i'm totally going now

out of the neon sun ~ part 3

(and some other stuff)

today my boss told me i could have a month off during the company's busiest period of the year. we're one step closer to moscow. holy shit.

i do have to take two weeks of it off unpaid though. shame, but it does mean i will have lots of holiday left over for the year so it looks like i might be able to spend an entire week with faith, hope & gaffertape, something i had previously resigned myself to not being able to do. hurrah!

while i'm on the subject of gaffertape; in my previous blog about it i failed to mention some of the really important people that make it the brilliant experience it is: my friends that run it. they are gorramn geniuses. i'm so proud to know them.

liv, sparrow, troubadour and mf.

these four people had a vision to create something. they started from scratch. they built it up with only the very minimum of support. they battled against a sore few who thought it was a bad idea. they have truly brought an idea to life and made it their own thing, despite anything similar that preceded it.

and now, their actions have brought together a whole bunch of fabulous people and i know that spirit has improved the lives of most of the people it has touched. i'll stop harping on about it now.

they are awesome.

that is all.

i'm looking for a difference

hmmmm. if you can find any, please let me know.





beyonce & tina turner... bandy legged and noisy.

i'm full of content

it's been a few days. "why?" i hear you mutter. i've been away from mr. computer for a few days.

i have had a totally awesome week.

my friend 'xany' came to visit. i haven't seen her in 4 years. it will be safer for everyone if i don't go into any detail about what happened while she stayed over, suffice to say it was amazing to see her again and she was and still is one of my favourite people on the planet.

speaking of my favourite people on the planet (this works on so many levels that you will never know) i have a whole load of new names to add to my "best people list."

i've spent the last 5 days working as a youth leader for a theatre group that my friends set up to provide fun events and activities for young people around the country. the main event that the faith, hope and gaffertape theatre company do is musical in a week where the young people arrive at a residential centre on a sunday, audition for parts that evening and then work their socks off until friday when they then put on a musical. this year they got given a little grant and were asked to put on last years show, godspell, on at greenbelt this year. so we met together on wednesday and tried to put together everything that they did 13 months ago. in two days.

i just wanted to give you a brief history of why i spent a third of my well-earned holiday hanging out with 14-19 year olds. what i really wanted to say was what an amazing bunch of people they all are.

guys, if any of you read this (i should say i hope you don't 'cause my blog sometimes has naughty words... but secretly i hope you do) i'd just like to say that you all kick ass and i can't wait to see you all again. i'll miss you all and would gladly swap my regular shower facilities for more time spent with you. i'm so proud of you all for what you acheived this week, you blew my socks off with how talented and funny and welcoming and energetic and trustworthy and positive and open and compassionate and sweet and mature and smelly you all are.

thanks guys.

i love you all.

as someone who generally thinks that adolescents are filthy and rude, i'm so glad that i have been proved wrong by a group of incredible young people who i've quickly become very fond of.

and i went camping. which was nice.


  

i'm about to reveal a hollywood secret

perhaps the biggest discovery of last millennia was the R.D.G.U. it was discovered in approximately 1996 by three young explorers: the urban cowboy, wide-eyed troubadour and whackwit, although it had been working of it's own accord for many years previous to this.

the R.D.G.U. was spotted whilst a scientific experiment was taking place in the arizona desert. it was an experiment to learn more of the ecosystems of the world and increase the longevity of foreseeable human existence on this earth. an enormous dome-like structure was built, in it were various sections simulating each of the earth's main climatic environments: woodland, rainforest, desert, swamplands etc. certain mistakes were made during the experiment that led to the R.D.G.U's first spotting. the biodome was due to be sealed for a year with 6 highly decorated scientists inside, each a leading expert in their field. they would live inside the airtight dome and survive only on the faculties that nature gave them for those 365 days, running various tests along the way.

unfortunately the experiment was comprimised by two unplanned foreign bodies, two surfus moronicus got into the dome and were trapped inside for the full 365 days. while this was eventually utilised and allowed scientific research into chaos theory, out of the chaos came the R.D.G.U. into the public eye.

the R.D.G.U. (Random Dwarf Generation Unit) appeared from nowhere, without warning. it is not yet known who (or what) designed and built it. perhaps the ghosts of long dead film directors. perhaps martian film-buffs. the theories are infinite.

the R.D.G.U. is - in layman's terms - a machine to make any film/movie amazing, regardless of it's content, storyline, actors, director and so on. it does this by inserting a dwarf at a completely chance point of the film. the dwarf may be dancing, standing still, wiggling or any number of other actions. the one rule is that they must not have anything to do with the film itself. if said dwarf has a character name, a spoken line integral to the plot, a story changing presence in any way shape or form then it has not been created by the R.D.G.U. on 'pure' setting.

if a film includes a purebreed random dwarf then it is automatically a work of filmic genius. it can be used by simply placing the machine within a mile radius of a film-set. it must be fed with meat and dice. to add a random dwarf in post-production you simply add a copy of the final edit to the ingredients. (click on below diagram)

have you witnessed a random dwarf?
documented sightings include:

billy madison (1995)
biodome (1996)
love & sex (2000)
stander (2003) .. though it is a long distance shot & could be a child

i have seen others but have long forgotten them. i will update this list constantly


if you think you have seen random dwarf, please let me know. i am compiling the first official list.

i'm dis-popular

big brother is over again and off our televisions for another couple of months. i'm so pleased. it went well this year, i thought. normally, by process of osmosis and the sheer flooding of the media by BB, BBBM, BBLB, BBBB, FOBB and whatever other acronyms they clutch at to swarm like typeface ants over my tv guide and into teletext, i end up knowing some of their names, which ones are slappers, how many are "nice" people etc. etc. etc.

i try to avoid it, but the saturation of conversation topics of twenty-somethings by this demonic televisual entity forcefeed my memory banks. its annoying, it interrupts trying to learn mongolian and keeping my balance and uses up valuable frontal lobe space. i assume it has the same effect on the fans of the 'show' but they welcome it because they don't know who mongolia is and lack the ambition required to stand up.

this year was different though, it pleases me to say. this year i managed to avoid nearly all knowledge of any bb factoids. it was a welcome release.

i know that there was someone called nicky. i know that some housemates went back into the house. i know that a load of vacant morons demanded their voting money back. i believe it was won by a noisy wannabe with stupid hair.

and that's it. sigh of relief.

i've never watched big brother. it seemed like a weird idea the first time round, so i didn't bother. and haven't since. i don't feel i've missed out on anything.

an additional perk is of course not having frickin' russell brand infecting my telly-box. how are people like him allowed in mainstream media? him and all the other t4 presenters? (disregard simon amstell from this remark)

just because the tv says these people are funny, doesn't mean they actually are. certain characteristics give away the secret that they aren't really cut out for the job. for example:

• when her voice sounds like scratching your nails down a blackboard while coughing like a disease-ridden smoker.
  
• when the furniture around her has more screen presence.
  
• when he has to read from an autocue to appear witty.
  
• when they look dumbstruck by a band who they clearly haven't heard of before.
  
• when their wardrobe looks like it was designed by a topshop store-cupboard cleaner.
  
• when his hair has more personality than him, and it's the personality of that shouty-guy from the later police academy films.
  
• when their facial expression is either "smug" or "bewildered."
  
  

jesus, while searching for the above picture i discovered one of some hollyoaks cast members winning some kind of award. i assume it was for "undeservedly highest tv ratings without decent script/director/actors/camera work/storyline" or something.

i'm irritable

aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh.

like... like running your hands through muddy water and finding a pretty little gemstone that cuts your knuckles and stains your clothing.

i'm in the dry

its pouring outside. absolutely lashing it down.

well, day 3 of the holiday. i'm down at my mum and dad's. it's thundering and it's lightening, very very frightening me, galileo galileo figaro.

i hope jojo is okay in the rain. poor thing.

it was wonderful earlier though. a perfect summer evening for a stroll down to the beach to watch the fireworks. what is it about fireworks? they just make me feel nostalgic.

secret outlet of frustration for a thing:
,KJMZXFDJRFD,KJMXFDXFDXFD,
KJMEJE,KJED,KJM,JMZXFD,JMZXFD,
JMXFD,KJMMMNXFD,KJMXRFD,
KJMXRFD,KJMXRFD,KJM,KJXRFD,
KJMXRFD,KJMXTRFDXTFD,KJM

i'm relaxing against my will

today marks the second day of two weeks of 'freedom.' my workplace hath encouraged me to take 2 weeks off because i'm owed so much time off and the year is slipping away from us.

it's nice, this being single lark. 6 months ago if i were to have taken 2 weeks, i know that it would have been spent completely in the warm and loving arms of my missus. except without the warm and loving bit. and possibly not the arms.
but it definitely would have been entirely with her.
i'm sure it would have been a perfect week of sun, sea, anger, discomfort and sand.
and arguments.
but i'm single now. so what can i possibly do on my own for 14 days? how can i fill the time? what time is it anyway?
it's 9.22am.
well here's the plan... (if you're a stalker please do not read the rest of this blog. it would make your life easier, but less of a challenge)

stay with my brother in sunny cambridge, stay with my parents in sunny margate, my friend 'xany' stays with me in sunny london, go to sunny cheltenham to assist running a sunny youth camp/event type thing, go to sunny music festival in sunny cheltenham racecourse, stay with my sunny friend 'ned' on her sunny boat in the sun.

not all at the same time. that would be silly. but clever.

i'm planning on enjoying the sun quite a bit.

my biggest excitement is fitting a weeks worth of luggage, tent, spare helmet, camping equipment and a recently finished canvas, on my bike.
it will be fun.

she is a big bike. i have faith.
her name is jojo. i will introduce her to you soon.

right, better go and buy a weeks worth of luggage, tent, spare helmet, and some camping equipment.

i'm a cheerful one

that last blog was a bit heavy wasn't it? i'm sorry about that. i'm afraid that within this cheery golightly exterior there lies an angry little activist trying to right the world. i'd like to be able to clear third world debt or catch the american bombs before they hit some little kids house. most of my friends are working on those things for their jobs. i'm immensely proud of them. it's like i have a social group of real life superheroes. sometimes i feel a little in-adequate when they have dedicated their entire career to it and i have spent moments of mine actually being polite to tony "warmonger" blair.

i won't spend this blog moaning about my inadequacies as a political pressuriser. i want to moan today about tracksuits. now i'm not for a moment suggesting that i know much about fashion. yes, i used to run a highly regarded fashionable clothes shop but now i'm a sound engineer so i only know about black jeans and t-shirts with def leppard on them. at least, though, when i'm not wearing my work clothes i like to think about what i'm wearing and try and look presentable to the rest of the human race. but whats this thing about tracksuits, eh? what could be a more lazy and unflattering outfit to wear in public? yes fine, if you're at home doing the laundry or - god forbid - TRAINING, this would be ideal, but i see people out on an evening wearing them. isn't a tracksuit the sort of thing you dress a disabled guy in so he doesn't hurt himself his own zip?

(too far?)

people in tracksuits: you don't look good. you look like toddlers. this is not helped by having tweety-pie printed on the back.

what annoys me even more is when spotty little teenaged white-boys with grubby fingernails and shitty little scooters wear them thinking they look "so hip-hop." you don't look hip hop, you look like cunts. and putting noisy exhaust pipes on your bikes doesn't make people think they are really cool sports bikes. it makes people think you are cunts.

i hate you chavvy tracksuit wearing, noisy scooter riding shit demons.
i hate you.

i'm thinking about god

it's a biggun and no mistake.

two things happened this week that made me think about god and stuff. firstly, i was at the fruitstock festival in regent's park on sunday. it was busy. very busy. a beautiful day, the sun was pouring down on our shoulders, cider was flowing like the danube and from the smells i'm guessing a few were partaking in a bit of 'homegrown smoking.'

needless to say it was a merry merry occasion, and because it was a free festival a hearty cross-section of demographics were in attendance and creating a relaxed chilled-out atmosphere that was really rather pleasant. (that, or passive "smoking" had mellowed me beyond my senses)

something a bit surprising happened though, when the london community gospel choir came on to main stage. from about 50,000 people sitting on rugs in the sun, very suddenly there were 30,000 sitting on rugs and about 20,000 standing up and clambering toward the stage, many with their hands in the air. now i don't know what the statistic of the amount of christians there are in london, but i bet it's not 40%. so i'm quite intrigued as to what went through the minds of those who suddenly wanted to be close to the front of an evangelistic performance such as this.

yes, many of you probably are christians and wanted to get into the worship side of it.
yes, the LCGC are incredible performers and entertainers, i don't want to take this away from them, but there were other great acts too, with hardly a comparible reaction.
yes, many people just thought it was a bit funny and wanted other people to see them take the piss. i saw you, you're not as funny as you thought.
yes, there is a certain amount of in-built emotive response to the chords and harmonies of gospel music, especially over a big fat PA system.

but i'm not entirely sure if that covers everyone who had this reaction. it was literally an exodus, a wave of people from all over the park that was rolling stageward.

if you were there, i'd love to know your thoughts and whether you were one in that wave and why. i'm not naive to think that 'the Power of God' compelled you all. it may have done a few. if it was responsible for your movement then congratulations, i hope you see life with new, refreshed eyes and a big cheeky smile.

the second god-thought was inspired by a very old and dear friend getting in contact almost completely out of the blue. i have tried to contact her many a time in the last 4-5 years and our correspondance has never amounted to any longevity. while i won't go into very much detail it turns out that she has become pretty much a recluse, away from her long list of friends and ended up halfway around the globe in a far off but well-nourished land. this had been largely due to pressure from her family and 'friends' to marry quickly and settle down in the 'loving and supportive' environment of a religious community which i will leave unspecified.

now she is (quote) "fucking miserable... jaded... [and] without hope."

it's not god who made this happen. i'm fed up with people blaming religion for much of the shit that goes on in this world. it's not religion; religion is a basic human need, it's genetic. every human age in any part of the world, no matter how remote, has a history of worship or praise or god-fearing or at the very very least a belief that there is something bigger.

don't try and tell me religion is to blame. if that was the truth then your local vicar and his aged choir must be the most dangerous and fearful people in your community.

it's people. people unfortunately are the most dangerous additions to any situation. people are greedy. people get delusions of grandeur. people think they are infallible. people get allowed into positions of power and far too often they are the wrong choice. bush, bin laden, hitler, prescott, you know the list. they shouldn't ever have been in a position of that much power and they certainly should never be in a position where they make decisions about how other people's lives should be.

someone decided that my friend would be 'better off' in this fanatical, narrow-minded, racist, selfish, deluded, arrogant community. she's not. she's sad. she shouldn't be wasting precious moments of her life without a smile splattered over her face, she should be free to experience the pleasures this life can give.

same goes for everyone. there's enough food, water, justice, wealth, freedom, comfort and beauty in this world for every single person to have a feast for life. unfortunately there are a few people that think different. and we listen to them.

it doesn't matter if you're jewish, muslim, christian, buddhist, hindu, whatever. your god doesn't want you to spend your life in fear, ruining the lives of others. he/she/they didn't create a planet to punish a race that didn't yet exist. this planet is here to enjoy, those people around you are to be nice to, and - if you believe in a god of any kind - it's there to respect.

now stop fucking about.

abode with me - ROOM FOR RENT

as from 5th september there is a room free in my house.
its a lovely room. and a lovely house.
and i am lovely. and so is my house mate.

medium-sized fully-furnished room with double bed and plenty of storage, in a modern house on a quiet terraced street. 5-10 mins walk from wood green tube station (zone 3). comfy lounge, large kitchen/diner, monitored burglar alarm, wireless broadband, washing machine, cheap bills, indoor toilet, outdoor garden.
and a roof that covers the entire building.

we are two well-presented, easy-going, house-trained chaps who enjoy films, music, gigs, comedy, the odd pint, the odd worker's breakfast, odd things. he likes football, i like motorbikes.
£365pm or thereabouts, council tax included.

we're looking for someone aged 23-33, male or female, non-smoker preferred, trustworthy and pleasant with it.
if you know anyone, please get in contact.

(we don't want nutters or people who like blazin' squad)

i'm hungry...

...and i just caught 2 massive moths in my bedroom.

hmmm.

is that okay? i guess not. but i thought i'd ask. yeah? no. no, i shouldn't.

hmm.

no. no i really shouldn't.

no?

no.

i'm pushing one out

i'm bad-ass

i found this while i was going through old stuff. it's a letter of resignation to my last company. i worked for a great company that got bought out by an idiot company.
i didn't like the new one. it was shit.

Dear Person,

It is with great relief that I am finally able to hand in this, my letter of resignation.

I will work my months notice period if required, and will leave on 19th September.

Despite spending many months enjoying my job at *old company*; feeling challenged, enthused, respected and in a company that had a clear idea of what they were doing and how they were going to get there, I am glad to say that I am finally able to leave a job where the exact opposite is true.

From the day that we moved from *old location* to *new location* it has been a constant downward spiral. I have spent these past months feeling completely bored. When I first started at *old company*, as any of my *old company* peers that are left will testify, I had a huge enthusiasm for the job and worked my hardest in all parts. This was easy to do in an environment where I was constantly being encouraged to do so: treated like an adult, given hope of prospects, paid on time with no problems, surrounded by people who knew what they were doing and above all, in a company that was transparent, successful and stable.

Since the move it has been consistent that every day something happens that has sapped further enthusiasm or left me dumbstruck that a company could mess up so much and treat its workers with so little respect. I have reached a point now where little could surprise me in the day-to-day operations of this company.

It is a place geared only towards cutting corners and apologising to disappointed customers; excited by high financial turnover (regardless of profit) and quantity of staff (regardless of quality).

When you bought *old company*, did you hope to be taking on the profit that it made as well as the staff and assets without raising yourselves to the *old company* standard? Did you consider that if you treated the new guys like idiots that they would stay, knowing that with their skills they could get new jobs within a few months? Were you even aware that most people left before the move even happened? Is it beginning to look like you have spent a load of money on some second-hand equipment?

I stayed with the company to give it the benefit of the doubt. While all reports suggested that *new company* was a cowboy company, it was promised that they were trying to improve and were looking to take on the successful knowledge and working practice standard that they could gain by merging with *old company*. With that in mind I thought that it might be worth ‘sticking it out’ and seeing if we all couldn’t make something of some quality. Sadly we were lied to. You didn’t listen to any suggestions that we had. Instead, you assumed that we would just fit in, work in the way you are used to and success would easily follow.

All of the above will, I’m sure, mean that your company will continue to have to survive on uninteresting work involving a laptop and screen and having to discount the charge because you were late.

I could go on, but I should think (whoever you are, I’ve never experienced the common courtesy of an introduction) you have stopped reading by now, knowing that your way is best and you don’t need to listen to anyone below you. And frankly, I only want to use one sheet of my paper.

I have no personal ill will towards any one person in particular, but absolutely no commitment to *new company* itself and will be glad to move on to where I can begin thinking about having a career again.

Thank you for the money you managed to pay me.

Lots of love and kisses, Me

(i changed that last bit to protect my secret identity.)
needless to say they told me not to come in on monday.
4 weeks off.
paid.
result.

amusingly, the idiot company have gone bust and into liquidation twice since then, and about 3 buyers pull out of buy-out deals. they've also lost most of their venue contracts and my new company has won them all!

i feel bad about using the word cowboy though. cowboys are cool.

i'm re-aligning my brain

out of the neon sun ~ chapter 2

the planning hath officially begun. decisions hath been made. a step hath been taken. it's becoming slightly real. yep, i'm definitely going to mongolia.

matt and i have chosen to travel 2nd class in 4-berth cabins so we get to meet lots of people on the way. we currently have our fingers crossed that on one of the legs of the journey those two people turn out to be 18 year-old swedish professional dancers with a healthy attitude to nudity and experimentation.

we're aiming to go sometime during may/june. we'll miss out on the naadar festival which is a shame, but during july/august it gets very busy tourist-wise and temperatures range from 35-45C. bloomin' nora. well it is desert.

and there are mosquitoes. a lot of them. the size of your fist.

my favourite decision though, is that we're going to wing it. completely. all we'll know beforehand are our flight time into moscow and our flight time out of beijing. the rest we'll make up as we go along. scared? excited? yup. i get a little burst of adrenalin every time i think about it. op! theres one.

but here's the thing that has really made me think its real. i've started the slippery treacherous task of learning mongolian. so i don't appear a total retard ->

i was terrible at languages at school. i learned french for a bit and forgot it all. i learned german for a bit longer and now all i can do is ask where the nearest train station is; not that much use. especially not in the middle of the gobi desert.

a stroke of luck though. a girl at work is a mongol (don't laugh) and she's teaching me how to speak khalkha. bonus. apparently my accent is very good. she got this far away dreamy look in her eye when i spoke, although that could just be my spankingly delightful face. bayartai!

i'm hoping this will work

because if you can read this; it means i can remote blog from my mobile phone..
oh yeah, i'm that geeky.