Tuesday, 16 March 2010

your mother's got a penis

you are the victim of a very clever joke. in a world where corporate executives combine their forces with clever advertising companies to trick you into buying their sub-standard product, you have been sucked in by the very worst. we've already fallen to the Betamax vs. VHS fuck up. you probably - like me - bought an oasis album back in the 90's, when you could've spent the money on a second copy of blur's park life. you are more than likely guilty of watching humourless twat-machine the x factor a couple of times, rather than encouraging ITV to run much more superior repeats of Sharpe.
i bet you even favour ant & dec over charlie brooker, you dirty heaving travesty upon nature.

it's not all your fault though. you've just been manipulated by some terrible people with unlimited funds. you've just found your genitals trapped in the button-up flies of the lowest common denominator. it brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

but luckily, you have me to help. luckily for your soul and self-respect i am here to point out where you may fail as a human. phew...

with this latest example the whole ploy is a big fat joke: your hard-earned pocket money is the punchline, and the belly laughing audience are the freeloaders that run lady gaga's record company.

as we know from daily attack, success in popular culture has absolutely nothing to do with skill or talent. in sport you need to be good at your sport, but in pop culture it's much more about the media frenzy that surrounds you. just look at katie price - she brings nothing positive to society, yet is one of the most successful cartoon characters in history.

i'm interested in the limits of this effect, and that's why lady gaga is such a good test subject. lets look at the evidence.
gaga was plucked out of nowhere, and i've seen little or no evidence that she worked hard to deserve the plucking. no effort put in, seemingly she is just a mindless drone with no sense of self-worth, that would do anything she is told for money. a bit like a prostitute.
secondly, there was speculation a little while back when audience members swear they saw a hunk of man-meat slide out of her pants. of course it wasn't real, but boy did the internet catch fire with cockspiracy theories.
her album is called "the fame".
she always looks like a fucking idiot.
every act she puts on serves only to get herself in the press again, when what she should be doing is spending time improving her music.

which leads to me to the main point:
supposedly, her raison d'etre is as a music maker, that's why she releases singles. but her music is beyond terrible. far beyond. i had a motorbike accident once, it hurt, but when i overhear lady gaga songs (usually out of some cunt's over-pumped headphones on the tube) i tend to hark back to the much-more-pleasant feeling of tarmac wearing through through my knee-caps, and it calms the aggravating tinnitus of: "ma-ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-ma-poker-face-ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-ma-poker-face-ma-ma-poker-face, come on barbie, let's go party, ma-ma-ma-poker-face, ma-ma-poker-face."


and now this:

a clear demonstration of how no-talent, blot-on-humanity wrecks can make money by running their pinky around their sphincter and beckoning, and then not delivering the goods. metaphorically.

the most haunting memory i have of the whole piece of pointless film-making is the end, where it says "to be continued..." please, god, no. end it. end it now. before i put all my life savings into damaging you beyond repair.

there are 10 obvious product placements in that video. i don't remember the jam ever being in an advert for calor gas. or fleetwood mac eating at wimpy.

gaga is the embodiment of nonsense. watch any interview with her and you'll soon see she can't be any more than a cognitively removed corporate muppet, on permanent reception of hard puppet-fisting from a record company exec. her existence is basically pointless and only serves to hold back the human race.

"hey, i'm a a-vont guard artist. to prove my credibitlitty have a look at my pepsi-branded nipple."
- lady gaga

don't be the victim of this vicious practical joke. save yourself and those around you. edge around the trap. dodge the bucket of filth suspended over your doorway. don't sit on the shit-cushion.

consider yourself warned.
you're welcome.

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