Wednesday, 27 January 2010

white noise

i am an AV engineer. and a damn good one. i've been doing it for about 8-9 years now and - in my current job - there are never any requests for anything that i haven't done many many times before.

so for example, when an events organiser (after reeling off a list of requests for an exciting accounts department day, with music and games and fun* team-building exercises!) smugly says to me "hey, i bet these are pretty unusual ideas aren't they? we wanted to make it a bit different ha ha!"
.. how i really want to respond is, "i remember when i sound engineered the royal philharmonic in a huge concert hall with a sound disrupting parabolic dome ceiling, and had to balance an opera singer with a baroque guitar and a 90-piece orchestra, nothing your pissy little 'team-talk' could throw at me would make me think harder than when i'm wiping my arse."

but i can't. i actually like my job and would rather do it than have to queue up at the dole office with the dirties.

i also hear the same questions and comments o'er and o'er again (the AV engineers out there will concur with a facial expression resembling someone about to vomit). i have pretty much an identical conversation every morning, with whoever is presenting that day. they will usually supply me with the worst powerpoint presentation file i have ever seen, then try and make small-talk as i am testing their microphone. firstly they will blow into it. i don't know why people do this. it doesn't make any sense unless they are trying to damage the equipment on purpose, or planning on communicating with their arse-licking dullard audience solely through the medium of breath.
i will then leave them to practice for a while, while i try and get past the company firewall to look at freakish pornography.

i will soon be interrupted...
presenter: "will everybody in the room hear me?"

technician: "yes, you are paying for loads of expensive audio equipment; and a sound engineer who got here 3 hours before you to test everything"

p: "because sometimes the I.T. doesn't work properly in these venues"

t: "this isn't I.T., it is audio and visual equipment. that's what A.V. stands for. i am not an I.T. technician you patronising fuck-bush."

p: "oh! are you the D.J.?! ha ha ha ha ha ha! shall i do some karaoke?!"

t: "not if you don't want to be beaten to death with an XL-8, no."

p: "oh right. if i stand next to the lectern, will that make the microphones feedback?"

t: "if you don't know what you're talking about you shouldn't be speaking."

p: "oh, i can't connect my laptop to the building's wireless network. could you sort it out for me?"

t: "i'm not an I.T. technician. that is literally a completely different department. it's like asking me to do you a platter of luxury wraps."

p: "your equipment looks complicated, do you know what ALL the buttons do?"

t: "yes. it is my job."

p: "i bet you learn a lot from sitting in all these conferences don't you?"

t: "i sleep quite a lot. this job is easy and i have absolutely no interest in what you are saying. you are an accountant."

p: "can you play this song by M People as i walk up onto stage?"

t: "fuck you, you stupid fucking cunt."

* forced fun is not actual fun.

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