Friday, 6 March 2009

war of the worlds

hello you.

yes you, with the wet-look leggings.

are you wearing them for a joke? or a bet? are you off to a fancy dress party? perhaps you’ve decided you’ll ironically wear some of the most retarded bottoms in recent history so that people look at you and say “hey, she must be really cool because she knows how to wear ironic clothing in an ironic way.” and we all know how awesome people who wear clothing in an ironic way are; all thick rimmed glasses and vintage t-shirts and first edition casio calculator watches that they’ve hunted all over eBay for (you rock that look, wigger), and, girl, that baggy shapeless wool cardigan (because you’re so not bothered about body-image) and black wet-look leggings that kate moss wore once, and she’s so retro post-ironic chic-trash. in an ironic way.

or maybe you’re just wearing them because you saw them in Marie Claire, or on the topshop website, and they looked shiny on the professional model and you thought you’d look the same, even without the studio lighting or the photoshopping. or the pretty face that detracts from the hideous wet-look leggings.
although it turns out actually she doesn’t have a pretty face after all; she has the face of a malnourished 45-year-old serial killer.

i mean, good for you, forget the fact that they looked fucking idiotic in the 80’s, the truth is they were around in the 80’s and therefore are automatically retro-awesome-cool, now. please don’t worry that they objectively make you look like a slut-whore. forget that whatever else you wear with them, adorning them will encourage all the men in your new media office to finally resolve the suspicion they had that you’d let them do anal if they bought you a balsamic-dressed salad from claridges. forget all that stuff, because you’ll be asserting your originality and fashionista by defying rational thought and wrapping your stick-likes in a stretchy fabric not unlike bin-bag plastic.

no, you wear them. actually, why don’t you ROCK them? as that’s probably what you’ll call it because that’s the latest way of saying something’s whack. or cred. or as i still enjoy, despite its passé-ness: shit.

maybe if you’re really brave/fashionable/easily-led you’d have found ones with bits of glitter, to give them an extra shimmer. we all know rad clothing with glitter is.

christ, you look like a twat.