i wanna sex you up

if there was any doubt about what people use the internet for, check out some of the statistics for my blog.

firstly, the keywords typed into google search that brought people to me in the first place:

i love that simon pegg sneaks in there about half way up. what a sexy sexy man he is.

anyway, secondly (and i'm very proud of this one) have a look at my most viewed blog entries for the last month:

note fuck me pumps as the most popular. i mean, i was pretty proud of that one at the time. and local opinions were favourable. but you can't lie with google analytics on your side.

i've also noted through excessive ego-rubbing (trawling through endless statistics that i won't bore you with) that i've had quite a few people get to the site through rather sordid means ("fat bottom whores") and actually stay a while reading various different posts.
basically what's happened is someone's come for a wank, and enjoyed a good hard read instead.

hence my new advertising slogan:

happy b(w)ank holiday everybody.

the straight story

i love road movies. there is something that appeals to me about transience and detachment. when i'm laid in bed ridden with insomnia, the one thing that guarantees the onset of sleep is imagining myself on the road with all the bare necessities on board whatever inconceivable vehicle i've chosen that night. usually it's a beat-up old american camper truck, and the bare necessities are a trailer with a harley davidson on it...

i've shared too much.

this film put me right there, in that frame of mind. it's insomnia. a nostalgic dream. just real enough to keep you awake. just david lynchie enough to necessitate occasionally pinching yourself to check you haven't slipped under.

didn't say much about the film, did i?

sleepy now.

7/10

in the loop

a film with no beginning, middle or end. what you have instead is nearly 2 hours of the most artful swearing you've ever heard care of
peter capaldi being quite magical as the most arrogant, obnoxious bastard of all time. the rest of the film is a worrying glimpse into the world of politics... armando iannucci knows too much about the real world, i worry for his soul.

such an odd film if you haven't seen any of the series. i've only seen one episode so far, so i was a tiny weeny bit prepared.

8/10

schools out for summer

totally unashamedly, i urge you to click here and try and win us a camper van. if i win it, i'll share it with you and we can go driving all summer....
next summer i guess.

ah, what a summer it will be.

rescue dawn

SPOILER ALERT! .. fan-ta-stic. first you have a prison thriller filled with well-paced tension and suspense, then you have about fifteen minutes of adrenalin fueled thumping heart beats, then a totally convincing desperate flee/story of friendship in desperation.

christian bale and steve zahn are both brilliant. also special credit to jeremy davies who's damaged, institutionalised prisoner is completely convincing.
really, a brilliant film that doesn't fall into the typical blind patriotism of so many others.

if you get a chance, check out the deleted scenes, they are also excellent.

9/10

journey to the centre of the world

on a very enjoyable evening out today, i was reminded of this:

ah, journey. you make me smile.

inglourious basterds

i haven't liked anything tarantino's done for quite a while now. nothing since pulp fiction has floated any of my boats, but i so wanted to like this. a lot. i'd even heard from reliable sources that this was something new from the jumped-up little weirdo. people who have shared my opinion about the gremlin-faced geek have told me that this was brilliant, so i was expecting to really enjoy it.

which i did... for about an hour.

i did really get into the traditional tarantino conventions for a little while; the garish graphics, the inappropriate soundtrack, the strangely affected reality. but, as with many films of late, this peaked far too early. the best scene was, by far "chapter two" in which brad pitt and his team of blood-thirsty jews interrogate a nazi officer in a forest. but that was in the first hour. and it went on (and on and on (and on)) from there.

do you remember films like blade runner or shaun of the dead, where they're brilliant all the way through and arguably progressively more so scene-by-scene? what happened to them?

... yeah, i just got bored really, once the cool scene had finished the rest of the film was just a bit too slow and predictable. it's a shame because while i don't particularly enjoy his films, i do respect ol' quentin and his obsessive geekiness. despite calling him a "jumped-up little weirdo" i like him. i like that he makes movies because he loves movies. he does a load of things similar to what i'd probably do if i had a massive production budget and brad pitt at my beck and call.

it wasn't all bad. it looked pretty cool, didn't take itself seriously and played around with different ideas. brad pitt was very good. blah blah blah. shame it felt pointless by the end.

6/10

casanova

in a new tabloid-fueled ambition of sorts, i've decided to watch all of heath ledger's films; even the ones that look like they're going to be a pile of wank. this was one of those, but i was pleasantly caught off guard.

aside from a couple of blandly sweet rom-com scenes this was a really entertaining little bit of popcorn cinema, well aware of its own silliness. it is mostly enjoyable, refreshing in it's light-heartedness and really quite sumptuous to look at, actually.

i've yet to commit my disinterest in sienna miller to the world-wide-web, and here in the presence of ledger it seems a little mis-timed as he does look to be a very memorable young man. and The Miller Issue is quite irrelevant to this movie, which is a tiny riot.

7/10

eight legged freaks

thankfully there will always be a place in the world for b-movies. that's why tremors will always live in a special place in a small pocket of muscle in an area at the back of my heart.
8.L.F. is a great B-offering of recent times. it provides all the B you want with some superb B-characters. quite notable are the B special effects, which seem to be almost believable but retain the whole B-ethic, even though they probably cost a small fortune.

this is a B-movie with a total B-awareness of its B-self, and will trample others B-fore it.

7/10

zach & miri make a porno

the only definite giveaway that this is a kevin smith film is that jeff anderson is in it. smith seems to have a lost quite an edge of late, and clerks 2 bore the brunt. this film has a little of his new softness and unfortunately we miss the base wordiness of his better, earlier films. (i really liked jersey girl, actually)

this is still a great film though, despite it's sad lack of smith-ness. it's still as good as any of the other frat-pack offerings - 40-year-old-virgin for example. it has a glaringly obvious storyline, slightly shoddy acting here and there... but it does retain my favourite aspect of kevin smith creations, that it feels like heart and soul went into it. smith has always managed to make films that feel like he genuinely loves making them. and without negatively impacting on the content.

"honesty!" that's the word i'm looking for. his films always retain an honesty about them. and you can't knock that in a world where fantastic four and indiana jones & the crystal skull are allowed to exist.

7/10

the duchess

despite having the normally unwatchable set-square faced ikea knightly in the main role, this is an intense and gripping piece of cinema, with a really compelling and heartbreakingly sad story.
any female viewers will be quite justified at the end if they were to go through a time of man-hating, as according to this movie most men are soulless bastards.

apart from the tragic story and severe lack of resolution, this is a sumptuously photographed couple of hours. they used the story of princess diana to market this film, and there are too many similarities to be comfortable. however, this is a story in it's own right and - to be honest - set apart from a lot of the costume drama nonsense that i've sat through before.

but don't watch it expecting a feel-good chick flick. nu-uh.

7/10

slither

if you're expecting a light-hearted b-movie with a fair amount of silliness, fake blood and amusing sfx... you'll be fulfilled.

if you're expecting a suspense-ridden, high budget creature horror,... watch alien you doofus.

if you do watch this, stay it out for the end credits; the song is awesome.

8/10

how to lose friends & alienate people

the sunday times reviewer said of this: "the best british comedy in ten years" or words similar to that effect. which is weird. because you think the sunday times reviewer would have seen hot fuzz or shaun of the dead... which also starred the (now very insulted) simon pegg.

this film is instead one of the most average films i've ever seen. a barren plot holds it together, but neglects to allow any characterisation, comedy or memorable moments (other that that clip of pegg killing a chihuahua that was used every time this film was advertised). you would expect so much more from such a cast of high quality actors (and megan fox)... but you'll be sadly indifferent.

5/10

sunshine

it's a long time since i felt this emotional about a film, but that was absolutely incredible, and by far danny boyle's best.
this is an ingenious, white-knuckled suspense-fest, expertly directed by boyle. the cinematography is stunning, the production and set design is a tribute to unique thinkers in the design world and all the actors give really superb performances.

i reserve a lot of conservatism when i rate films, but this one definitely joins ridley scott's alien and event horizon in a very exclusive club. it made my heart beat faster, it made me happy that films exist, it made me weep slightly.
completely astounding.

phew.

10/10

the 40 year old virgin

if you haven't seen this, or haven't seen it in a while... please get it warmed up in your dvd player. it's just great, exactly what you want from a slightly irreverent romantic comedy. the whole cast is brilliant, especially seth rogan, paul rudd, elizabeth banks,... oh whatever, they're all fantastic.
the computer gaming scene is rightly famous,
catherine keener is a very very sexy grandmother,
steve carell at his finest,
elizabeth banks.
just
great.

7/10

if i only had a heart

do you remember a couple of years ago when i was an awesome dude technician bastard for a theatre show? oh go on, you remember. it was this. and it rocked.
i particularly rocked.

anyway, as i was recently singled and had to fill my sad lonely life i decided to help out a bit again this year, when the kids put on a performance of the wiz. which is a 1970's motown version of the wizard of oz, the film originally starring michael jackson.

and if you watched that video all the way through; don't worry, you haven't accidentally taken some drugs.

... so anyway, we did that musical. we took 35 white middle-class kids, and put on a 70's harlem soul musical. go us.
you can look at the pictures i took here.

and you can also listen to the BBC radio reports part one here, part two here.
make sure you listen out for me. i'm the one doing the makeup for the scarecrow, mindlessly rambling on about a completely different show.


d'ya hear that? he compared us to "professional theatre" ..! goldarn it.

anyway. i still love those kids.

bloodrayne

oh my good lord. i don't know quite how this movie came into existence, but i do know that we are all victims of a very nasty and distasteful joke; you, me and the cast and crew of this I.Q. lowering filth. the conspirators of said joke certainly include Uwe Boll who seemed to think that putting two characters in an erotic scene with no prior interest was a BRILLIANT idea.
also the designer for kristanna loken's costume which, despite the movie being set in the dark ages, includes structured panel coloured leather chaps and a low-cut leather tank top.

i literally felt my senses dull as i watched this. that and a bit of vomit came up.

1/10

the cannonball run

this is one of those 'classics that you simply have to watch' ... or so i was told. i finally got round to watching it and found the appeal was sadly lost on me. and i'm a guy who loves smokey & the bandit. oh well.
there are some good things, like how drunk dean martin was when he filmed it. and cool cars. and farrah fawcett's nipples.
and it manages to be racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-disability in about the first 10 minutes which is quite something.

4/10

the cottage

this is great mindless comedy action horror. all the guts and gore of (a far more shoddy) texas chainsaw massacre/house of wax type movie, but with great acting and heaps of comedy.
its a british attempt at the american college gorefest but with a very knowing tongue in its cheek, even down to the amusing monster latex.

particular credit to the three members of the cast who start this film: sheersmith, serkis and (never thought i'd say it) ellison, who make the beginning a brilliant kidnap comedy.

7/10

perfume: the story of a murderer

the whole things looks beautiful, and shot so well as to encapsulate the way that smells are described in the book. somehow, you experience the smells of the world through audio and visual media. it doesn't make any sense but it's a testimony to the quality of cinematography.

i also have to give some deal of cred to a director that managed to film an orgy that big, and still retain the style and integrity of the rest of the film. that takes some doing.

i'd happily give it a go.

8/10

hoodwinked

its pretty immediate that the quality of animation is about the level of a playstation 1 game, but it is more than made up for by the script and story. there are some genuinely hilarious bits of this and some great characters. i think we all guessed the ending pretty quickly, but the ride there is a lot if fun.
i especially like the goat character who had me in tears throughout his scene.

6/10

hard candy

this is a particularly rare occasion where i actually find myself siding with a murderous paedophile. patrick wilson is really good in this and keeps this film watchable, battling constantly against ellen page who is annoying on every possible level. not only is her character a little bitch vigilante, impossible to empathise with; but page herself acts in such a way that even the sweetest character becomes a contrived, self-righteous dickhead.

other than the two characters, there's not much to pick out about this film. yes, it's scripted well and very artfully shot, but i did finish it feeling lost and unresolved. perhaps that's the point.

5/10

my life as a geek

i don't do enough with my spare time. i wish i was as cool as this guy who built himself a Robert Downey Jnr suit:

it's not like i don't have the spare time, but i do find myself starting many projects only to find that i get distracted by silly things.

i did make myself an ashton kutcher costume once, but found that it just made me stand gazing at a brick wall with dribble swinging from my chops.

still it could have been worse; the way my mind wanders it was only a matter of time before this article could have been about me.

memoirs of a geisha

this pretty much only gets any points because it looks so amazing. the recreation of period japan is beautifully done, totally convincing and with an attention to detail in every shot that you could press your nose to the screen and pretend you were motorboating a real geisha house.

you should. it's weird.

as for the rest of the film, it's just a bit too tedious. no faults from the film-makers or cast, i just think they were backed into a financial decision from the studio to adapt a popular book. regardless of whether the book's successes would translate to the screen.

6/10

i just called to say i love you

there are seven mentally ill fuck-holes in this advert. see if you can spot them all.

"and it helps the environment" - thanks... girl with idiotic hair extensions.

american graffiti

unashamedly all about the cars, but i can't emphasise enough how fine i am with that. 50's american cars are enough of a reason for me to constantly wish i was born 80 years ago.
other than those majestic vehicles, this is a great little glimpse into the lives of teens in this era, and a pretty believable one at that.
mainly it's a long episode of happy days with swearing and sex. and oh, those cars.

5/10

arlington road

do you know where jeff bridge is?

certainly his character doesn't. nor does he appreciate the privacy act. but he plays the emotionally damaged idiot really well as he slides into madness and obsession. a really interesting story with more questions than answers, and no remorse for anyone.

i found tim robbins a teeny tiny bit unconvincing, but i wouldn't let it bother you.

7/10

i kissed a girl (and i liked it)

"hi, i'm megan fox and i'm employed by the big studios to sell films that might not make any money otherwise. i mean, transformers 2 was pretty much only marketed by a shot of me writhing around on top of a motorbike like some sort of nuts magazine model.
and did you see how to lose friends and alienate people?.. that was totally rubbish, but the advert starred me in a wet cocktail dress.

and i was in a film simply known as whore.

and i'm currently making one called fathom where i play a "half-naked mermaid" - or so the press release says.

and all i talk about in interviews is that i like kissing girls, and pandering to various other 15 year old boy fantasies, setting them all wanking like a wet piston.

anyway, i'm quite irritating, but i'm thin and more than happy to act like i'll suck your cock; so you'll probably fancy me and go and see this movie. even though it looks shit."

- megan fox

fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer

now, we've all suspected it for a while: but it turns out that, yes, jessica alba is terrible at acting. and also, apart from sin city, has never made a good film. so this fits nicely in with her consistency.
i actually struggled to find a reason to give this any stars at all. rubbish acting, faulty special effects, and... oh, that's the end of the story. i wasn't expecting a tour de force, but i did think i might get an enjoyable action flick.

nope.

2/10

delicatessen

i love post-apocalyptic settings, where a director invents a whole world that may or may never exist. not many directors are as good at creating believable fantasy than jean-pierre jeunet.
this haunting house of grotesque people driven mad by a destitute future is a whole world within four walls, filled with every possible high and low of human life. a bit like lord of the flies, but set in an apartment block in south-east london.

7/10

moon

part of me thinks i could just leave this whole review at that picture. moon is desolate and empty and you can feel your soul crumbling as you watch it. it's like staring at a clean sheet of white paper with a fold in it.

and it's wonderful.

science fiction is the best movie genre. it brought us blade runner, alien, terminator, the matrix, back to the future, gremlins, firefly, akira, predator, flight of the navigator, sunshine... and now the absolutely sublime moon. and my god does it sit well within that list.

all of life is in sci-fi, and when accompanied by a mind-blowing story, absorbing setting and so much tension my buttocks develop a six-pack (as this is); i could drown in the fictional worlds for ever. (and be happy to. even dark city is a better world than reality can offer these days.)

moon gives you a great performance from sam rockwell who keeps you hooked throughout, all on his lonesome. not many actors can do that.
i think kevin spacey is brilliantly cast. he offers the perfect vocal delivery that never lets you make any headway guessing how the whole thing will turn out. (that makes more sense when you watch it.)
the production design of the whole thing is lovely. it's totally old school, like watching alien for the first time, all over again. it features proper scale-model work, which automatically makes me think the film-makers cared about what they were doing.
it is thoughtful and compelling and powerful. and totally unpredictable.

SPOILER ALERT
the lasting feeling for me was that of the ultimate heart-break.
as the story slowly unwinds you can physically see Sam's insides turn to (moon) dust. the love of his life fades away and he breaks to pieces leaving only a dry, bloody shell in darkness and solitude... crikey this film hasn't had a good effect on my state of mind has it?
but it's done so well. who cares if it leaves you a mindless husk?

seriously, it was fucking awesome.

10/10

my life according to reel big fish

another one of those pointless wastes of time...
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Are you a male or female:
boyfriend

Describe yourself:
big fuckin' star

How do you feel:
drunk again

Describe where you currently live:
way back

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
new york, new york

Your favourite form of transportation:
slow down

Your best friend is:
average man

You and your best friends are:
trendy

What's the weather like:
i'm cool

Favourite time of day:
say "ten"

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
story of my life

What is life to you:
A-W-E-S-O-M-E

Your relationship:
my imaginary friend

Your fear:
will the revolution come?

What is the best advice you have to give:
turn the radio off

Thought for the Day:
why do all girls think they're fat?

How I would like to die:
down in flames

My soul's present condition:
a little doubt goes a long way

My motto:
everything sucks

evan almighty

the first time i saw steve carrell was in bruce almighty. i remember it well, thinking "this guy is hilarious i hope he gets picked up from this role and makes more stuff."
my wish was gratified and he made some great things.

not sure this is one of them.

slightly weirdly edited and actually i could've done with another 15 minutes for the whole thing to work. the worst part of it is Wanda Sykes who is so terrible she makes me want to become a racist.
i could really pick a lot of holes in it, but i should battle my instincts and remember the fact that it was aimed at 9 year olds. and for kids, it's not bad.

unless the kid wants to grow up to be a boat-builder. then it's painting a very unrealistic view of the time and effort it takes to hand-build ships.

5/10

three blind mice

speaking of ugly tattoos, is it just me or does cheryl tweedy look like blue cheese?

skin

i've wanted a tattoo for ages. but i'll never get one because i can never settle on a design or position. and i'm a pussy.

maybe i should have this done:

then i wouldn't have to speak to any people ever again.
ugliesttattoos.com

gone baby gone

well, this ain't easy viewing. but not for the acting, direction or subtle characterisation... which were all exemplary.

many a reviewer will talk about the decisions made and weigh up pros & cons, but answering the un-answerable is part of this movies raison d'etre. we will all have our thoughts, and they are all wrong.

8/10

atonement

at least two of the points in the 7/10 are specifically for the most technically amazing shot i have ever seen in a movie, the long pan across the beach featuring hundreds of extras and repeatedly coming back to dialogue. it was absolutely amazing and i could've watched it forever.
other than that it was an okay story with okay acting (i can't stand the heightened posh english accent, it really taints performances)...
the main pleasure about watching this is the technique to the filming: the cinematography, the setting, the colour, the soundtrack... all of that was just astounding.

oh yes, and i didn't like the 'Titanic ending'

7/10

puppy love

look at this:

i saw this medical health poster recently. my first thought was that you could replace the picture on it with a photo of katie price and completely change the message, whilst remaining based on truth.

i kinda think the word "stroke" is totally inappropriate for something so damaging. i like stroking. and having a stroke.

and while we're on the subject, did you see the advert that accompanied this poster?:

i always thought the words they chose to be just a little bit too tenuous. supposedly we're to think "FACE ARM SPEECH TIME" if we're worried if someone nearby is having one.
even if we could recall those completely random words, i'm not entirely sure we'd know what they meant. especially the time one, that could mean anything.
anything except "pick up a telephone and dial the emergency services and ask for an ambulance."

you might as well think:
FISH: are they able to eat a fish?
ARSE: are they able to get up off it?
SPECTACLES: if they have them, are they kind of vibrating or falling off or anything?
TIME: what is the time?


when i was informed that my grandparents' dog died from a stroke, i wondered whether my grandma had just been a bit heavy-handed and broken it's back.
believe me, just writing that joke makes me feel as bad as you did for laughing. okay you probably didn't laugh, did you?
did you at least smirk?
nope?
alright then, i'm just a bad person. i mean i did just write a blog about the comedy derived from a crippling health attack.

speaking of droopy faces and slurred speech, i did this to help your imaginations:

god, i need a censor.

teeth

now here's an odd little film that's nothing at all like what you would expect it to be like... i was gunning for a brain-dead gore fest with a vixen heroine charging her way through hormonal teenaged arseholes with her rampant sexuality.

not so at all. this is a wee little indie-movie with a nod to an obscure ancient mythology, and an unusual set of main characters. what became, was a much better, darker and more intelligent movie than i was ready for. i thought it struggled sometimes and needed a bit more bravery to explore the subject matter. it also stopped just when you thought it was starting, and left to your imagination what you wanted to see on screen.... but all in all: watchable, odd, meh.

5/10

buffalo soldiers

slightly strange, dark comedy that sort of swings past you without quite revealing what its all about, or sinking its teeth into anything. too pedestrian to be fantasy, but too heightened to be realistic.
very compelling though with good performances from all. anna paquin is a slightly unnerving lolita character that makes you doubt yourself... phoenix is usually pretty good, and no different here.... my favourite, though, was ed harris with his deluded/damaged/dim-witted(?) officer.

i also very much enjoyed the setting, as somewhere/when that hasn't seen much movie time.

i'm rambling. not sure exactly why i liked it, but i did.


7/10

brave new world

oh crap, here we go... occasionally i like to reveal embarrassing secrets about myself on this blog. like my poo techniques, or when i killed that child dog. i don't know why, there's no need for it. there's nothing to gain except the knowledge that members of my family will suddenly be aware of my constant onanism.

today, though, you are about to receive some of the most pitiful piece of information about me since i posted pictures of my saggy man-boobs on a local website. here we go: i'm addicted to big brother.
oh god i feel sick.

i've avoided it my whole life. i've been able to remain completely oblivious ... do you know what? i had loads of stuff to write, but i'm not in the mood so fuck off.

the pied piper of hützovina

such a shame that pavla was so infatuated by hutz that she was completely incapable of putting together a decent, revealing documentary. the most telling part of it is the "making of the film" special feature where we find that she is clueless about the subject matter, and was just using the whole thing as an extravegent flirting exercise, destined for failure.

unfortunately i didn't want a glimpse into the psyche of an obsessed, cock-hungry 'film-maker' .. i wanted to find out about the enigmatic, infectious eugene hutz.

right subject, right setting, wrong director.

4/10

red dragon

dr. lecter is one of the best characters ever recreated in film and this prequel (made after silence of the lambs) was fraught with the possibility that it wouldn't do "silence" any justice.
on the contrary this appears to be one of the most underrated films out there. it uses lecter merely as a device within the story rather than the more common tendency of studio films to over-egg a previously successful pudding.

what we get is a really tense, unpredictable serial killer thriller with convincing performances from an assertive cast. one that will keep you awake even if you watch it late at night. fiennes is superb as the detached creepy guy with a secret. hopkins is very welcome in the reprise of 'that role' and norton performs the 'cop talking out loud to himself' in a abnormally comfortable way.

really really would recommend this until cows arrive.

9/10

harry potter & the half blood prince

as someone who hasn't really been infected with the harry potter epidemic it might seem strange to take an ignorant step into it via "Harry Potter VI: The Teenager's Wand", or whatever this one is called; but it's not as if it's a story with very much depth and it's so built into popular culture nowadays you might as well name him Steve Jones from E4. To be honest, i'm pretty surprised the american's haven't signed a blank cheque to j.k. rowling and turned it into a 1000 episode sit-com yet.

i think i did read the first one, and got about halfway through the second, but then i discovered nude pictures of emma watson on the internet and haven't been able to concentrate on anything else since.
since 2001.

what suffers from wandering aimlessly into the Potter Franchise at episode 6, is that you don't actually get an entire film. instead, you get a series of events with no introduction or resolution as the production company try and squeeze all the necessary information into a mere 2-and-a-half hours. rather than it's own story arc, this is just part of a bigger plot that won't work without watching all the films back to back. by my calculations that'll end up being about 96 hours.

actually i'd quite like to do that, as aside from the central awkward boy becomes a wizard story the whole thing mainly seems to be about teenagers growing up and developing the horn. Which is a laugh on any day.
it does make sense that the evolution of adolescent libidos takes such a central role in film six as the books were written to accompany each year of a "muggle's" school life in the real world, and there is a noticeable attempt to attach some kind of social education. obviously it doesn't completely accurately echo real life.
Firstly: the whole wizard nonsense.
Secondly: if these guys existed in a real boarding school, harry would be pretty much ostracised by the rest of the school as a four-eyed teachers' pet orphan with a facial disfigurement and personality of a bag of wet dust.
hermione (who is now so pretty she juts out of the films cast like an extremely beautiful cat sitting amongst the gnarled, peg-legged pigeons of trafalgar square) would be part of the school 'in-crowd' and would spend her life pursuing heroin, threesomes and bulimia.
then of course there's the tragic ron weasely, who should consider himself lucky if his school time was filled with tears in his eyes; as he solemnly masturbated in The Locker-room of Azkharban.

putting aside the painful memories of my youth and the resulting fixation with deviant teens (plenty of websites for that already) the director does a reasonably good job, considering he probably had no choice over any of the content. in fact, to provide the viewer with hours upon hours of footage where nothing happens, yet still remaining watchable is quite a feat.
some of those kids have become quite acceptable actors as well. probably due to their childhoods being spent working with the likes of Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman and Helena Bonham-Carter. that certainly couldn't have done any harm.

and the piles of hollywood studio money poured into the whole thing - like swill into a trough - has made it all look pretty impressive too.

i may even go back and watch the previous films. even if it's just to see how many times Dumbledore says "Harry, take out your wand" ... yeah, and spray your potion over my mouth.

okay that second bit probably won't happen.

7/10