i wanna sex you up

if there was any doubt about what people use the internet for, check out some of the statistics for my blog.

firstly, the keywords typed into google search that brought people to me in the first place:

i love that simon pegg sneaks in there about half way up. what a sexy sexy man he is.

anyway, secondly (and i'm very proud of this one) have a look at my most viewed blog entries for the last month:

note fuck me pumps as the most popular. i mean, i was pretty proud of that one at the time. and local opinions were favourable. but you can't lie with google analytics on your side.

i've also noted through excessive ego-rubbing (trawling through endless statistics that i won't bore you with) that i've had quite a few people get to the site through rather sordid means ("fat bottom whores") and actually stay a while reading various different posts.
basically what's happened is someone's come for a wank, and enjoyed a good hard read instead.

hence my new advertising slogan:

happy b(w)ank holiday everybody.

the straight story

i love road movies. there is something that appeals to me about transience and detachment. when i'm laid in bed ridden with insomnia, the one thing that guarantees the onset of sleep is imagining myself on the road with all the bare necessities on board whatever inconceivable vehicle i've chosen that night. usually it's a beat-up old american camper truck, and the bare necessities are a trailer with a harley davidson on it...

i've shared too much.

this film put me right there, in that frame of mind. it's insomnia. a nostalgic dream. just real enough to keep you awake. just david lynchie enough to necessitate occasionally pinching yourself to check you haven't slipped under.

didn't say much about the film, did i?

sleepy now.

7/10

in the loop

a film with no beginning, middle or end. what you have instead is nearly 2 hours of the most artful swearing you've ever heard care of
peter capaldi being quite magical as the most arrogant, obnoxious bastard of all time. the rest of the film is a worrying glimpse into the world of politics... armando iannucci knows too much about the real world, i worry for his soul.

such an odd film if you haven't seen any of the series. i've only seen one episode so far, so i was a tiny weeny bit prepared.

8/10

schools out for summer

totally unashamedly, i urge you to click here and try and win us a camper van. if i win it, i'll share it with you and we can go driving all summer....
next summer i guess.

ah, what a summer it will be.

rescue dawn

SPOILER ALERT! .. fan-ta-stic. first you have a prison thriller filled with well-paced tension and suspense, then you have about fifteen minutes of adrenalin fueled thumping heart beats, then a totally convincing desperate flee/story of friendship in desperation.

christian bale and steve zahn are both brilliant. also special credit to jeremy davies who's damaged, institutionalised prisoner is completely convincing.
really, a brilliant film that doesn't fall into the typical blind patriotism of so many others.

if you get a chance, check out the deleted scenes, they are also excellent.

9/10

journey to the centre of the world

on a very enjoyable evening out today, i was reminded of this:

ah, journey. you make me smile.

inglourious basterds

i haven't liked anything tarantino's done for quite a while now. nothing since pulp fiction has floated any of my boats, but i so wanted to like this. a lot. i'd even heard from reliable sources that this was something new from the jumped-up little weirdo. people who have shared my opinion about the gremlin-faced geek have told me that this was brilliant, so i was expecting to really enjoy it.

which i did... for about an hour.

i did really get into the traditional tarantino conventions for a little while; the garish graphics, the inappropriate soundtrack, the strangely affected reality. but, as with many films of late, this peaked far too early. the best scene was, by far "chapter two" in which brad pitt and his team of blood-thirsty jews interrogate a nazi officer in a forest. but that was in the first hour. and it went on (and on and on (and on)) from there.

do you remember films like blade runner or shaun of the dead, where they're brilliant all the way through and arguably progressively more so scene-by-scene? what happened to them?

... yeah, i just got bored really, once the cool scene had finished the rest of the film was just a bit too slow and predictable. it's a shame because while i don't particularly enjoy his films, i do respect ol' quentin and his obsessive geekiness. despite calling him a "jumped-up little weirdo" i like him. i like that he makes movies because he loves movies. he does a load of things similar to what i'd probably do if i had a massive production budget and brad pitt at my beck and call.

it wasn't all bad. it looked pretty cool, didn't take itself seriously and played around with different ideas. brad pitt was very good. blah blah blah. shame it felt pointless by the end.

6/10

casanova

in a new tabloid-fueled ambition of sorts, i've decided to watch all of heath ledger's films; even the ones that look like they're going to be a pile of wank. this was one of those, but i was pleasantly caught off guard.

aside from a couple of blandly sweet rom-com scenes this was a really entertaining little bit of popcorn cinema, well aware of its own silliness. it is mostly enjoyable, refreshing in it's light-heartedness and really quite sumptuous to look at, actually.

i've yet to commit my disinterest in sienna miller to the world-wide-web, and here in the presence of ledger it seems a little mis-timed as he does look to be a very memorable young man. and The Miller Issue is quite irrelevant to this movie, which is a tiny riot.

7/10

eight legged freaks

thankfully there will always be a place in the world for b-movies. that's why tremors will always live in a special place in a small pocket of muscle in an area at the back of my heart.
8.L.F. is a great B-offering of recent times. it provides all the B you want with some superb B-characters. quite notable are the B special effects, which seem to be almost believable but retain the whole B-ethic, even though they probably cost a small fortune.

this is a B-movie with a total B-awareness of its B-self, and will trample others B-fore it.

7/10

zach & miri make a porno

the only definite giveaway that this is a kevin smith film is that jeff anderson is in it. smith seems to have a lost quite an edge of late, and clerks 2 bore the brunt. this film has a little of his new softness and unfortunately we miss the base wordiness of his better, earlier films. (i really liked jersey girl, actually)

this is still a great film though, despite it's sad lack of smith-ness. it's still as good as any of the other frat-pack offerings - 40-year-old-virgin for example. it has a glaringly obvious storyline, slightly shoddy acting here and there... but it does retain my favourite aspect of kevin smith creations, that it feels like heart and soul went into it. smith has always managed to make films that feel like he genuinely loves making them. and without negatively impacting on the content.

"honesty!" that's the word i'm looking for. his films always retain an honesty about them. and you can't knock that in a world where fantastic four and indiana jones & the crystal skull are allowed to exist.

7/10

the duchess

despite having the normally unwatchable set-square faced ikea knightly in the main role, this is an intense and gripping piece of cinema, with a really compelling and heartbreakingly sad story.
any female viewers will be quite justified at the end if they were to go through a time of man-hating, as according to this movie most men are soulless bastards.

apart from the tragic story and severe lack of resolution, this is a sumptuously photographed couple of hours. they used the story of princess diana to market this film, and there are too many similarities to be comfortable. however, this is a story in it's own right and - to be honest - set apart from a lot of the costume drama nonsense that i've sat through before.

but don't watch it expecting a feel-good chick flick. nu-uh.

7/10

slither

if you're expecting a light-hearted b-movie with a fair amount of silliness, fake blood and amusing sfx... you'll be fulfilled.

if you're expecting a suspense-ridden, high budget creature horror,... watch alien you doofus.

if you do watch this, stay it out for the end credits; the song is awesome.

8/10

how to lose friends & alienate people

the sunday times reviewer said of this: "the best british comedy in ten years" or words similar to that effect. which is weird. because you think the sunday times reviewer would have seen hot fuzz or shaun of the dead... which also starred the (now very insulted) simon pegg.

this film is instead one of the most average films i've ever seen. a barren plot holds it together, but neglects to allow any characterisation, comedy or memorable moments (other that that clip of pegg killing a chihuahua that was used every time this film was advertised). you would expect so much more from such a cast of high quality actors (and megan fox)... but you'll be sadly indifferent.

5/10

sunshine

it's a long time since i felt this emotional about a film, but that was absolutely incredible, and by far danny boyle's best.
this is an ingenious, white-knuckled suspense-fest, expertly directed by boyle. the cinematography is stunning, the production and set design is a tribute to unique thinkers in the design world and all the actors give really superb performances.

i reserve a lot of conservatism when i rate films, but this one definitely joins ridley scott's alien and event horizon in a very exclusive club. it made my heart beat faster, it made me happy that films exist, it made me weep slightly.
completely astounding.

phew.

10/10

the 40 year old virgin

if you haven't seen this, or haven't seen it in a while... please get it warmed up in your dvd player. it's just great, exactly what you want from a slightly irreverent romantic comedy. the whole cast is brilliant, especially seth rogan, paul rudd, elizabeth banks,... oh whatever, they're all fantastic.
the computer gaming scene is rightly famous,
catherine keener is a very very sexy grandmother,
steve carell at his finest,
elizabeth banks.
just
great.

7/10

if i only had a heart

do you remember a couple of years ago when i was an awesome dude technician bastard for a theatre show? oh go on, you remember. it was this. and it rocked.
i particularly rocked.

anyway, as i was recently singled and had to fill my sad lonely life i decided to help out a bit again this year, when the kids put on a performance of the wiz. which is a 1970's motown version of the wizard of oz, the film originally starring michael jackson.

and if you watched that video all the way through; don't worry, you haven't accidentally taken some drugs.

... so anyway, we did that musical. we took 35 white middle-class kids, and put on a 70's harlem soul musical. go us.
you can look at the pictures i took here.

and you can also listen to the BBC radio reports part one here, part two here.
make sure you listen out for me. i'm the one doing the makeup for the scarecrow, mindlessly rambling on about a completely different show.


d'ya hear that? he compared us to "professional theatre" ..! goldarn it.

anyway. i still love those kids.

bloodrayne

oh my good lord. i don't know quite how this movie came into existence, but i do know that we are all victims of a very nasty and distasteful joke; you, me and the cast and crew of this I.Q. lowering filth. the conspirators of said joke certainly include Uwe Boll who seemed to think that putting two characters in an erotic scene with no prior interest was a BRILLIANT idea.
also the designer for kristanna loken's costume which, despite the movie being set in the dark ages, includes structured panel coloured leather chaps and a low-cut leather tank top.

i literally felt my senses dull as i watched this. that and a bit of vomit came up.

1/10

the cannonball run

this is one of those 'classics that you simply have to watch' ... or so i was told. i finally got round to watching it and found the appeal was sadly lost on me. and i'm a guy who loves smokey & the bandit. oh well.
there are some good things, like how drunk dean martin was when he filmed it. and cool cars. and farrah fawcett's nipples.
and it manages to be racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-disability in about the first 10 minutes which is quite something.

4/10

the cottage

this is great mindless comedy action horror. all the guts and gore of (a far more shoddy) texas chainsaw massacre/house of wax type movie, but with great acting and heaps of comedy.
its a british attempt at the american college gorefest but with a very knowing tongue in its cheek, even down to the amusing monster latex.

particular credit to the three members of the cast who start this film: sheersmith, serkis and (never thought i'd say it) ellison, who make the beginning a brilliant kidnap comedy.

7/10

perfume: the story of a murderer

the whole things looks beautiful, and shot so well as to encapsulate the way that smells are described in the book. somehow, you experience the smells of the world through audio and visual media. it doesn't make any sense but it's a testimony to the quality of cinematography.

i also have to give some deal of cred to a director that managed to film an orgy that big, and still retain the style and integrity of the rest of the film. that takes some doing.

i'd happily give it a go.

8/10