Thursday, 9 July 2009

the battle of who could care less

i was reading the daily mail over someone's shoulder on the tube today. normally i'd consider that quite rude, but as he'd chosen the daily mail i can only assume that he was a nazi and i feel okay about being rude to nazis.

anyway, he was reading this article about the recent discovery that scientists can manufacture sperm now, so we don't need men anymore. despite seeming to be a waste of time as i've never known there to be a "world man shortage" (only on internet dating websites), and being slightly worried that all the pickle jars would remain tightly shut; i decided in the spirit of equality to write a similar list.

in a world where scientists found they could manufacture human egg cells and render women defunct:

ten things we wouldn't miss

1 . men turn into dicks when women are around. just a woman's presence messes with our hearts and/or libidos. you might have a great time with a bloke, only for an attractive girl to arrive and turn him into:
A- a blithering idiot
B- a sex predator
this pisses me right off and is the fuel for most sweeping statements about all men being bastards.

2 . playing the chauvinism card: one minute you're being berated for insulting her independence by offering to talk to the car mechanics for her; the next you're being moaned at for not helping carry her suitcases when "you've only got one small backpack."

3 . actually we quite like getting lost in the car. asking for directions just diminishes the sense of adventure and achievement when you finally arrive.

4 . endless shopping. men will go to the right shop 1st and buy the thing they want. women will go the right shop first, then a load of other shops, buy absolutely everything they see but take 90% of it back the next week.

5 . toilet seat trouble. if we get to the loo and the seat isn't where we want it, it's a really really simple procedure to change the setting from Number 2 to Number 1. why is this so hard for women?

6 . we won't be constantly running around doing awesomely nice things to make their lives easier that never get noticed.

7 . nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag.

8 . half of the money you spend on groceries won't be used to buy "heat resistant shampoo" and "cuticle moisturiser" and "no soap soap" and "quick drying eye make-up remover with pentapeptides" and mascara with bigger brushes for extra 'lash impact.' all of which have exactly the same ingredients, just they're in different shaped bottles.

9 . no; noisy/smelly farts ARE funny.

10 . when you ask 'what's wrong?' and they say 'nothing, it's fine' but they won't offer you one of their jelly babies.

ten things we would miss

1 . remembering to send your mum a birthday card.

2 . ogling: women are on the whole really sexy. especially when they're wearing tight office clothes with 5 inch stilettos. (they obviously want you to look at them; to suggest that they "have to dress that way, to compete in a masculine environment" disqualifies any successful woman who doesn't dress a little bit raunchy.)

3 . having your neck rubbed when you're driving. does your girlfriend do that or is it just mine? whatever... it's luv-er-ly.

4 . women often have a totally different perspective on stuff that we men hadn't even considered. like why someone acted in a certain way, or what excuse you can use to get out of visiting annoying relatives.

5 . blow jobs are probably the best feeling in the world. admittedly you can get one from a bloke if you're inclined, but for me i'd rather look down on some pretty eyes and a full head of hair.

6 . women don't flick a wet towel at you if you say something sweet or romantic or cute.

7 . who would we write songs about?
"oh an-dy, you came and you gave without taking"


8 . naughtiness: there's not much better than when a woman puts on expensive underwear and wiggles her soft bits at you.

9 . women act really impressed when you do something manly like put up shelves or fix the car, and it makes you feel nice.

10 . boobies.

and y'know what? fuck it, i'm adding another one as the daily mail weaseled out of a full twenty:
11 . i actually love watching my girlfriend get ready to go out and i don't care if she takes ages and makes us late. not with all that extra nudity and the funny make-up application faces she does.

women are awesome. i mean, look at this one.

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