Monday, 5 October 2009

doa: dead or alive

.... not really, no.

now, i'm not stupid. we all know that film adaptations of computer games are bad, stinky and like some sort of sick joke about psychological disorders. i was well aware that this wasn't going to be the best film ever. what i wasn't prepared for was something quite so god-awful, something that found new depths of badness. this is a film that is so terrible, it becomes down-right offensive. you might even say . . "evil"

  • the plot made no sense; in the words of sarah carter (who played the rollerskating kung-fu cute one) "it's a fun competition, it just gets really complicated with a load of different stories."
  • the script could have been found on the back of a public toilet cubicle door.
  • the special effects appeared to be drawn on by a drunk circus freak.
  • not one member of the cast could act. at all.
  • the fight scenes (arguably the main point of the film) were a constant accident.
  • why did the island even have a self destruct mechanism?
  • why was it called dead or alive, when the rules were to only K.O. your opponent?
  • why was the 'making of' documentary voiced by a cleaner from dagenham?
  • why did i even watch the 'making of' documentary?

actually scratch that thing i said about the fights being the main point. as becomes evident within the first.. um.. 15 seconds, the main focus of the director is the beautiful girls (and devon aoki). and getting as many close up shots of their bits & pieces as possible. preferably in bikinis.

or t-shirts that have been miraculously dampened in some way.

or underwear, towels, baths, scanty silk dresses, thin robes, playing beach volleyball, nude, bed-wear, tiny sportswear, swimming pools, lycra...

it was basically like mcg had tried to make charlie's angels 3, but accidentally vomited. and instead of carrots it had soft porn.

it left me feeling dirty. much worse than if i just went online and watched some actual porn. at least with porn you get some sort of pay-off at the end.

the director corey yuen (the transporter, the transporter 3) does admit that it's "hard to make a film that captures the essence of a computer game, because with a game you have your hand on a joystick."
... maybe that's why he went the direction he did.


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