i'm dr. frankenstein

goodness me, off we go into a world of delight.
delight i tells ye.

i learnt how to electrocute people back into life. it was at work, we was trained we was. you know those defribillater thingamajigs? do you? they're always in movies or tv or whatever and someone goes into cardiac arrest and they get these paddle thingies and twazap their heart with electrocity and say stuff like "clear" and everyone steps back and there's like this "wwwhhhooooooeeooeoeoeoeoe" noise while it charges up and then they electricise the person and suddenly they perk up and it's like, "i was totally dead, right, and now i'm happy and lively and that." well, now i can use one of those defibrillater things and save someone's life if they happen to go into cardiac arrest in front of me.
so if you're going to go into cardiac arrest, make sure it's near me and also we are both near a defib (AED) machine. and we're not outside when it's raining ('coz i won't twazap you then because i would kill myself). also if would be best if your arrest puts your heart in a shockable rhythm, if not, i can't twazap you then either.

i put an alarm on my bike yesterday. i was so out of my depth. i had to hack into the electronics of the ignition system and connect a load of wires and stuff in. this would've been okay if A/ i had any knowledge of motorcycle ignition systems, B/ the instructions were written in english.
instead they were written in that chinglish language that foreign imported goods have. it had sentences like:
"connects wire to positive ignotion on more than 10 volt when ingintion is on." i shit you not.
in fact the only bit that was written in good, understandable english was "never use the trial and error method to identify connections, failure to do so will damage the unit and the vehicle."
brilliant.
i managed it though. it is here that i pause for a satisfactory smug-face. mmm.

that defibrillater thing, it always makes me think:

man 1: aarrgh, shite-heart... i've only bloody gone into cardiac arrest, somebody help me i'm gonna die. i should barely be able to speak really, but my heart has stopped working proper. it is in a shockable rhythm, if only someone could stick some thingies to me chest and twazap me.
[man walks nearby]
hey you! won't you grab that nearby AED machine and twazap me?

man 2: i'm so busy, old biscuit, i'll defib-u-later.

defib you later get it?
like defibrillater.
...
i can't help it, it's not a decision.