Tuesday, 10 March 2009

pushing tin

it's rare that i don't finish watching a film, but i was so bored by this i had to leave the room. YAAWWWNNNN. cusack is the only watchable element in this, but the rest are just a bit irritating. ooh, and the incidental music is the worst i ever remember hearing, like some sort of financial training video or something.

you'd do much better to read the original article it was based on.

4/10

down to you

if i ever express a wish to watch this again, please strangle me with a prophylactic.

1/10

cats & dogs

absolutely genuinely, two of the funniest videos i've ever seen on youtube. neither of them need much introduction, but i like the sound of my own typing:

a little while ago i learned that the bit of your brain that stops you carrying out the physical actions you experience in your dreams can be removed from cats and dogs. it's quite weak in some animals, which is why you get this sort of thing.

"crunch"


i have two new nieces courtesy of one of my brothers and my sister. to the untrained eye that may read like an incestuous relationship has spawned twins, but actually it's just by coincidence that my little sister and kid-brother's-girlfriend have both given birth to their first born in the last few weeks. the resulting little packages of joy are both insanely cute and wonderful and i'm a bit over-thrilled by it all. with any luck they'll both grow up providing us all with the utter jubilation that this does:

Monday, 9 March 2009

love & sex

brilliant early date movie, despite the presumption of the title. absolutely love this intelligent and witty rom-com filled with lines that i wish i could remember when i'm trying to impress someone. the dialogue sparkles constantly.

8/10

Sunday, 8 March 2009

multiplicity

if, like me, you waste your life and ruin your integrity by occasionally watching channels like e4 and ITV, you've probably had your pupils grazed by the new adidas ad campaign:

...which offers the advice to which we can all aspire: celebrate originality (2.37).

like me, you are probably confused after watching that. the last time i went to a party where everyone was wearing the same brand of clothing was in the changing rooms of TopShop; and i was the only one who knew it was a party. whatever the dubious nature of that situation, it was very definite that if a group of people are all dressed in the same clothing then 'originality' is not the first word on the lips of the average onlooker.

"alcoholism", "burglary" and "abortion"... yes. but not originality.

nor intelligent design.

perhaps it's just a simple spelling mistake, a slip through the keen eyes of the adidas marketing team. though these people are probably pretty well paid for their highly valued creativity and deep knowledge of the psyche of the average sports-wear consumer, it can happen from time-to-time.
perhaps it was supposed to say "celibate originality" and was using the visuals of these STD-ridden hipsters to send a subtle message of abstention to the masses.

or perhaps "celebrate origins" - suggesting you hold a themed party in your house and invite similar neanderthals evocative of this high budget get-together. you may have noticed that quite a few pre-historic creatures with only basic practical skills were in attendance: 50 cent (fiddy-sapian), katy perry (aduro meretricis) and david beckham (goldenbalsa-saur).

this campaign reminded me of a joke that went around many years ago, when the rest of the country started adopting the term "chav" (originally from my home county):

Q: how do you get 20 chavs in a phone box?
A: paint three stripes on it.

american psycho II: all american girl

if you're going to make a sequel, you should really try to understand the original film. i won't even suggest the film-makers have a look at the book as reading might be a bit advanced for them.

this is the exact demonstration of money-hungry-film-execs funding a movie for the cashback, without any regard for the integrity of the source material or the "little-people" working on the film.

anyone involved in the production of this: you are absolutely unforgivable and you suck turd pie.

1/10

Saturday, 7 March 2009

double team

the worst film of all time. it's not even a "so bad it's good" thing. it's just utter crap-bag.

1/10

judgement day

aw fuck.

the worst news, guys.

i mean, it's been in the public sphere of knowledge for a while, but i only just found out the other day: "mcg" directed the new terminator film. fucking mcg!, of charlies angels: full throttle infamy. yes, he did give us the pussycat dolls search for idiots and for that we are SO thankful. but... this was the guy who tried to do an american remake of spaced for which only one word will suffice: cunt.

he's also trying to do an adaptation of the brilliant philip k. dick novel do androids dream of electric sheep?... which is interesting, because it's already been turned into one of the best sci-fi flicks of all time.

in anger i've added my invaluable, infallible input to his wikipedia page, although i don't reckon it'll last very long before some self-righteous do-gooder sticks their dick in:

you arsehole, mcg, why don't you stick to music videos as you're so good at them? like this Top Gear themed Korn gumpf:

Friday, 6 March 2009

disturbia

'ere, that shia laboff is turning out to be a pretty good all rounder i'n't he? pretty enjoyable movie. at the intelligent end of slasher flicks, whilst still including the 'hot girl in a gratuitous bikini' element. but where did all those binoculars come from?!

6/10

war of the worlds

hello you.

yes you, with the wet-look leggings.

are you wearing them for a joke? or a bet? are you off to a fancy dress party? perhaps you’ve decided you’ll ironically wear some of the most retarded bottoms in recent history so that people look at you and say “hey, she must be really cool because she knows how to wear ironic clothing in an ironic way.” and we all know how awesome people who wear clothing in an ironic way are; all thick rimmed glasses and vintage t-shirts and first edition casio calculator watches that they’ve hunted all over eBay for (you rock that look, wigger), and, girl, that baggy shapeless wool cardigan (because you’re so not bothered about body-image) and black wet-look leggings that kate moss wore once, and she’s so retro post-ironic chic-trash. in an ironic way.

or maybe you’re just wearing them because you saw them in Marie Claire, or on the topshop website, and they looked shiny on the professional model and you thought you’d look the same, even without the studio lighting or the photoshopping. or the pretty face that detracts from the hideous wet-look leggings.
although it turns out actually she doesn’t have a pretty face after all; she has the face of a malnourished 45-year-old serial killer.


i mean, good for you, forget the fact that they looked fucking idiotic in the 80’s, the truth is they were around in the 80’s and therefore are automatically retro-awesome-cool, now. please don’t worry that they objectively make you look like a slut-whore. forget that whatever else you wear with them, adorning them will encourage all the men in your new media office to finally resolve the suspicion they had that you’d let them do anal if they bought you a balsamic-dressed salad from claridges. forget all that stuff, because you’ll be asserting your originality and fashionista by defying rational thought and wrapping your stick-likes in a stretchy fabric not unlike bin-bag plastic.

no, you wear them. actually, why don’t you ROCK them? as that’s probably what you’ll call it because that’s the latest way of saying something’s whack. or cred. or as i still enjoy, despite its passé-ness: shit.

maybe if you’re really brave/fashionable/easily-led you’d have found ones with bits of glitter, to give them an extra shimmer. we all know rad clothing with glitter is.

christ, you look like a twat.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

airplane!

every joke you've ever seen in a film, was in this movie first. and it was funnier then.

10/10

better the devil you know

faiths a funny thing.

one of the most memorable sunday school tasks i was ever given when i was growing up was to condense the entire bible down into a paragraph, then a sentence, then a phrase, and finally a word.

it's memorable because the result pretty much fits like a glove with the conclusions i've drawn in later life, and try to live my life by. in really simple, brief terms (without writing at length about all the details of my life's philosophy which, let's face it, is never very interesting to hear about from anyone other than mahatma ghandi, nelson mandela or jade goody)...

1. don't think that you are the greatest thing in existence.
2. be nice to people.
3. don't consciously be a dick.


outside of that: no religion is completely right, but if one of them helps you in the pursuit of fulfilling rules 1 & 2, then go for it.

i've never heard the term 'christ follower' before. but i have met many 'christians' who basically use christianity to revile and judge things & people they don't like. a bit like the ku klux klan and muslim fanaticists, but hidden behind middle-class suburban innocence. i guess i'm a follower of christ, because whether you believe he was the son of God or not, he was a dude who suggested we be nice to each other and love god.

in that same vein i could say i'm a follower of my dad because he taught me to turn bolts clockwise to tighten them, and anti-clockwise to loosen them.

and that's pretty much led to me living a life of peace and harmony in the world of bolts.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

2 days in paris

heartwarming tale of two unlikeable characters. excellent comic performance from goldberg and intriguing direction by delpy, relying soully on actors and script and not having to resort to long lingering shots of the scenery. natural and believable acting from both of them.

5/10

practical magic


i'm quite practically minded as a rule. most of my consumerist choices are based on whether or not an item will do the job properly. like my recent purchase of a witter tow-bar for my car, the fitting of which will need to be documented as my decidedly amateur mechanical knowledge may prove highly comical.

aside from my garishly patterned fabric choices, i'm pretty utilitarian with my clothing choices too. if only i could branch out further, into less functional design; i might be able to convince myself to make a few purchases from this unusual and surprising clothing designer.

my favourite (though not enough to spend 400 £nglish pounds) is the support shirt, which has a certain poetry to it. and ladies.

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

the brown bunny

aaarrrghhgh!

although it did remind me of something. did you ever see small soldiers?

superbad

this movie is 1hr.54mins long, and i spent about 1hr.52mins of it in various levels of chuckle to laughter. absolutely hilarious and brilliantly acted all the way through. i particularly loved michael cera's performance as the nervous hormonal neurotic teenager, look out especially for the computer game scene. just brilliant.

9/10

Monday, 2 March 2009

shoot 'em up

never apologising for the fact that the 'writer' came up with the gunfights before the story, this film is pure action escapism. think of all the best stunts from the die hards, john woo and schwarzenegger movies, sellotape them together and sit back for 80 mins. a lot of fun, but whoever taught belucci to act needs a stiff mouth carrot.

7/10

knocked up

this has had so much press suggesting it is a turning point in frat style comedy. it's not. but it is thoroughly enjoyable with a fair share of laugh out loud moments. i could never believe a girl like that would sleep with a guy like him, though. however much she'd drunk.

6/10

running on faith

i’m currently sitting on a train from the west country, which is a thoroughly relaxing way to travel compared to… uh… all the other ways. even cycling. i say this as i clocked up my 200th cycled mile earlier this week. not bad i suppose; considering i’ve had my bike a month i’d rather have been double that by now, but what with the snow a few weeks ago and a few days of being quite disorganised i’ll just have to settle on the weedy double-century.

a few of milestones i’ve yet to reach include:
- cycling all 5 days of a working week
- cycling in a downpour
- getting a flat tyre

i’m expecting to breach two out of those three this week.

Sunday, 1 March 2009

wonder woman

another little delve into the immaculate world of blogging, you'll be pleased to know. and i think i've firmly boosted james gunn up to the top of my FAVOURITE FUCKING BLOGS OF ALL TIME list.

yay, e'en beating bike snob.

discovery of his violent and NSFW ramblings was - ahem - straight through the world of professional pornography. but you can breath a sigh of relief as i won't force you to hyperlink to attractive young women with their clothes off (ugh). instead, i'll show you the video in question:

...with the ever-genius nathan fillion, fillin' your head with shiny things.

combining talent from the world of film/theatre with actual real porn stars check out the other pg-porn videos.

my favourite is squeal happy whores, which maybe due to my slightly unnerving crush on jenna haze (pictured).

oh dear.

Saturday, 28 February 2009

run fatboy run

it would've been hard for a big pegg fan like myself not to enjoy it. bloody good fun this. little bit american towards the end, but it was directed by one. though he did a very good job of maintaining the heart of british comedy. hurrah!

8/10

mr. apollo

anyone who fancies a laugh could probably get a fair one by clicking here and looking at the cast & crew list of Stallone's latest project.

just reading it gave me a little testosterone rush and made me feel all musclebound and powerful. unfortunately i then felt sterile and hormonal, and shit myself.

Friday, 27 February 2009

city of angels

for girls.

and by "for girls" i mean "girls with really bad taste in films" not like SLR who likes die hard and die hard 2. and also has a nice arse.

...

sorry. mind wandered. don't watch this film.

3/10

little shop of horrors

david hurt his tooth.
david went to the dentist.
david was given lots of pain medicine.
david is 7.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

army of darkness


there are at least one hundred bloggers in the world, some of which spend hours upon hours deconstructing culture and leaving their smeggy imprint on the world as we spiral into endless decline. it wouldn't surprise me if i was considered one of them, although there are far better reads out there if you are inclined to crawl the blogosphere. in my stuttered attempt to broaden your horizons i'll draw your attention to another regularly updated blog and destroyer of bland, mishka. i'm not entirely certain if it has multiple contributors; and it does dangerously skirt the regions of hipster douchery, but it won't be a waste of your time to stop by every now & again. and i whole-heartedly agree with their views on this cunt.

and they like comics.

but even if you don't like reading (explaining why you've arrived at my blog) you could spend hours just repeatedly clicking refresh and looking through the fine picture gallery in the header bar.


in english terms:

- douches are chavs, but with hollywood breast/face implants.

- hipsters are anyone you see on nathan barley.

- they are all bastards.

grease 2

holy crap! it's rex manning out of empire records as a super-hero biker trying to woo catwoman. hurrah!

4/10

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

watchmen

for anyone who is not yet excited about the upcoming watchmen film: click here.

i used to live in the same town as writer Alan Moore. the town is a shit hole, but every now and again you saw Moore skulking around in his dark coat and beard. i never had my copy of watchmen with me though or i'd've swallowed my pride, run up to him and tried to convince him to sign it. whereupon i would slather.

rumour has it, the film is actually awesome.

good.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

what a feeling

robert webb is one half of one of the best british comedy acts around today. this is a little bit of genius.

transformers

in film making terms when you look at script, the flow of the story, exposition, length, continuity, coherance etc. this film was terrible. but it had giant rob'ts that turned into cool cars and twenty minutes in the middle that were really funny. so i'm gonna be nice and give it 8. (eight points to a michael bay film? whaaaaaa???!!?!)

8/10

Monday, 23 February 2009

little nicky

arthur fonzarelli covered in bees. awesome.

7/10

final fantasy - the spirits within

they spent so long making this look good on a computer that they forgot to send it to a script editor. oh well, nice attempt. pixar still wins the crown though.

6/10

Sunday, 22 February 2009

crouching tiger, hidden dragon


beautiful to look at - both the cinematography and the fights. classic chinese cinema in the 21st century.

8/10

dirty pair

long i have lamented the loss of originality on tv; how every single tv show is the s/lame formula:
bunch of people,
someone is voted off each week.

to make matters worse, some are even sharing the same "celebrity" judge, albeit with different wigs.

crikey, it took me a while to find a close-up shot of jane torvill's face. i think it's because i had my 'offensive material' filter switched on.

Saturday, 21 February 2009

beethoven

if john candy was in it, it would've worked. but he's not.

3/10

návrat idiota


fixie riders: are they anti-establishment heroes with freedom in their hearts and fire in their thigh-muscles?
or are they just anti-social thugs who deserve the impending brain damage from splattering their head across the bonnet of a taxi?

my fixie dilemma: i love the look of the bikes, but i can't stand the culture that surrounds them.
typical. you discover something you really like, and it turns out its been adopted by dickheads.

oh fixie. why you taunt me so?

Friday, 20 February 2009

eagle eye

piece of crap.

music & lyrics

ANNOUNCING: my new album



1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it to FaceBook with this text in the "caption" and TAG the friends you want to join in. (you can untag yourself if you don't want this photo up)

Thursday, 19 February 2009

anchorman

my favourite will ferrell movie, but steve carrell steals the show. pretty much everyone has seen this, so i don't need to go into details.

if you haven't seen it. you suck.

8/10

the tattooist

...speaking of the world being fucking weird.

i don't think i need to say any more.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

charlie and the chocolate factory

the world is a very strange place. but not without a sick, dark and ironic sense of humour.

beverly hills cop III

just watched this again. i remember seeing it when i was little and hadn't developed a taste in movies. it was good then, but lordy me it sucks now.

1/10

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

jesus walks

kanye west is a 'tard. sometimes he is so wrapped up in himself he forgets to brag about how awesome he is.

cars

just not as good as the other pixar works of genius.

5/10

Monday, 16 February 2009

rumble in the bronx

usually i tend to avoid anything related to sport, for a few primary reasons. mainly my displeasure is based on the overpaid goits with no personality who don't deserve my attention.... and also it's boring.
if only there were more interesting people in sport. put an interesting/weird/dirty/funny/imbalanced/sexually-suspect person in front of anything and it vastly improves even the most boring of subjects.

america is rich with interesting/weird/dirty/funny/imbalanced/sexually-suspect people. like this crazy ice-hockey announcer who gets better the more you listen.

live free or die hard (die hard 4.0)

brilliant brilliant brilliant fun. apart from the terrible lip syncing in the final edit and a VERY silly scene with a fighter jet this film is a classic addition to the three before it. brilliant.

7/10

Sunday, 15 February 2009

the goonies

it's like my entire childhood memories, all collected together in a perfect 90 minutes. there is not a time that i could ever get bored with watching this over and over again.

10/10

Saturday, 14 February 2009

walk the line

no-one is quite sure what joaquin phoenix is up to right now... apparently given up acting to pursue a career in hip-hop, at least that's what he says.

you can't even tell from this thoroughly investigative interview on the david letterman show, but it's worth a little watch anyway:

catch & release

this got rubbish reviews but i really enjoyed it. kevin smith was great even though his humorous scenes seemed a little out of place.

7/10

Friday, 13 February 2009

an inconvenient truth

stuff has got in the way of cycling lately. i've only done one day this week, and i have to say i'm missing it as one of the few joys in my average day. i'm pretty bored of snow and ice now, and i just want pleasant spring air so i can cycle everywhere.
it all hit home when i handed over £30 for a weeks worth of travel on the ever-more-sickening london underground, this morning. fuck, i hate the underground. it seems strange that the main transport network in our capital city is filled with two predominant features:
1: thousands of people intent on getting in my way.
2: control systems intent on preventing trains moving anywhere.


and we pay hundreds of pounds a year to use it. we're idiots.

maybe i'm just sick and tired of london.

garden state

by far one of my favourite films ever. zach braff proves he is more than J.D. natalie portman is tasty. ian holm pulls out a quiet and engaging performance. peter sarsgard is like a guitar solo. i could watch this over and over again, even if it was just for the shirt/wallpaper shot.

10/10

Thursday, 12 February 2009

sideways

perhaps the best "bachelors' last stand" film in existence. paul giamatti's acting in this is absolutely perfect.

9/10

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

king of wishful thinking

as a technician i am well aware how easy it is to make a mistake during a live show. usually they result in one of two responses, depending on the crowd:
1: a brief snicker from the audience, and we all move on with the show and forget about it.
2: the event organiser shits themself with anger and you never hear the end of it.

i love this story though, not only was the response a matter of hilarity, but the conversations leading up to it in the tech-booth were probably very much in the key of "what would be the best possible headline you'd like to see?"

little miss sunshine

sometimes a simple story and a group of actors hit the mark. little miss sunshine is almost flawless. heartwarming, energising, comforting, hilarious.

9/10

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

snakes on a plane

this only needed the line "that's it, i'm sick to death of motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" to be absolute genius. and there's way more besides. great escapism in the form of a dodgy b-movie. always welcome.

8/10

Monday, 9 February 2009

300

silly script, comedy love scene... but looks amazing and oh, such fun. basically a homo-erotic nipple-revealing series of manly poses and morale boosting one-liners. you could probably just play this to an audience instead of doing a motivational speech. if you were that sort of person.

7/10