat plays with a mentally ill mouse.

8/10

little children

I couldn't decide for a good while whether I was watching a work of genius on on the same level as Donnie Darko, or just a really really long episode of Desperate Housewives.

In the end I liked it's oddness: I liked the unexplained narrator, the unfinished stories, the unresolved nature of the whole thing.
The clown hat?

It's a tough old watch sometimes, a real slow burner but you feel inexplicably rewarded at the end. A small reward, but a reward nonetheless.

And if you're into playing 'co-stars' a really good route out of Watchmen and into a Kate Winslet mainstream, with Rorschach and Nite Owl reunited in a particularly unexpected way.

6/10

life is sweet

Perhaps the most annoying family ever committed to film. So bloody irritating you want to go and set fire to the north of england on the off chance that they might not be alone.
It walks a fine line between being an expert observation of real people, and creating a set of characatures so grotesque that you want to tear your own face off.

Aside from a dubious character study nothing much can be said about Life Is Sweet. Because nothing happens. Its more like an episode somewhere half-way through a series like Gavin & Stacey or The Royle Family, when there are no real story lines but you still need to make up the contracted number of episodes.

4/10

the terminal

i defy anyone who attempts to deny that Tom Hanks is anything less than warm, cuddly, a great great actor, and so full of charm he could make a pot of gold appear from a puddle of his own urine. except for a couple of epic fails with Meg Ryan, he hardly ever puts out a bad film; and this is ever more enhanced when you add Steven Spielberg into the mix.

the terminal is a great little movie, actually. totally led by Hanks' charming demeanour, it tells a simple but captivating story about a guy trapped between countries in a time of political turmoil. it's all improved by the fact that it's loosely based on the true story of an iranian dude who ended up living in a paris airport for 18 years, although in true hollywood style it is dissolved into a saccharin solution of "man's unrelenting triumph over adverse conditions." the result is undeniably Spielburg in its political subtlety but captured with his traditional skill.

i could've happily made away with the romance part and concentrated on the different ways the central character learned to live in the environment (like in Wall-E); and it only felt like he was there a week when i was hoping for the full 18 years; but it was a good ol' switch-your-brain-off of a movie, and.... um... yeah

6/10

watchmen: tales of the black freighter

directly taken from the alan moore book 'watchmen' this is more of a special feature that could have just been put on the final watchmen disc. it's been created as an accompaniment to the zak snyder movie in his attempt to re-create the entire watchmen universe on screen, but although i felt overcome with absolute joy at the watchmen movie, this felt a bit too fan-boy. i appreciate the want to drown in the brightly coloured dystopian universe of watchmen, but i couldn't shake the idea that making 'black freighter' was partly just to try and win moore's favour.

alan moore has been very negative in regards to all the film adaptations of his books (with league of extraordinary gentlemen he was in the right) and i can understand the reason why. it's like writing an awesome song and then having kanye west sample it. and making lots of money out of your talent and hard work.

my complete hallucination aside, this is a good little animated tale from the depths of one of the best contemporary literary minds in britain, adapted by some very talented (if obsessed) film-makers. not something you'd watch every day, but a fair piece in a complete film collection.

6/10

pee-wee's big adventure

about 10 minutes ago my bike was published to the widely viewed fixed gear gallery.

you can see my page here.
if you want.

yes. i finished it. and otiously took pictures of it for an hour or so in my back yard. i'm really pleased with the way it looks and loved the process of building it, although riding it is a new experience that i'm getting used to. i think other people like it too; the gallery also publishes your email address on the page and i've already received 2 complimentary emails about how it looks.

i also saw my australian cousin recently and showed him some pictures. he said nice things too, which was nice because he rides track-bikes on a velodrome back in oz. at one stage i heard he was looking to represent AUS in the 2012 olympics. don't know if he still is. i should probably find out.

anyway. here's another picture. go to this gallery for even more detail.

the hand that rocks the cradle

rebecca de mornay is a demon. she's superb in this, as a mentally unstable bitch with a vendetta that won't quit. the whole cast are good actually, without sinking to becoming predictable or hammy. same could be said for the whole film. it is disturbing and compelling and its nice to see something unique & original from the 90's, still standing the test of time.

a bit of a surprise was that it was madeline zima who played emma, the little girl... that she grew up to become:

wooza.

8/10

flight of the navigator

this is another of those movies that will never be anything less than fond reminiscence, regardless of how good it is. watching this again made me think of my raleigh pacer, transformer bean-bag and 'repainting' all my toy trucks and cars with a black permanent marker to make them into a racing team.

quite by chance it is also a brilliant film, for me beating E.T. to a bloody pulp.

ouch.

it reeks of spielberg's influence, from the best of his 80's hey-day. the ship design is unsurpassed originality and the MAX character holds the entire of 1980's america in a few perfect quotes. doood.

8/10

slumdog millionaire

not sure how this won the review "the most uplifting film this year" because it was quite horrible and gritty all the way through. looked pretty though (the setting and freida pinto). well made, as you should expect from danny boyle. not sure it quite lives up to the hype and all the awards but i suppose it is up against yawn-fest Revolutionary Road.

7/10

sex & the city

admittedly i don't fit into the target demographic for this movie, but i thought it was okay. my main criticism - i suppose - is that i always thought chick flicks should include two things:
1 - be uplifting
2 - be really empowering for women

i spent the majority of it feeling really sad, actually. quite depressed that a kid hiding a phone could result in such a terrible end to a relationship, a sad feeling that wasn't resolved for most of the movie.
and it ended with a reaffirmation of the idea that women do need men to be happy.

get some, feminists.

i actually thought they would've been better off turning all the stories they covered in the film into a whole other series. that way they would have still had screen-time to add 'the funny' that my girlfriend informs me fills the tv show...

it was alright though. it kept my attention, you can't really fault any of the actors and all the characters are actually pretty believable. and paris hilton isn't in it.

6/10

house of wax

okay, i think the world has had enough tedious slasher flicks with supposed 'quirky' new gimmicks, where brain dead american teenagers run back and forth within an entirely inconceivable, dangerous scenario... instead of just leaving.

i spent the first part of this hoping paris hilton would die, and the second half wishing it was a true story.

3/10

who ate all the pies?

not mary louise parker.

quantum of solace

i wonder what inspires a studio to keep producing (big money-making) films about this tired old character with no understandable chronology...
from watching this i'm assuming it's not the want for decent/coherent plot.
still, it was marginally better than casino royale.... i think.... i was asleep for most of casino royale.

daniel craig as bond... yeuch.

3/10

neko no ongaeshi (the cat returns)

studio ghibli never fail to please with their strange little creatures and beautifully crafted worlds. great for kids.

7/10

come together

michael jackson died. the moment you heard will stay with you in the same way it does with princess diana and jade goody. it's nice to find ways to honour them. like when diana died and they started a charity and built a monument.
and when jade passed away lady gaga got to number one in the singles charts.

say what you like about the old weirdo, jackson made some cool music before he started playing around with children. i like this testimony to the impact he had on many people (not the kids).

doomsday

balls. like a shit mad max.
the only thing missing is jason statham.

3/10

total recall

who would've thought that the likes of sharon stone, paul verhoven and arnold schwarzenegger could make such a fine film? unlikely as you would imagine, this actually is.

7/10

silent hill

visually arresting, but this sort of movie should be left to the japanese.
the worst part of this was the little girl who played the little girl, who just stank of theatre school. urgh.

4/10

another brick in the wall

nice to see we aren't forcing our children to learn unnecessary things like they did in the old days.

"no need to read"

fail.

prizzi's honour

sadly, i didn't get very far with this before me and my girlfriend turned to each other and suggested we just turn it off and watch "i'm a celebrity... get me out of here" instead. yep, it was THAT bad.

donkey punch

i was fully expecting utter trash with the worst acting you've ever seen.
actually, the acting turned out to be the best bit. with equal measure of hit and miss on the rest. the weakest part was any time it needed to be cleverly edited... and it never was.
didn't quite hit the mark, but showed signs that these film makers have promise.

6/10

the battle of who could care less

i was reading the daily mail over someone's shoulder on the tube today. normally i'd consider that quite rude, but as he'd chosen the daily mail i can only assume that he was a nazi and i feel okay about being rude to nazis.

anyway, he was reading this article about the recent discovery that scientists can manufacture sperm now, so we don't need men anymore. despite seeming to be a waste of time as i've never known there to be a "world man shortage" (only on internet dating websites), and being slightly worried that all the pickle jars would remain tightly shut; i decided in the spirit of equality to write a similar list.

in a world where scientists found they could manufacture human egg cells and render women defunct:


ten things we wouldn't miss

1 . men turn into dicks when women are around. just a woman's presence messes with our hearts and/or libidos. you might have a great time with a bloke, only for an attractive girl to arrive and turn him into:
A- a blithering idiot
or
B- a sex predator
this pisses me right off and is the fuel for most sweeping statements about all men being bastards.

2 . playing the chauvinism card: one minute you're being berated for insulting her independence by offering to talk to the car mechanics for her; the next you're being moaned at for not helping carry her suitcases when "you've only got one small backpack."

3 . actually we quite like getting lost in the car. asking for directions just diminishes the sense of adventure and achievement when you finally arrive.

4 . endless shopping. men will go to the right shop 1st and buy the thing they want. women will go the right shop first, then a load of other shops, buy absolutely everything they see but take 90% of it back the next week.

5 . toilet seat trouble. if we get to the loo and the seat isn't where we want it, it's a really really simple procedure to change the setting from Number 2 to Number 1. why is this so hard for women?

6 . we won't be constantly running around doing awesomely nice things to make their lives easier that never get noticed.

7 . nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag.

8 . half of the money you spend on groceries won't be used to buy "heat resistant shampoo" and "cuticle moisturiser" and "no soap soap" and "quick drying eye make-up remover with pentapeptides" and mascara with bigger brushes for extra 'lash impact.' all of which have exactly the same ingredients, just they're in different shaped bottles.

9 . no; noisy/smelly farts ARE funny.

10 . when you ask 'what's wrong?' and they say 'nothing, it's fine' but they won't offer you one of their jelly babies.


ten things we would miss

1 . remembering to send your mum a birthday card.

2 . ogling: women are on the whole really sexy. especially when they're wearing tight office clothes with 5 inch stilettos. (they obviously want you to look at them; to suggest that they "have to dress that way, to compete in a masculine environment" disqualifies any successful woman who doesn't dress a little bit raunchy.)

3 . having your neck rubbed when you're driving. does your girlfriend do that or is it just mine? whatever... it's luv-er-ly.

4 . women often have a totally different perspective on stuff that we men hadn't even considered. like why someone acted in a certain way, or what excuse you can use to get out of visiting annoying relatives.

5 . blow jobs are probably the best feeling in the world. admittedly you can get one from a bloke if you're inclined, but for me i'd rather look down on some pretty eyes and a full head of hair.

6 . women don't flick a wet towel at you if you say something sweet or romantic or cute.

7 . who would we write songs about?

"oh an-dy, you came and you gave without taking"

no

8 . naughtiness: there's not much better than when a woman puts on expensive underwear and wiggles her soft bits at you.

9 . women act really impressed when you do something manly like put up shelves or fix the car, and it makes you feel nice.

10 . boobies.

and y'know what? fuck it, i'm adding another one as the daily mail weaseled out of a full twenty:
11 . i actually love watching my girlfriend get ready to go out and i don't care if she takes ages and makes us late. not with all that extra nudity and the funny make-up application faces she does.

women are awesome. i mean, look at this one.

back to the future

the fuel consumption thing on my car buggered up a little while ago and it told me i was getting 97.4 MPG. caught me off guard for a while because the faster i drove, the more miles it added before i needed to fill up the petrol tank again.

i thought i was traveling backwards in time for a while.

i just realised this photo shows that i was happy to take a photo of my dashboard while driving at over 60 mph at night. oh dear.

the mist

i didn't quite click with the level of this film until about halfway through, when they battled the spiders.. but in the end it was a surprisingly good spooky thriller with a brilliant ending.

my one issue is the CGI on the tentacles which were embarrassing and would have been far better if they were animatronic (as with most things).

7/10

casino royale

this bored the hell out of me and i fell asleep for most of it.

3/10

volcano

if you were going to write a film about lava, perhaps you should consider the following facts:
1. lava is thixotropic and travels at up to 60mph.
2. lava is molten rock between 600-1200 degrees.

therefore... you can't stop it with ten fire engines and some concrete blocks.

my favourite quote - "looks like they've done it... they've accomplished the impossible!"

terrible

3/10

fat bottom girls

so who wants an update on my bike build?

no?

whatever; i got this frame a while ago now and have been slowly sourcing parts to complete it. the frame itself is awesome. i got it mainly because it had horizontal drop-outs (necessary for a single speed) and it was pretty nearby on ebay. when i got it home i found the seat stays were really cool. and after a bit of research it turns out it was built in 1970 in worksop. so it's classic and british. hurrah!

though i liked the colour, i've since painted it. i was going to go for a really pastel blue but i misjudged the rattle-can of car paint and was a bit over entranced by the name "stratos blue" .. so it's ended up like this after the first coat:

a sort of metallic air-force-grey-blue sort of thing. which i've fallen in love with a bit. especially when it's pieced together with the other bits and pieces.

speaking of the other bits and pieces, they're pretty much all brand new, but not necessarily the best brands or the lightest weights. i should mention that i've yet to actually ride a fixie so there's a great chance that i might not even like it. if i do, i'll get lighter parts over time. if i don't, i'll sell it. judging by the prices of some second-hand bikes i saw in brick lane bikes a couple of days ago i should get a fair whack for mine (considering there were a few in there that weren't any where near as nice as mine going for more than £350).

the most expensive parts were the wheels. but i thought it was worth spending a bit of money on the bit that is going to stop my face hitting tarmac at 25mph.

the hardest bit has been the whole bottom bracket business. if you look at the top picture you will see the original 1970 bottom bracket fused to the frame with 40 years of rust and dirt and ming. and that wasn't coming out in a hurry. unfortunately - as i was to discover - it was about 2 inches too long and the chain-line would end up as straight as tom cruise's grip on reality.

oh well, it only took me about 5 hours of grunting and sweating and moaning about life to remove it.

bastard.

still, it's all gonna be worth it. i'm pretty close to finishing bar a couple of details that i'll tell you about later. for now, have a look at the work so far.

jeez, my bedroom's a mess.

the transporter 2

this film is shit.

but it did make me laugh, not least jason statham's comedy "american" accent.

2/10

walk hard: the dewey cox story

hilarity and smiling and that. not much funnier can be found than the opening scene with the kids and the mid-way with the beatles. i laughed like a spoon.
it does fall a little flat about half way through, but pulls it's socks up a little towards the end.
very funny, very silly, worth a look
(i also cried a bit)

YES!

7/10

rambo IV

the news reports at the beginning of these turned it from a mindless entertainment action flick, into a political shocker and the whole thing became very bad taste because of it.
however, if you completely ignore the badly conceived contextualising (is that a word?) this is a competent action movie harking back to the 80's; back when we didn't want a damn story line, we wanted blood and guts and guns and bombs.

you can't really fault sly stallone as a (mindless 80's) action director, and if you want to pick holes in his awful acting you shouldn't even be watching his films.

eagle eye

its enjoyable, but an entire story filmed on the premise that an artificially intelligent computer capable of the observation and control of every mobile phone, computer, fax machine, sat nav, vehicle, computer-controlled crane, television, traffic light, microwave oven etc. etc. .. can be fooled by an identical twin mix-up.
has the director ever met identical twins? they aren't actually identical.

this film also predominately featured one of those 'if you break a computer monitor, it destroys the computer' moments, which is ridiculous.

still, its a fun ride. and shia lebouf is - as always - excellent.
and - as always - better than the film itself.

6/10

3:10 to yuma

one of those films that teach you to avoid having exceedingly high hopes before you watch it. not terrible, but filled with slightly unfathomable decisions made by every character.
really stupidly over-patriotic, and the characters are less believable because of it.

5/10